Homosexuality and bigotry in family

[TheNiteHawk]

(If this would be better somewhere else, by all means, feel free to move it!)

Before I start, I want you to keep this quote in your head:

Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence.

-Christopher Hitchens

This morning, my parents and grandparents (who had come about 20 minutes to attend the same church service as my parents) came home at the same time. I sat out on the porch with them while they talked. Nothing really of note, until I heard something about someone getting married. I was a bit of a distance away (just walking around) so I came back and asked who was getting married. My grandmother told me that one of my Uncle's best male friend was getting married to his male friend, or something like that. It was a same-sex wedding. I interjected about what states you could get married in (should have used the phrase "marriage equality"). I commented that they could, although they were going to New York to get married. I commented about what state I lived in (which for privacy issues, I will not be revealing the state of marriage equality in my state). My grandmother sounded definitely unhappy about it, and my mother and father had looks of contempt/scoff on their faces.

I was irritated at their bigotry and disgust over it. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say. Also, I was afraid of what might happen (not physically, just verbally) to me if I said something in support of LGBTQ people and marriage equality.

I don't want to be a spectator (see quote). I feel as if I can be a force for change and equality. All the same, I don't know how my parents/grandparents might react to my support of people they have much disdain for. I'm not sure if I should just continue to keep a low profile or speak out and let my voice be heard.

Thoughts?

[Mo]

This sort of thing is tough. I agree that it's important to speak up when people are being hateful or prejudiced, and that staying silent can sometimes cause harm. But it can be a lot trickier where family is concerned; I think it's also important to balance that desire to speak out and push back with the need to have a safe home or family environment. If you worry that speaking up in this situation would result in you being insulted or belittled, or make things tense with your family (especially your parents, since it sounds like you live with them), I think it's ok if a moment passes without you saying anything.
I know I can have a hard time breaking into a conversation to say "hey, that's not ok." Sometimes it's surprising or stressful and I just don't pick my jaw off the floor until the moment's passed.

Even if you don't feel like a real discussion about marriage equality or similar topics would go well (and worry that you might be picked on because of it), you might be able to at least redirect the conversation, either by starting a new topic or even saying something like "politics are so stressful lately, can we move on to something else?" And if nothing else, you can try leaving the room or situation when these topics come up. It's a way to send a signal that you're not interested in being part of the conversation without being confrontational about it.

[TheNiteHawk]

Thank you Mo.

I agree that it is difficult, since my family (namely parents) is involved. You're correct in assuming that I still live with my parents, which is my main concern and the only thing preventing me from being able to speak freely. I think for now, it would best to keep a low profile regarding my support for both marriage equality and the LGBTQ community.

It's not always to remain quiet in the face of inequality and bigotry, but for now, in order to avoid possible verbal harassment (or worse, an all-out argument (which may be 2 vs. 1*)), I think it's best to remain silent.

*More likely when I'm in a situation with other family members, as they have a higher chance of being together.

[Heather]

Before anything else, just want to toss a thank you your way, TheNiteHawk. Being committed to stepping up and standing up for groups you're not a member of isn't something everyone does, and particularly as a member of this group, my thanks for your compassion and investment.

One way to do some of this in the kind of situation you seem to be describing, with the concerns for yourself you have, might be to think about talking about how OTHER people feel or think. For example, when it comes to same-sex marriage, in a conversation like this you might say, "Given how even legal policies are changing with this, and given the massive support they have had, obviously there are people who disagree with you." Then it's up to you if you talk about yourself as one of those people or not, but you still get to just make a gentle reminder that there are other ways of thinking; even something like that can help move people's thinking a little who are or may be flexible in that regard.

[Heather]

Btw, I just added this topic over here with you (and others like you) in mind: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=341

[TheNiteHawk]

Much appreciated for your excellent reply, Heather. Hopefully, I'll remember your idea the next time the topic is brought up. It's an excellent way to let my voice be heard with less chance of retaliation on the part of my parents. Thank you kindly.