I turned my boyfriend down. Did I do the right thing?

[Volleygirl22]

This might be in the wrong forum. If so, sorry about that. It could probably fit into a few others.

My boyfriend's parents are going through a divorce and he's taking it pretty hard. He came over a little while ago. We started talking, and ended up kissing. We got really close to sex, but I turned him down. I told him I wouldn't feel right doing that, since he's upset, and I'd feel like I'd be taking advantage of him. He said okay, but still seems bummed about it. Did I do the right thing? Is there something else I could to to make it up to him? I feel bad about it :/

Also, I offered to let him spend the night. I told him he could have my bed, and that if he wants to be alone, I can take the couch. But he said he'd rather have me with him.

[Heather]

I think you handled that incredibly and did EXACTLY the right things here. Truly, well done. There's nothing to feel bad about: you made what you felt was the best choice to care for your partner.

[Volleygirl22]

Thank you. I just feel bad because I feel like turning him down, bummed him out even more. I'm going to stand by what I said, and wait until I'm sure he's doing better, but if I had taken the other way, and done it, is it possible it would've made him feel better or just done nothing at all? Just curious

[Sam W]

Hi Volleygirl,

That's a tricky thing for us to say. But, if I had to guess, it would not have had much of an effect, because the things making him upset are big things that can't be fixed by sex (honestly, very few things can be fixed by sex). So, I'm with Heather in that you made the right call for both you and him.

[Heather]

You know, when you two do have sex (whatever kind you're talking about here), when neither of you is in distress and upset, it's going to be likely to go much better, and be a much better experience for you both.

It's okay to feel disappointed about things: that's part of life, and we'll all get through that. Disappointment just isn't that big of a deal. On the other hand, having a sexual first time when one person feels conflicted and the other is in distress about something else? That sounds like a pretty crap first time experience to me. Again, I think how you handled this was amazing, and shows an awful lot of emotional maturity, more than a lot of people have at any age, let alone in their teens. When I read your first post here, I was really impressed (so much that I had to run out to my partner and a friend of mine visiting us and talk about how impressive you were).

[Volleygirl22]

Thank you. I do want to do something to make it up to him when he's feeling better. It doesn't necessarily need to be sex, but is there anything I could do?

[Mo]

I think just being caring and supportive, in general (which it sounds like you are already) is going to be just fine here. Certainly, you could ask him if there's a certain kind of support he could use right now, or think of something special y'all can do together, but I don't know that framing this as "making it up to him" is the best approach here. Like Heather said above, disappointment is just part of life sometimes - you didn't do anything wrong by saying you didn't want to have sex in that moment, so there isn't a mistake you need to apologize for; it's not on you to manage his disappointment for him. Does that make sense?