I Can't Get Aroused with My Boyfriend

[chickengrits]

Hi all,

I'm a bit older than the normal user here (25) but I just became sexually active. That being said, I can't seem to get aroused with my boyfriend.

A bit of backstory:

My first sexual experience was a trainwreck. I've had vaginal pain upon penetration since I was young (and learned I have a rectocele and entrocele a couple weeks ago) and the first guy I dated pretty much used me and then ghosted me. I didn't really want to have sex with him, and kind of felt pressured. Neither of us got off and he couldn't get in me. The second guy I dated I made out with, but again, seemed to only try and visit when he wanted to have sex.

Fast forward to this guy: He's very sweet, knows about my medical conditions (I also have a condition that causes me to wear a wig, and he was totally okay about it), he's completely open and so considerate in bed and really wants to please me. However, even masturbation on my own is pretty meh in it's own right, and my lack of experience means I don't really know what I do like. I can get him off with my hands, and that makes me happy, but sometimes I just feel detached from sex and relationships, and I can never get aroused when he is (and when I'm in the mood, it's usually at a random time in the middle of the day). I also have panic disorder, and having a relationship is a big change in my routine (I live alone). I'm not sure if it's the anxiety, my general awkwardness, past experiences, or my lack of experience that makes this difficult for me, but I really would like to be aroused by and around him. It all works out in my head, but when it comes time for it, I'm just...so turned off. I tried so hard to get an orgasm to the point where I chaffed and had to stop.

My boyfriend is totally willing to be patient and never pressures me, but whenever I go over, I'm so scared and nervous it'll just devolve into sex and sometimes I just want to cuddle and not kiss anyone. I have fun when we get frisky, but it's never actually arousal.

Is this normal? What can I do?

[Amanda]

Hi chickengrits,

First of all, I'm sorry that all of this is causing you so much stress, and that you've had such negative and unfulfilling sexual relationships in the past.

I feel like one of the best things you could do right now would be to take a step back, and to take the focus off of orgasm. Ironically, the more we put pressure on ourselves to "perform," the less likely we are to actually enjoy the sex we're having. Try thinking of sex less as something with a pre-determined end-goal, and rather as an opportunity to explore our own or another person's body. Also, you mentioned chaffing yourself while masturbating-- no one should ever have to experience this with any sexual act! That's where lube comes in. Use it generously with any kind of manual sexual contact or intercourse.

Regarding your anxiety before you go an see your boyfriend: do you feel comfortable telling him outright that would rather just cuddle? If not, feeling comfortable with communication and boundary-setting may be something you two could work on, as they are a very important aspect of any healthy relationship.

Finally, do you have a counselor that you check in with about your anxiety? If so, do yo ever talk with them about your sexual anxiety and feelings of detachment? With the right counselor, I'm sure conversations about this topic would be very helpful to you.

Here are some articles that you may find helpful as well...
Something to go through with your partner to boost your sexual communication: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Other good FYIs:
How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
Lube 101: A Slick Little primer

[chickengrits]

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for your advice. I think a lot of it does stem from my anxiety. I've never really had anyone find me attractive (sexually or otherwise) until recently (when I started wearing a different wig) and also in part because my dad would say men are animals and have sex on the brain all the time, which my last two experiences kinda followed. I still have weird hangups about sex, where I'm both interested and repulsed at the same time, and I think that's a hangup I need to get over and just stop thinking too hard about it.

I did some reading from pieces of other people with anxiety and how it feels to have a sexual relationship, and I related to a lot of it (such as disassociating afterwards when the situation became too mentally intense), so I'm feeling mildly better. I like the idea of a checklist and being able to say, "No, I really don't want any physical affection right now."

I am indeed seeing someone for my anxiety, but my psychiatrist is more into prescribing me pills than talk therapy (I'm on zoloft and xanax), so I'm in the process of finding a good psychologist as well.

Thank you for the advice!

