Getting a girlfriend

[fullmetal_freak]

Hi, I am a 13 year old boy and I often find it hard getting a girlfriend. All my friends make it seem as easy as pie. But the main problem here is that a LOT of people think I'm gay because I get along really well with girls so most girls in the seventh grade are like my friend and it would be SUPER awkward all of sudden asking them out. Although I don't have any problems with talking to girls like most guys do, it's awkward asking a close friend out.. I will admit I'm not the most handsome, but everyone thinks It's the shoes, or the latest hairstyle, or how well you can whip or nae nae. But I've got one heck of a heart inside. Why doesn't that seem to matter anymore?

[Heather]

One big thing I'd suggest is not to think of this as "getting." A girlfriend is a specific person, and a relationship is something we DO: neither are things we have. And "asking out" can feel like a lot of pressure: dating doesn't need to be that formal, it's something people can go about in a more relaxed way, with dating happening more organically.

So, instead, think of a relationship as something you can co-create and actively do, and who that's with is going to be about who wants to do that with you AND who you, specifically, might want to date.

Before you go to what the other person may or may not have an interest in doing with you, let's start with who you even have those kinds of feelings about and think you'd like to date. Do you have someone in mind?

If so, what kind of relationship do you have with them currently? Do you already hang out as friends? If so, do you have any sense that she might want something more with you as well?

[fullmetal_freak]

I do have feelings for a couple of them but none ever drop any clues that they want more than friendship. Is there anything you would like me to look out for? Certain behaviors? Body language?

[Heather]

Well, you probably haven't said anything either, eh?

Really, this is less about trying to figure out what someone's body is telling you (and honestly, that just so often doesn't tell us anything, given how diverse we all are) and just try and get a feel for if one of these women you're into seems to want to spend extra time with you, initiates communication with you -- like calls or texts when you're not at school -- and rule out anything that gives you the impression they are distinctly NOT interested in anything but platonic friendship with you.

So, then, if the window seems open with someone after that -- and sometimes, you just try and go with your gut feelings -- how about just asking them to hang out with you sometime? Again, it doesn't have to be formal, just asking them to spend more time with you so you have more time to try and get more of that sense of their interest or lack of it. The more time you spend with someone, the more you'll usually get a feel for how you feel about then, they about you, and if a romantic relationship is something you might try and pursue. Make sense?

[fullmetal_freak]

Well, there's this one girl.. named, jaylyn and I really like her but anytime I bring up something to that effect... she laughs like I just made a joke or something.. so I have to kinda play it off like it was a joke.. I asked her to the Valentine's dance last year as friends and she said yes. I made sure to dress way nicer than any of the other kids just to make sure she knew I cared about this day. It didn't exactly go as planned.. there was someone else she was dating at the time and half of the dance she was dancing with him. We didn't really get to talk much. But now, in 7th grade, we have 4 minutes to get from the class we were just in, go all the way across the school to your locker and than all the way back across the school to your next class. It's hard to talk to anyone.. not to mention bathroom/water/library/sprinting across the school up the stairs to a teacher to turn in an assignment that was due yesterday that my mom still doesn't know about.. so yeah. I also don't have the same lunch period as her. I can't talk to her at all unless we are in band because thats the only period I have with her. And Mr. Barker hates when we talk in band lol. It's like there's this barrier trapping me inside the friend zone and then minute I try to escape, well.. " hahaha! Your so funny! My emotions and thought process: " JUST BE A MAN AND SAY YOU WANT MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP! " or there's: " self, go play it off like a joke and then sit in class and feel like old hot water left in the car that everyone sees, but refuses to pick up or drink unless they are dying of heat stroke and then spits you out because your to hot. " (sorry I don't think I have ever ranted harder in my life) it's terrible..

[Sam W]

Hi fullmetal_freak,

Oh man, I remember feeling similar to how you do when I was in school. So, I am going to second Heather's advice and tell you what I wish someone had told me: you've just got to ask, preferably sooner rather than later, and then take the answer as gracefully as you can (*cringes at memories of how past self reacted to rejection).

I do want to caution you about thinking of things in terms of the friend zone. Liking someone and fearing that they don't like you back sucks. It also sucks to be afraid of losing a friendship you value due to awkwardness resulting from you expressing those feelings. But it's also a bummer to find out that a friend has been hoping to be something more and not telling you. So, this is one of those instances where a "ripping off the band-aid" approach is going to be to both her benefit and yours, if that makes sense.

[fullmetal_freak]

Well I just got the courage today to put my phone number in her locker but she had to leave early right before I was about to ask her.. I am trying that "ripping off the band-aid" thing and just doing it courage or not. I think this might go well because we have been friends for a long time and the subject of us dating has been brought up plenty of times. Maybe, if I play my cards right, she might say yes. Thank you for all of your help. I will post again if something goes wrong.

[Heather]

And probably nothing will actually go wrong, you just might not get the kind of answer or response that you want. And that's okay. Learning to be resilient is pretty essential to living and being able to deal with life, and the same goes with dealing with rejection. The more practice we get, the easier and less of a big deal it tends to get, so even unwanted, disappointing outcomes with things like this have positive things to offer us!

Good on you for stepping up and taking a positive risk for what you want!