Being the Other Woman...Kind of??

[ladybug]

I will try to keep this short but I can't promise anything. Trigger warning: depression/suicide, cheating. Also I know that cheating is a super sensitive and emotional topic and some of you will have emotional reactions but please try not to judge me too much because trust me you can't make me feel worse than I already do.

I'm a university student living on res. On Halloween, I entered into an "other woman" situation with a guy on my floor who had previously been a friend. All we did that night was kiss as I became uncomfortable knowing that he had a girlfriend and I was still slightly under the influence. Him and I had been good friends for about a month before this but he'd never acted like we were anything more until the day before Halloween when he began sending me flirty Snapchats and getting more touchy. Then on Halloween itself I came back from a party and watched a movie with him where we were cuddling and then eventually kissing. I started crying and he began comforting me and apologized for putting me in this situation and we both agreed that it would never happen again as we both felt really guilty (he also agreed to tell his girlfriend who does not live in the same city and who is younger about what had happened right away). Anyways the next day we talked about things a little bit more and spent most of the day together just cuddling and flirting but always stopping before anything physical happened until that evening when I asked him to go for drive just to get away from everything. We parked just off the mountain and I began apologizing for everything especially because his girlfriend is severely depressed and has tried to kill herself in the past and I was worried about the repercussions and he reassured me that I was not to blame and that it was his fault etc. We drove back eventually and it was either that night or the next night that after a lot of turning each other on just by talking about things that he went down on me and I started to do the same to him but backed out halfway through due to guilt. He was super good about it and we talked about how it wouldn't happen again etc. He again promised to be there for me etc.

Long story short it happened quite a few more times although we never had actual sex because that seemed like real hardcore cheating. I developed very strong feelings for him and vice versa but he ended things a week later saying that while he wanted me and the relationship we could have, he couldn't throw away what he had had with her for almost 2 years. He stayed up with me for most of that night as I was devastated (the level of sadness and the feelings of loss I experienced really scared me as I am not one to get emotional over guys). He went home for the weekend and when he got back we continued our friendship and just started off cuddling and talking which eventually led to more intimate things which carried on for another week when he again ended things this time saying that his girlfriend had threatened to kill herself in the middle of the week (not over this situation which he had kept her informed of throughout the whole thing) and he couldn't face not having her and that he was the only thing keeping her alive. I was once more entirely devastated and we again stayed up all night as I cried and alternated between being sad and angry. Throughout all of this he was very understanding and made it clear that he was here for me and that he had strong feelings for me but that it couldn't happen. We both went home to the island for the weekend this time and when we got back on the Sunday we again fell into the same pattern of just cuddling which quickly turned into intimacy again and this time we decided to have sex. We began sex but when he went to get the lube out of the drawer, I noticed I was bleeding so we stopped. I gave him head instead and then we cuddled for awhile and then he snuck back to his room. We didn't talk about what happened. Since then, we have not talked about ending things but we have not done anything other than cuddle and we've stopped kissing and he's stopped flirting. So it's pretty clear that he's chosen her. I get it, and I understand I don't really have the right to feel anything really. It just sucks and I don't know what to do.

I'm really struggling with not wanting to let him go because he's everything I want in a guy and I feel lost without his support. He would constantly tell me that he wished I could see myself the way he sees me. I also feel incredibly guilty for being the other woman or whatever and just in general feel really lost idk.

There's also the part of me that wants him to end things with her which every time I have that thought I feel instantly guilty because I think about her killing herself or being devastated (I mean she's the girlfriend, not me). But to me, a relationship is over the instant someone cheats and it's really really over if they have feelings for the person that they cheated with so the fact that they're still together even with her knowing everything including the fact that he has/had (idk) feelings for me and that we live on the same floor and are still friends is idk... It would be much easier to handle all of this if he was just a douche. I was scared that he had just been using me as a way of experimenting in university while keeping his girlfriend at home but I believe him when he says that I was never just fun and no strings attached for him. So on the one hand, I understand him not wanting to lose her in more ways than one but I also don't understand how either of them think they can ever have a healthy relationship with trust.

I'm also struggling with intense feelings of shame and guilt. Because I feel guilty for helping him cheat, I feel guilty for enjoying it and wanting it to keep happening and actively seeking it out and I feel guilty for wanting him to break up with her when the only thing keeping her alive is their relationship (according to him) It's difficult because I know how society views girls who "steal" boyfriends or cheat and I know the whole slut/bitch stereotype but obviously that's not how I see myself Or at least that's not how I want to see myself.

Finally, I'm angry with him for not choosing me which feels like a really terrible thing and feels really selfish but... He's also one of my closest friends here and I can't imagine not seeing him and not having his support. I don't know what to do. Help?

[Sunshine]

Hey there ladybug,

wow, this sounds really tough. It's totally understandable that you feel bad. I am so sorry.

An idea for how you could maybe think about this so that you might feel less overwhelmed: Your friend's relationship with his girlfriend is their business and their responsibility. His girlfriend's mental health is her business and her responsibility (plus that of her therapist, if she has one, which I strongly hope). All you should have to concern yourself with is your situation and your feelings.

How about you sit down (with a nice cup of tea or other beverage of your choice) and think over what options you have with this situation for the future and what the pros and cons for every option would be? Then, once you've sorted your own point of view, have a good talk with your friend about how you two want to carry on with each other and how you can be successful in that.

It's always difficult to talk about third parties, but it sounds as if he could use some outside help in dealing with his girlfriend's depression. Has he considered seeing a counseling service or something like that?

I hear you when you say you feel ashamed and guilty. But are these feeling actually helping anybody? I know this is much easier said than done, but wouldn't it be better to focus on how to make sure your future actions don't make you feel shitty rather than to dwell on how your past ones do?

So sorry if I sound harsh, btw, that's not my intention at all. I tend to focus on "solutions", which can be really irritating when people just want to vent. If that should be the case, tell me, and I'll back off. I don't mean to say your feelings aren't valid or aren't important, I'm just mulling over how you could use them to help rather than hurt you.

[Sam W]

Hi Ladybug,

In addition to Sunshine's suggestions, I also want to point out that, while he may have some good qualities, your friend was also kind of saying one thing and doing another. There's a pattern in your story where he says never again (or you express your guilt or shame and he seems to respect it) but then you end up going past that boundary. That can cause some serious confusion or mixed feelings on your end.

Too, I think it might be sound to spend some time taking care of yourself and spending time with other friends. If you do end up spending time with him, make an effort to not have any of that time be in a location where you're by yourselves in private. That will take away the possibility for the pattern repeating itself.