Scarleteen

First of all, thank you for having me on your forum, and for taking time to read this topic.

I have had a very troublesome love life: I lost my virginity to a very unsuitable and emotionally manipulative person. Since then, I've gone out with men who have used sex as a weapon of control, and find it incredibly difficult to have healthy or properly functioning sexual relationships.

I find that when I'm involved physically with men, I just freeze: I don't know what to do. I don't know what I like, how to express my likes and dislikes, how to be upfront about matters of consent, etc. Usually I just lie down, shut up, and wait for it all to stop; my body doesn't feel what's happening to it, and my mind finds itself far away from what's happening. It leads to my partners being incredibly confused, and more often than not exploiting it; a lot of my exes have worked on the "silence means yes" approach.

Last year, I was coerced by a man I was seeing at the time into having sex in a public place, and I was so scared of saying no that I complied. I felt numb and sick afterwards, and since then I whenever I do anything sexual my brain just checks out completely. My last boyfriend (now my ex) used our relationship as a way to experiment with his bizarre fetishes, which made me feel so degraded and used that by the end I dreaded it. I felt like I had to say yes to everything, because if I said no I'd be considered selfish.

I want to find a way to help have a better attitude to sex and relationships, because I know I'm afraid of sex. But I don't know how. I hate that I hate sex, and I want to like it. I don't want to just be passively lying there and waiting for it to be over.

Can someone help me?

Hi IthilienDude, and welcome to Scarleteen.

It sounds like it might be a good idea to take a break from sexual relationships with other people, for now. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to spend some time on your own sexual self and feelings, whether that's through masturbation, fantasy, or just thinking about what an ideal sex life or sexual relationship would look like to you. Focusing just on yourself right now might be a way to find things you enjoy about sex in a less complicated situation. I hear you say that you really want to enjoy sex and I think it might be easier for you to do some experimentation on your own to see what you do find enjoyable doing or thinking about than it would be to try and learn all of this with a partner when you've had what sound like entirely negative experiences.

Thank you for your reply, Mo, and apologies for the lateness.

The annoying thing about this whole situation is I don't have any issues with my own sexuality outside relationships. I have no problem exploring my feelings and thoughts about how I behave sexually with myself. But add another person into the mix and I just lose all sense of self. My ability to put up boundaries is non-existent, and I'm susceptible to emotional blackmail and manipulation: when I try and explain these things to partners, they instantly say that they would never do anything to harm me, which gives me a false sense of security which is always exploited.

Now, I'm at a point in life where I don't trust my own judgment anymore.

Hi Ithiliendude,

I hear that this situation is frustrating, especially if it's leaving you feeling as though you can't trust your judgement. Maybe one question to ask yourself is: where, if you had to guess, is that feeling of freezing or not being able to assert boundaries coming from? That might give you a starting place for how to tackle the issue.

Also, i just wanted to say that how your ex treated you, with all that coercion, was absolutely not okay. Having a partner who acts like that can really mess with your head, so you're not weird for feeling off-kilter in the wake of it.

Thank you for your reply, Sam W.

This is something I've been trying to work out for a very long time. When I was a teenager - before I made the decision to be sexually active - and had boyfriends, I had no problem with laying down rules when it came to the kinds of contact I was and was not okay with. My first sexual partner was in 2011, and his approach was rather dysfunctional, and - in retrospect - I believe he made use of my naivety and inexperience. For him sex was a weapon and a tool for validation, it was not a form of communication. Since then, all my sexual partners have used sex as a tool for emotional manipulation.

I wasn't well taught growing up with regards to sexual relationships: my parents were staunchly against premarital sex, and avoided all conversations about sex at all. They don't even know I'm not straight, because apparently bi people are 'creepy'. My parents are fine with gay/Lesbian people as long as they have unconsummated relationships. When my mother found out I wasn't a virgin at 21 she was very upset.

Another problematic factor is that during my upbringing personal boundaries were not honoured: I was never allowed to say 'No' to anything - chores, socialising, playing with siblings etc. - and if I wasn't in the mood for affection I would be accused of 'not loving' my parents. Being 'selfish' or asserting personal boundaries was punishable by indefinite banishment to the bedroom, with all toys and books removed; I would be in there for hours sometimes.

