Scarleteen

Hello,

I'm having some concerns about my sex life--it's becoming really stressful for me. My boyfriend has a lot of difficult staying hard during intercourse. Most of the time, we'll either take a break for a few minutes or just sort of lay back and chill with one another. That's mostly fine, but it's getting to the point where I want to actually have penetrative sex without worrying about turning him off with the slightest movement. I'm usually able to turn him on pretty thoroughly with foreplay, but once condoms enter the equation it's like a potential threat. He has difficult dealing with them, and considers them annoying I think. We've tried a bunch of different, larger brands, but it's still an issue. The last time he lost his erection, he got really frustrated and said, "It just sucks. Nobody's getting off." He's really, really picky about the angles of my body, it seems like. If one position doesn't go perfectly smoothly, that's it. We've been able to "recover" from stuff like that a few times, but usually it kills the whole thing. It's making me feel unwanted, disconnected, and picked over. I feel like he's looking for a certain kind of experience that I might not be able to provide. For me, sex is about a lot of adjustment, laughter, and occasional talking. He doesn't seem to go for a lot of those things, and says that physical communication is at the core of everything. We do talk, but obviously too much talking can weigh things down as well. We're having problems here. I don't want to feel responsible in an act that's supposed to be enjoyable. We HAVE had amazing sex a few times by my account. Once when we were both really high. There wasn't all this pressure to be changing positions and it was just about exploring what felt good. He always talks about this one other time when he got off and there wasn't any issue with loss of erection... It was doggy style and I was acting "really confident." But in reality, I felt like I was putting on a show. I've been performative with a few partners in the past and I'm just not about it anymore. I want to be honest and real.

So I was sad that that a so-so experience for me was the pinnacle for him. It made me feel far away. He says I seem disappointed and remote in bed. That's probably true; I can't help it. I don't know what I want half the time because 1) I haven't had that much experience with sex or directing my partner, and 2) I'm so freaked out that he's going to find fault with what's happening. In some ways, our conversations about sex are very progressive, but I don't feel able to fully participate yet. It's getting to the point where I'm angry and I sort of wish that sex didn't exist. It causes more trouble than it's worth.

I guess I feel like he'd be able to stay hard if he actually want to have sex with me enough. The whole experience feels so conditional. The last time it happened, he expressed frustration that he couldn't get me off, and that me enjoying myself was really important to him. He seemed almost desperately honest about this. I tried to continue the conversation, to get at the stuff that was making him uncomfortable, but he kind of backed off and said, "I'm just mad at myself."

I've never managed to come with the help of a partner. It's hardly even on my mind anymore. I certainly don't expect it. I have no idea what to do, or what he wants from me. I start thinking that I just suck at sex, or am not a sexual person. But I don't think that's true. So, so frustrated and angry. I either need to start a conversation or prove one unnecessary. I hate this.

If I expressed all of my finnicky preferences, I'm certain that nobody could ever field them all. Not even worth going into detail about...would kill even the most resilient of libidos. What's additionally awful is that he and I are in love with one another and can't seem to break out of this stupid glass box of mutual insecurity. It could be so good. It has been so good. Any advice would be amazing.

Hi briggsy,

First, I want to stress that his difficulties with getting an erection are not necessarily a comment on your attractiveness. With younger guys especially, nerves and worries often are a big contributor to trouble getting or staying hard. Do you feel like there's a little bit of a feedback loop where he gets nervous about getting an erection, and then has trouble doing so?

It can be so hard when you and a partner are not finding yourselves compatible. I guess a place to start is: have you two tried being sexual with things other than penis penetration? So hands, mouths, toys, things like that?

Yes, we've done quite a lot of oral and manual/hand stuff. It's usually fun. But it's getting to the point where I think we're both stressed about the intercourse thing, why it's possible sporadically, etc. I hate the mention of incompatibility. It sounds so permanent

I can't tell whether it's a feedback loop for him, but it certainly is becoming one for me.

Okay, so it sounds like hands and mouths have worked for you. What about toys (like vibrators and similar)?

I;m sorry this is stressing you both so much. I want to peel this back one layer further and ask: what would happen if you took intercourse, and the pressure to have it, off the table for awhile, and focused your sexy times together on all the other stuff you can do with each other that's pleasurable? Because at a certain point, all that pressure would make any activity feel like a burden or un-fun.

I don't really push for intercourse, honestly. The last few times I've been giving him head and he's wanted to move forward and grab a condom, etc. And in answer to your question, we haven't used vibrators or anything. I have on my own, but not with a partner. I'm not terribly inclined to try, just because they seem more like private things to me. But I'd be open to it I suppose.

Okay, so what would happen if you both agreed to just take it off the table for awhile? Is that something you think he'd be open to?

I mention the vibrator because those, and toys like dildos, can sometimes add more dimensions of pleasure to partnered sex as well as solo sex. But, if you're more comfortable keeping that as a thing just for you, that's okay too. It's more about considering all the options you have in terms of how you two have sex.

I think he'd be kind of sad about taking it off the table, because it would be another indication that something bad is happening. I'd be kind of sad too, simply because it's still a gamble that occasionally pays off really nicely haha. But I could bring it up with him and see.

I think it can help to think of this less as something bad happening, and more as that you two are taking what sounds like a fairly needed break from something stressful. That way, you can think of it more as having the chance to experiment and play around with each other.

How is the intimacy between you two otherwise? And what would be your sense of your and his stress levels from life in general?

I think we communicate pretty well, and feel pretty close to one another, just in a natural way. There's stuff I have difficulty getting across, and a lot of our conversations are about him. But for the most part, it's good. He's very busy in terms of work--he's a freelance video game designer and has recently been recruited by a big company. So he's been making a test game for them. But this problem has been going on for a while now, before this high-pressure job stuff started. I dunno.

Meanwhile, I'm in my first semester of grad school and life is a world of stress. I've never really had my sex life suffer because of stress before though. At least not apparently.

If things in general are pretty stressful for both of you right now, I'd say that's one more reason to take a break from intercourse: it's become stressful, and there's no reason to add to your stress levels when you don't have to, you know?

You say you communicate well with each other. Can I ask, if you've had any conversations about sex in the past, how those have gone? Have you ever tried talking about what each one of you needs and wants from the other person to really enjoy sex? From what you've said, it sounds like both of you have some ideas about how sex should go, but haven't really ever made those clear to the other person: does that sound about right? If so, our Sexual Inventory Stocklist could be a good place to start in figuring out more clearly what each of you wants and needs, and sharing that with each other. Since you've mentioned there are some things you have difficulty talking about or making clear, this could be a big help with that too.