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Help! dad in denial
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Pennypanda
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Help! dad in denial
I started dating this guy, I really like him. We've been friends for years, but now we've been dating for 5 months, at first he said he was straight, but then he said he has also been attracted to men. My dad is very narrow minded, he thinks that you are either gay or you're straight. he is gay himself. My boyfriend and I talked at the very beginning of the relationship, he is sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally attracted to me, and i to him. He has come out as pansexual, and i too have questioned being labeled as straight. My dad wont accept or believe that people can be anything other than gay or straight. he picks on me, about my bf, nagging on me. i feel that if you love someone, and you are attracted to each other, then why not just enjoy your time together?
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Sam W
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Re: Help! dad in denial
Hi Pennypanda,
I'm sorry your dad is being so unsupportive, both of your boyfriend and of your relationship. It can be frustrating when a parent is acting so close-minded. I agree with you that if someone is making you happy as a partner, enjoying your time is a good way to go. Have you said as much to your dad, or otherwise told him that how he's talking about your relationship is not okay? Or are you finding you're not comfortable having those conversations or that he's not receptive to them?
I'm sorry your dad is being so unsupportive, both of your boyfriend and of your relationship. It can be frustrating when a parent is acting so close-minded. I agree with you that if someone is making you happy as a partner, enjoying your time is a good way to go. Have you said as much to your dad, or otherwise told him that how he's talking about your relationship is not okay? Or are you finding you're not comfortable having those conversations or that he's not receptive to them?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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Pennypanda
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Re: Help! dad in denial
He's just not receptive. He accepts that we both have a lot in common, and just really seem to understand each other, and like being around each other, but he doesn't understand the sexual side of it... and i'm not sure I want to explain it with my dad...
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Mo
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Re: Help! dad in denial
Do you feel like you could ask your dad to lay off the comments in general? Maybe you could say something like "these comments are really hurtful to hear. Even if there are things about our relationship you don't understand, can you at least accept that it works for us and not say these things to me?"
Because to be frank, it's not really his business to understand the sexual side of things, if you don't want to talk to him about it. He can choose to believe in the existence of bisexual/pansexual folks or not (although I'm always baffled by people who don't think we're real), but I would hope he'd realize that his belief really has no impact on the reality of your experience. I hope he can come around on this, but if not it's ok to ask him to stop making those comments, or to cut a conversation short if he's making you uncomfortable. This really sounds like it's more about him and his misconceptions than anything you or your partner are doing.
Because to be frank, it's not really his business to understand the sexual side of things, if you don't want to talk to him about it. He can choose to believe in the existence of bisexual/pansexual folks or not (although I'm always baffled by people who don't think we're real), but I would hope he'd realize that his belief really has no impact on the reality of your experience. I hope he can come around on this, but if not it's ok to ask him to stop making those comments, or to cut a conversation short if he's making you uncomfortable. This really sounds like it's more about him and his misconceptions than anything you or your partner are doing.
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Ashleah
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Re: Help! dad in denial
Hi Pennypanda,
I don't blame you for not wanting to have that conversation with your dad, especially with him being so non-supportive. It sounds like he is applying his own experiences and beliefs to your relationship even though in reality it is not about him. It can be hurtful when parents act this way and even make it difficult to make the decisions that are best for us, but I do think it might be helpful to remind yourself that your dad doesn't get to chose your partner for you.
I totally respect you not wanting to explain anything to your dad about you or your partner's sexuality (and you really don't have too!) but do you think you could have a conversation like Sam suggested more focused on how the way he talks about your relationship not being okay? So more about setting some boundaries- which might end up being not talking about your relationship in that way at all- instead of explaining yourself.
I don't blame you for not wanting to have that conversation with your dad, especially with him being so non-supportive. It sounds like he is applying his own experiences and beliefs to your relationship even though in reality it is not about him. It can be hurtful when parents act this way and even make it difficult to make the decisions that are best for us, but I do think it might be helpful to remind yourself that your dad doesn't get to chose your partner for you.
I totally respect you not wanting to explain anything to your dad about you or your partner's sexuality (and you really don't have too!) but do you think you could have a conversation like Sam suggested more focused on how the way he talks about your relationship not being okay? So more about setting some boundaries- which might end up being not talking about your relationship in that way at all- instead of explaining yourself.