I believe all these factors have ended up in a toxic cocktail of powerlessness. I believe that asserting boundaries is 'selfish', and that 'selfishness' is bad. My biggest fear in life is being perceived a self-centred, stuck-up, high-maintenance partner.

It's all quite an upsetting scenario.

A toxic cocktail indeed, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I have a few thoughts, and hopefully other folks will be able to chime in as well. One is to, if you haven't already, find a counselor to talk to this about. I say that because you've identified a lot of factors here, some of which go way back into your childhood, and having some who is trained to pick apart that kind of web might be helpful. Plus, counselors can also provide a space where you can run scenarios and practice things like boundary setting.

Speaking of boundary setting, one thing to try is practicing setting them in little ways in your day to day life (we can brainstorm a few ways to do that, if you'd like). That way, it starts to feel more natural to assert your needs, which might make it easier to do so the next time you're with a partner. It might be hard at first, especially if that was something you were not allowed to do as a kid, but practice can go a long way to making it easier. If you haven't, I'd also recommend the site "Captain Awkward." It's an advice blog that covers a lot of topics, but boundaries and how to protect them is a common one.

Just to make sure I don't miss anything in your history, are you the same user with this handle we've had in other services (I'm mostly thinking of an advice answer from 2011, especially since if there's any religious trauma or conflict in the mix here, that can be something that's important to include) a bunch of years ago? That's fine, obviously, but I just don't want to miss anything.

I just wanted to add something here which is perhaps super-obvious, but I think is also really important to recognize: just based on what you have posted in this thread, you have been through an awful lot of sexual trauma. A LOT. And like any kind of trauma, that's going to have an impact. In fact, I'd say it'd be kind of a miracle -- or that you had super-amazing help from someone like a therapist who really worked well for and with you -- if you weren't having some big issues when it came to sex, since it sounds like most of the trauma you've suffered has been pretty recent, not decades ago.

Can I ask how long it's been since the last time you experienced anything sexually traumatic, or, if you don't file it in there for yourself, anything sexual where you didn't feel able to hold your own lines? Or, where you "Usually I just lie down, shut up, and wait for it all to stop; my body doesn't feel what's happening to it" and then dissociate?

Can I also ask if you've ever sought out any kind of counseling to get help and support in working through any of your trauma, or, if not professional help, if you've done any kind of DIY work for yourself to process it?

Thank you for your replies, Heather and Sam W.

There's a lot of questions in this reply: I'll do my best to not forget any.

Firstly, yes: I was hoping you would have forgotten my existence by this point. I was a truly horrid person around that time. I was hoping to have forgotten about my existence during that time at this point also, but no scientists have invented selective memory erasing technology. Having said all that though, I was surprised that I couldn't sign in with this handle and had to make a new account.

It's funny how you talk of trauma, and it's relieving to hear someone validate my very negative experiences as trauma. Having been brought up in a repressive household with absolutely no guidance, I don't know what's normal and what isn't. Irish people and society in general have an appalling attitude to overall sexual education on freedom of expression. Also, there is unfortunately a lot of victim shaming in Ireland about these kinds of topics.

My most recent relationship ended at the beginning of September, and I would classify it as both emotionally and sexually abusive. He was a virgin, and I felt that I had to be forgiving and accommodating of his inexperience, but it quickly turned into a very one way street: he had me indulge fetishes of his that he'd fantasised about, that I was utterly NOT comfortable with. He demanded satisfaction from me without compromise, and was unwilling to learn when it came to my satisfaction. By the end, I felt used up and spat out.

The most disappointing thing about the whole sordid mess is that I explained to him how I had been assaulted, which was why at first I was very slow to fully commit, and he reassured me he would be careful. But once I let my guard down it was impossible to fix it. Sometimes, when a stray memory of the experience comes to mind, I feel physically reviled and almost sick, and disgusted with myself.

I have been to many counsellors and professionals over the years. In both 2011 I was hospitalised for a failed suicide, and in 2013 I was hospitalised for severe self-inflicted scalpel injuries; after the incident in 2013 I was referred to psychotherapy, which lasted 18 months. In that whole time, sexuality or sexual relationships of any kind were not even touched on. In fact, most therapists I have seen are made horribly uncomfortable by the mere mention of it.

I hope that answers your questions, and I hope I don't seem too 'me me me' about the whole thing...

