I'm really sorry to hear you felt at fault for this. I want to say a few things about that I hope will be helpful.
Consent isn't the same when it's something we give not because we want to, but feel we have to. Sure, technically that's consent, but it's not enthusiastic consent, which, as it sounds like you know now, is just a totally different animal.
If and when people find that they are in situations where someone wants something sexual from them and they don't feel they have the right to say no when they want it, something got them there. That something can be about messages they were given in how they were raised, about other kinds of abuse, about the relationship or interaction that's happening in being one where the other person isn't really giving them any real room to say no, or is sending some kind of messaging that you should or must say yes...a lot of things. That way of thinking and feeling doesn't happen in a vacuum, it comes from things. Really, we have to LEARN not to stand up for ourselves when we don't want something: if you've ever been around toddlers who haven't already been traumatized or otherwise taught not to do that, you know all about it: the power of a two-year-old NO! is a mighty, mighty thing of great power and intensity.
I've said things like this to users many times in the past, but I'll say it again, because it seems like people just need to hear it from someone who's in the position to say it: I am someone who has been molested, violently group assaulted, and also someone who has given consent only under duress or when I felt, for some reason, I didn't really have the right to say no. I know that all of those things are traumatizing. By all means, they're not all the same, and we know from data that one big difference with trauma is that if and when people have felt their life has been at risk during trauma, that trauma tends to have bigger, stickier impacts. But seriously, that's about it: otherwise, we really can't quantify trauma like that because how something impacts someone has so much to do with how different we are, the varied contexts of our lives and backgrounds, the works. In fact, I have also lived through emotional and verbal abuse in part of my family, and in a lot of ways, for me, as an individual, I have found THAT abuse has often had harder-to-heal from impacts than violent sexual assault, just to give you an example of how differently we can be traumatized and impacted by different things.
No one naming what has happened to them discounts someone else because of different experiences, or what one person has the idea is universally "worse" than their experience. Sometimes people who haven't done any real healing yet or are in a tough spot with theirs might feel that way, but truly, it doesn't. Again, I don't know the whole context of all of this (yet, and maybe I won't ever, and that's okay), but if "abuse" feels like the right thing to call what happened to you, now or later, I would encourage you to trust yourself, and trust the rest of us who have been abused in knowing we don't need to own that word to make our own abuse real or valid.
I wonder: do you think some of why you haven't really talked about this with your partner is because you feel like what you experienced pales to what he did, so you don't feel like it's okay for you to talk about it with him? Or do you think not talking about this with him is about other things? If so, what?
That's a lot to start with, I know, and this whole opening is a big conversation that obviously can't be had in a day or two: no one has the emotional energy for that, even if they have the time, especially someone just finally starting to talk about this. So, know that if you want to keep talking, I'm in -- and same goes for the staff here -- and we can do that over as much time as you want. We've talked with people working through this stuff sometimes for weeks, many months, even over the course of years.
But I also want to do what I can to build you a bigger net and more resources than just us, so do you have access to books, either by buying them or getting them at a library? And are you someone who responds better when learning to reading text, or to things like videos or film?
Are you open to seeking out counseling or support groups if we (or you) can find any you have access to and the ability to get to and pay for (if there is a cost)? How do you feel about other ways to explore healing with this, like bodywork (therapeutic massage) or classes/workshops?
Are you open to starting to talk more about this with your partner? And is he generally open to reading or watching things we might suggest for you when it makes sense to be looking at things together?
All of that can help me start to build you some helps.
I have to head out of work for the day today, but I will be here a bit in the morning and all day Saturday if you'd like to keep talking more.
It's a big deal, by the way, to start talking about something you have been scared to for a long time: I hope you're giving yourself big props!
