Scarleteen

Hi guys~!

Looking for a little advice. Me and my boyfriend have been in a committed relationship for about 8 months now. We are sexually active, and we are both each others first partner. I grew up in a really liberal environment and I'm a big feminist, while my boyfriend grew up in a super religious Christian environment, and while he's become really liberal and kind of distanced from the church as he grew up, he still holds a lot of Christian values. Some of the stuff he says strikes me as really strange/clashes with my feminist ideals, and i'm confused as to if it's ok for him to say some stuff, or if he's being controlling.

One example is that he told me he doesn't want me to use a dildo, or an insertable vibrator because "he want's to be the only person who can make me feel that way", or because he's "uncomfortable with something else being inside me". I told him it's kind of controlling of him to be saying that, and he just respond like "I'm not saying you CAN'T do it, I'm not gonna stop you, but I'm not gonna be happy about it either.." When i told him it sounds like he's guilting me, he just responds that he's not gonna lie to me about being uncomfortable about it, but he knows he can't stop me from doing what I want anyways. I tried suggesting the idea of going to the sex store and buying something for both of us, but he's super uncomfortable with the idea of anything like that, even if its a toy for him.

What can I do in this situation? Is this an okay way for my boyfriend to be talking to me? On one hand, I'm really happy that he's being honest with me and we're having open conversation, but on the other hand, I feel like he's trying to control what I do, or being selfish.

Hi Olivia,

While I am not in the position to tell you if him talking to you this way is okay for you or not, I think just you writing this post might be cognizant of the fact that some part of you is unhappy or uncomfortable with the way he is talking to you. I agree that being honest and having open conversations is great but if you feel that these kind of conversations with him are manipulative and make you uncomfortable then that is certainly something you can address. Have you ever tried telling him about how him saying these things makes you feel?
Have you noticed that him saying these things to you do make you question your own actions or personal decisions? Or are making you change your behaviors at all?
Hopefully these might be helpful things to think about, but it does sound like you are super aware of what you want and that you know you do have the right to have complete agency and control over your body and what you do with it with is great. Likewise you for sure have the right to feel comfortable asserting your agency with your partner.
Hope this helps

Hi Olivia,

I think your instincts that this is not ok are spot on. You say that he says he wants to be the only person to make you feel 'that way' but dildos are not people. Or, does he mean that he doesn't even want you to masturbate? Either way, I agree with you that having open conversation is important but when it comes down to it you're talking about doing something by yourself, with your own body, and it's not okay for other people to control your body. If you were making him watch you, that would not be ok. But what you do on your own time should not be used to make you feel guilty. Would your boyfriend be open to doing some work on his own to accept that what you do with your body is your choice? I wonder if how he reacts to that question might be important for you as you decide what to do going forward.

AvocadoLime brought up the big thing that came to my mind when you posted this, which is that a toy can't be a person or take the place of one.

What he's been saying here is a good example of someone's sexual insecurity manifesting itself in a pretty yucky way: a desire for control or ownership (and that's certainly what he's voicing here) tends to come from a place of unchecked insecurity.

Assuming this is a relationship you like being in, feel benefits you, and want to stay in, what I'd suggest is having a couple more big talks about this. I'd talk about possible double-standards here, for one: assuming you aren't trying to control his masturbation or own his body in any way, why is he trying to put that kind of standard on you? How might he feel if you were suggesting that you didn't want him putting his hands around his own penis because that "should be yours?"

I'd also talk about his feeling of insecurity, hopefully honestly: why is he feeling like a toy could replace him or any other person? How did he get the idea you will feel the same way with a toy, or masturbation, as you feel with a partner? Does he not have a different experience when being sexual with you than he does when he masturbates? Why is he saying or suggesting that your sexuality shouldn't be all your own, to share with him when you want to, but to only have and enjoy for yourself when you want?

And I'd have a talk with him about how we might feel sexually insecure or uncomfortable, but that doesn't make trying to put that on a partner appropriate. By all means, he gets to feel how he feels, but he needs to be able to make choices with what he does with those feelings, including what he says to you, that are appropriate. He may feel (as he clearly does) insecure about you having your own sexuality just like he does, and you having your own sex life when it comes to masturbation. But it's on him to just do what he can for himself to make peace with those feelings and deal with them. It's NOT okay or appropriate for him to ask you to help him avoid dealing with them in any way, especially if what does that is his trying to take any kind of ownership over your body and what you do with it by yourself.

I'd trust all of your own feelings here: they sound spot-on to me.