First Time!

[a-day909]

After beginning my own personal sexual revolution and finding my way to the big O, I met this amazing girl my age who I really like. The feeling is mutual and we have had the discussion about bringing sex into our relationship. All of my other sexual experiences have involved ultimatums given by my ex-partners and emotional manipulation. This will be my first sexual experience where we both mutually want to be together, no unwanted pressure or coaxing from either side. I know the mechanics, I have protection(which I also know how to use correctly), and I have more candles than I know what to do with. My problem is that she is more experienced than I am and I don't want to look foolish. Any tips on how to make the night go smoothly?

[Heather]

What wonderful news for you!

You know, every time we have a new partner, we are ALL new to sex, because what other people may or may not have liked in the past most often won't be the same as what a new partner does. All of our bodies and sexualities are so diverse, that if someone has the idea that having had partners in the past means they know what a new partner will like, they're usually going to be in for a surprise.

So, what I'd suggest is this: it's not a problem to be new to this. In fact, chances are good that because you are, you're going to be paying a lot of attention to your partner, asking a lot of questions, and not making assumptions about what she or you like, and that's a really good thing. There's nothing foolish about being new to something, and sex with each other is supposed to be about exploration and experimentation. In Zen Buddhism, this is a state called beginner's mind, and it's an ideal, not a bad thing: the goal is to try to come to everything as if we don't know what we're doing, because...well, for one, we usually don't, and secondly, that state of mind tends to be something that supports us really enjoying whatever it is and being in the reality of a thing, instead of covering it up with assumptions, presumptions or arrogance.

Look at it as an adventure: it is one. And don't forget that it's okay for any part of life, sex included, to be somewhere we feel awkward or stumble around a bit trying to figure things out. It's supposed to be a shared creative experience, after all, not a performance.

Just keep the candles away from the curtains.

[a-day909]

Thanks, Heather! Wonderful advice as always.

[Heather]

My pleasure: I hope this experience, and any after, are a great thing for you.