First relationship since rape

[AshesAshes]

Hi,
First I'll give you a little background. I was raped at age 10 by 4 guys at my middle school. I have had flashbacks and the normal emotions surrounding rape since then, but they have faded after 3 years. Physically, I am unaffected by the incident. Emotionally, however, I have had a difficult time. I don't trust guys easily, and I haven't all through middle school. Except for one guy who I have been close friends with since the later part of the year I was raped. It has taken me a long time to trust him, but I do. We are best friends and recently he became my boyfriend. He knows about my past and is amazing about it, he's never judged me for it.

So, now that you know the background, let me explain my current problem. This is my first relationship since the rape, and my first relationship ever. Even though I trust him, I'm worried about moving too fast. He hasn't been moving too fast or anything, but I'm worried. I do trust him, but I'm scared. Sometimes physical contact causes flashbacks and stuff. I'm the first to admit that I haven't been the same since I was raped. I'm just not sure how to get rid of the fear that I have surrounding relationships. And I don't want him to react strangely to my reluctance to have physical contact(even if not sexual). What do I do?

[Heather]

How about talking with him about this, and building some great practices around consent before you even get there? It sounds to me like the worry is coming from a lack of trust of this person as a male person around sex, based on your assault. So, doing what you can together to build important practices everyone needs anyway -- whether they have a past history of assault or not -- might go a long way towards making you feel more comfortable, less worried, and more confident that you don't have to worry about assault happening with this person.

Does that sound good? If so, want to fill me in on your own knowledge about consent -- with sex, but alaos just with anything, including plain old touch -- and what you might need to know how to both do it right together and to start talking about it?

[Mo]

Hi AshesAshes, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I think communication is going to be your friend here. Maybe you can have an initial talk with him where you mention your fears about moving too fast, and the fact that you have flashbacks sometimes, so he can be aware of the specifics if he doesn't know them already. If you know for sure that there are physical things you don't want right now, you can set those boundaries; that might help you feel less worry about him stepping over lines if he doesn't know they're there. And then other things might be ok on a case-by-case basis, or generally fine but something he should check in with you about, etc. I realize you might not know how you'll react to different things, and that what feels fine one day might provoke flashbacks the next. But setting up some basic boundaries and a history of communicating about this will hopefully make future conversations a bit easier.

I think this article will be a helpful read: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast
In addition, this one might be good to look at when thinking about what sorts of physical or sexual contact you might want to talk about and/or set limits around: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[AshesAshes]

Thank you. I am familiar with consent and that both partners need to discuss what they are comfortable with. I will have a talk with him about it. Thanks again for your advice.