Scarleteen

I need your help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost nine months now. We were good friends before we started dating, so we both know each other really well. Anyway we are both 19 and have never done anything (sex) with anyone else before.

Lightly we have been getting really caught up in each other and have done some things, but never all the way. We have had conversations about sex. But I find them really hard and confusing, because I'm not sure I want to go all the way with him. I love him a lot and he doesn't pressure me at all for sex or anything else. When I need him to stop something he does and asks me whats wrong? Which I think is one of the best things about him.

Okay so back to the topic. Yesterday he told me that he really wanted to take the next step with me, because he wants to have that type of relationship with me and he wants to be with me for a long time. I didn't really know what to tell him. He went on to say that he was worried that we were getting ourselves into a rut because we (mostly me) keep stopping and not just going all the way. Just because we haven't had sex yet does that mean we are in a rut? I mean am I avoiding taking the next step with him?

I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to do something I will regret later on. I want to be with him in that way, but I'm not sure if I am ready. I have told him that I feel like I am on the fence about this. Part of me wants to be with him and share that part of myself with him, but another part of me is just scared of taking the next step. I don't know what's going to happen to us after or what will change or if we should even take that step and because of that I get all freaked out. Because shouldn't I know what I want?

Sorry for all the questions. It's just right now I don't know what to think. After I told my boyfriend all this he said to me I needed to figure out what I wanted and get off the fence so that we can do something about this together as a couple. So I thought I would write one of these and ask, because I can't seem to figure everything out.

Please help.

Hi IvyJade, and welcome to Scarleteen.

We actually have a pretty great article that can help you think about whether you're ready for sex: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

When you're talking about "going all the way" or taking "the next step," are you specifically talking about intercourse? Or other types of sex? There's a really wide range of sexual activities people can take part in together, and it might be that you feel ok about some of them and not others. If you and/or your boyfriend are approaching just one kind of sex as Real Sex and everything else as just fooling around, it might be helpful to reframe how you think about it.

Here are some articles that might help you think about what kinds of sex, in particular, you might feel comfortable with:
What's Sex?
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

While you're saying your boyfriend isn't putting pressure on you, it sounds like there might be some pressure coming from him as he's asking you to get off the fence/make up your mind. The decision to have sex can be a big deal, and it's ok if it takes you a while to sort things out. It might be helpful to ask him more of what he means about being stuck in a rut. Does he not enjoy what you're doing together right now? And what specifically does he mean about the type of relationship he wants? Does he specifically want that kind of sexual relationship, or would certain kinds of sex be symbolic of something else? Getting a better picture of these things might help you talk about the situation more easily.

Here's one last thought that might be helpful: it sounds like the current pattern you have with your boyfriend is that you're having some sort of intimate/sexual contact, and there's a point at which you (or your bf, but most often you) don't feel comfortable and ask to stop. Do you think you could look at the articles I listed above and identify some things that you generally feel totally fine with, and ask to stick to those for a while, so sexual activity is more something you're both really enthused about and less something you feel like you need to put a stop to? I think that might help you feel more comfortable with what's happening now, and give you more space to think about what, if any, other kinds of sex you might want.

Thanks, Mo for replying.

To answer your question I mean we fool around, like kind of a lot. And when I say "go all the way" I mean intercourse. I am kind of new to relationships (this being my first) so I really don't know how there would be another type of sex but anyway.

I am sometimes bad at explaining things, however what my boyfriend might, or at least I am pretty sure what he might by the type of relationship he wants with me is a sexual relationship but he has also told me he wants to marry me and be with me all his life. So whatever kind of relationship that is.

I will go and look at those forms, because this is just getting on my nerves. I am also a little worried that my boyfriend might start to think that I don't want to be with him in that way, even though I really do just not sure if I am ready to take that step with him.

So anyway thank you so much for your help. Going to go look at those forms now. Hopefully it will help.

Okay wow! Just read that one article: What's Sex and the other ones you gave me.

I really had no idea, man I feel kind of stupid now. Thanks for all the help. I'm not completely sure what I should tell my boyfriend or what I really want. However this has given me a lot of help.

I'm not really sure why, but I feel comfortable with him when we are fooling around or doing things like touching each other but then I feel like I need to stop him. I'm not sure if it is because I'm scared that we will have intercourse or not or maybe it is something completely different and I need to go work that out.

Thanks again, you have been a lot of help.

I'm so glad you found the articles helpful! I want to say that it's okay to be patient with yourself while you work out what to tell your boyfriend (heck, sometimes even just writing it out beforehand as practice can be helpful). It's great that your paying attention to your feelings and where your comfort level is.