Scarleteen

Hi. I am 18 years old boy (or man). I have some weird feelings and thoughts and I am kind of lost in them. I dont know for sure what gender I want to be. Not sure how to start so i will write my feelings from childhood and puberty as i remember them.

Once my parents told me that they waited a girl and later they found out that I will be a boy. Pleasured me, that I was meant to be a girl, but I didnt care about my gender in kindergarden or elementary school. About 11 years I had made myself believe that I should be a girl but god had intervened with some purpouse (i am not believing anymore) and i was fine with that. Later I started playing some verbal rpgs (like dungeons and dragons) where I always enjoyed playing female characters. I often imagined that i am actually that character. In my sex phantasies I was always woman and I liked it. In real I am very behind my schoolmates, becouse I have never tryied to do something with my bird and never have fell in love with a girl. When it comes to dancing school I was envious about girls. I realised that I maybe want to live as a woman, but I dont feel a disgust with my own body or even a bird. I dont realy like idea of wearing woman clothes becouse I am a man (at least my body is) and that dont fit together and of course I am very scared of other peoples reaction. I have many good friends among boys and I find it realy hard to befriend with girls (maybe I am expected to date with them, dont know). I have never felt heavily stressed about my gender until today.

Now I am not even sure if am not trying to convice myself that I want to be something, that I dont want to really be or reversely if I am not convincing myself that am fine with that which I have. It is like fighting with myself!
Have you got any experiencies or advices?

Sorry for my english my mother language is czech and I cant really focus on grammar when writing this.

Hello, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Not all transgender people feel disgust or discomfort around their own bodies; some do, for sure, but not having that feeling isn't a sign you aren't transgender. It certainly sounds like you've had a lot of instances where picturing yourself as a woman is comforting or affirming to you. And if that's the overriding feeling, not feeling upset about your body as-is doesn't negate that. Bodies can be an important component of gender identity, but they aren't the only one. And feeling fine about your body now doesn't mean you might not be even happier with changes.

It sounds like you're getting a little caught up in worrying that you're overthinking things, or trying to convince yourself one way or the other. Big stuff like this can be a bit of a mental tangle! One thing you might want to look into is talking some of this out with a counselor or therapist - preferably someone who has experience with transgender patients and the WPATH standards of care. In most places any sort of medical transition requires consulting with a mental health professional anyway, so if this was something you decided to pursue you would have a head start on the process. But a good therapist won't bring their agenda to sessions and will instead help you work through your feelings for some clarity.

I'm also wondering if you'd find it helpful to talk this over with other people, either other folks who are questioning or who are just starting to identify as a different gender than they are assigned at birth. I am not as familar with resources in the Czech Republic but you could try doing a search for LGBT community centers or organizations in your area, or look online for mailing lists or message boards where you might be able to bounce ideas off of other folks in a similar situation.