[Amanda]

You're welcome, good luck!

[Redskies]

I just wanted to make a couple of additions to the good stuff Amanda said.

Arousal is mostly in the mind, so if you're feeling turned off when you start trying to engage with your body sexually, chances are pretty high that the physical stimulation isn't going to result in you feeling arousal. Trying to continue when you're not really into it might make you feel more anxious, pressured and turned-off, too, so I'd absolutely second Amanda's suggestion to take a step back, but not just from orgasm, from absolutely any kind of sexual stimulation or interaction that you're not feeling really really good about and keen to do in that moment. Particularly with the negative messages and pressuring you've experienced in the past, it's sounding like slowing way down and sticking only with things that you do feel really good about might be the way forward here: that'd give you a chance to build up some good experiences and lessen the chance that a part of your mind is heading into sexual interaction with some (understandable, in your past context) negative expectations.

Maybe one way you alone and with your boyfriend might start that with you is to focus more on sensual, rather than sexual, pleasure. Different people like different things: maybe you like bubble baths? The feeling of crisp cold air or sun when you go for a walk? Particular kinds of music or food? Massages? Holding hands and stroking fingers? For the things you do with your boyfriend, I'd suggest having the two of you agree that these sensual activities won't involve any kind of sex, to give you more of an opportunity to relax and enjoy the moment and the sensations.

[chickengrits]

Hi Amanda and Redskies,

I had a talk with my boyfriend yesterday and he said he's totally willing to work through it with me and to wait. It definitely endeared me to him more, but I'm still anxious. I'm seeing the therapist next week and my psychiatrist today said that intimacy is something that needs to built over time. I guess I'm kind of jealous of all my friends who have relationships and it's all hearts and immediate flowers for them. I might be rushing things.

I also read the article on here about how "Saying Men Suck Hurts Everyone," and I think that's the other issue too. My parents (particularly my Dad) taught me all men are horny all the time and just have sex on the brain and that relationships are more like a goods and services exchange for sex, and it's really hard to shake that notion after twenty-five years of it.

I'm also still uncomfortable being wanted and being viewed as hot and desirable. I'm hoping to work with the therapist with these issues so I can be more at ease. He's a really good guy, I'm just a very nervous person when it comes to sex.

I'm going to try to take everything slow and just let sex happens when it happens (and when I'm in the mood) instead of trying to rush things.

Thanks again for the advice!

Edit: I realized I repeated a lot of information in here already, sorry! My memory is pretty bad, haha.

[Redskies]

I'm so sorry your parents gave you such crappy messages Good on you for recognising it and trying to counter them, though. We have quite a few pieces on the site where we've answered young men who were feeling insecure about something or who had relationship concerns - I wondered if reading some of those might help you a little?

I'm not surprised you're still feeling anxious. You're only just beginning to implement the changes you need, and it's not the kind of thing that's one-quick-fix-and-done. As you said, it just needs some time, and something like this is really going to take its own time I'm really glad your boyfriend's on board; you might find that you experience the impact of that more long-term than right away, because what'll really make the difference is when he continues being a decent human being, long-term, and you have the proof of your own experiences that it's not just a brief thing and then someone starts pressuring you again.

People have very different pacings with relationships and romance. Something you might be missing from the outside with your friends' experiences, though, is, I absolutely guarantee that some of the fast all-hearts-and-roses don't stay that way for long. For some people, when we meet someone new and exciting who seems to like us too, it can feel very exciting and whole-heart-on-sleeve before the two know each other very well; sometimes, as they get to know one another, it goes well and they carry on liking each other, and sometimes, they don't like each other so much after all. It's absolutely okay if you're someone who needs a lot of time to build trust, which is essential for real intimacy. Being too fast all-in into hearts-and-flowers is actually not very healthy, as the foundation doesn't exist yet; it's a bit like building a castle on sand rather than on solid ground, if you follow. You might find Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots some helpful food for thought.