As for your suggestions, Sam: I will definitely look up that site. As I think I mentioned before, I was better at boundaries when I was a teenager, but somewhere alone my journey it went a bit wrong. When I spent all that time in the psychotherapist, all we did was talk about the past but without any strategies, which I felt was incredibly unhelpful. Needless to say, the Irish mental health services have a LOT to learn.

That sounds like an awful lot of awfulness to go through, and to recover from. It sounds like you were taking a lot of good steps to take care of yourself (like seeking out the therapist) and it sucks that those resources have not worked out for you. Would you feel comfortable trying a new therapist, maybe one that has a background in working with trauma survivors, and using tips that we can give you (or that places like Captain Awkward might have) for how to talk to them about this so that they address it in a helpful way?

Too, do you know of any sexual assault survivor resources in your area? They're fairly common in the US, but it sounds like they may be less so in Ireland.

(Just FYI, from the last time you were around and now, we had to install a whole new board system because the oldness and bigness of the old one finally broke it! So, you having to make a new account wasn't about you doing anything wrong in the past -- I don't remember you as horrible, btw -- but something all users of the old boards had to do once we got our new ones installed. )

I think that it sounds to me like THAT -- and we're certainly happy to talk with you here, as well -- sexual abuse/assault support may be more of the kind of help and support you need, and probably feel best about, now, than anything else. This is a good place to start in Ireland: http://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/how-we-can ... -the-past/

Here's their page for locations of their services, which include counseling: http://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/find-a-service/

(And I hear you about Irish culture: that's half my own ethnic and cultural background, and all the world-of-yes-and-ugh to what you've said about so much Irish culture and sex, sexuality and a lack of recognition for sexual and interpersonal violence and abuse.)

Thank you for your suggestions and support, Heather and Sam W.

It's sort of a good thing that the service got so in demand that it crashed: it means that a lot of people are learning and getting the help they need from Scarleteen

I have been feeling for some time that going to a professional to talk about it would be the best thing for me to do. I once tried to call the Rape Crisis people here, but I just couldn't make myself call or e-mail them: I had intense feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, and anger. The fear of how I might be perceived, or what others might think of me, or - worse - bumping into someone I know in the process of getting help are all quite big barriers to me. Irish cities are small, especially if you work in my line, which is community and youth work.

Getting in contact with them feels like an absolute declaration of being a victim of trauma; you can't deny it anymore, it becomes very real. The concept of it is terrifying

Well, it was never meant to be used at the volume we used it: our developer basically had to keep hacking it to make it work, but even her valiant efforts were eventually in vain.

I understand that it's scary to tell hard truths, especially this kind. For myself, if it helps to have a personal perspective, despite even one very violent gang assault in my youth, after trying at the time to report to police and having them treat it very poorly and just not have the skills (it was the early 1980's, so few people had them, to be fair) to even have a clue what was going on, I didn't even say out loud, to anyone, including to myself, for several years that anything had happened to me, despite it's very clear and giant impacts.

When it comes to services from advocates, expressly, it might be helpful to remind yourself that they are literally experts in these feelings, and the barriers to seeking out help and support those feelings so typically create for survivors. Of course, too, anyone you'd bump into in those kinds of services in getting hep would either be a) someone providing the help, who gets it, or b) someone getting the same kind of help who are, who also gets it. It's not like people are just randomly wandering around in survivor services who aren't survivors themselves, providers of those services, or, as is so often the case for those of us who provide them, both.

But you also get to go with what you feel ready for, and you're the best expert on what you're able to handle, and when you do and don't feel capable of taking even positive risks. It sounds to me like this time is ripe here for you, and maybe has been for a while, however scary it can feel, but I'm not the expert of you: you are.

I haven't ever really had problems with talking about depression and self-harm and things in a therapeutic environment, because it was something that was very obviously wrong and needed addressing. The whole sexuality and relationships thing was something I had very poor socialisation around, and as such have difficulty with.

I might send them an e-mail; it feels a lot less daunting than a phone call o.O

Thank you all with your responses, compassion, and support. It has been very helpful ^_^

If it helps at all, the people receiving your email or phone call will be very used to people not being sure how to start talking about things, or finding it hard to start talking. They'll be okay with whatever you feel is right for you to say, or whatever you can manage. They'll also very likely be just as aware as you are of the cultural and social situation of repression around sexuality, and will very likely understand and relate to anyone who was feeling a bit lost or unsure.