Is it normal to not get as wet as when you were a teenager?

[limmy]

When I was younger I used to get a lot more wet and turned on, but now that I'm in my early twenties I can't get as wet. I used to be able to get turned on just by reading erotic things or seeing people kissing or watching porn.

I quit porn a couple of years ago but it hasn't helped.

Is it just a normal thing?

[Heather]

Bodies don't stay the same through all of our lives, for sure, and how much, and based on what kind of stimulation -- be that psychological or physical -- is afoot per someone's vagina (presuming that's the body part we're talking about) lubricating can also vary from one time to another.

It's pretty common, for instance, for people to find that something that used to turn them on a lot doesn't anymore, or doesn't as much, or that something that never did, now does, because our sexualities and how we respond to them is also always changing. It's also common when all of this stuff is super-new for it to feel way more WHOAHEXCITING! than it might once it's more familiar.

[limmy]

I see, thanks.

The exact same things turn me on, but physically my reactions are nowhere near as strong as they were, one of the physical reactions being my vagina not being anywhere near as lubricated/swollen as it would once get. Oh well.

[Heather]

Well, and don't forget that no way of our bodies being is permanent. So very many factors are in play when it comes to sexual response, from how our bodies are chemically at a given time or life phase, to stress, diet, sleep and activity, our own sense of self, our relationships, the works.

When we talk about being "turned on," that's about not just how we feel in our heads, but how our bodies respond. So, it may be those things DO turn you on less than they did, but that's okay. You get to have different responses to different things at different times, and may have new things or experiences that you find later turn you on -- and may also result in the kind of swelling and lubrication you've experienced in the past -- you have yet to even discover.

And really, that newness of things does tend to be a big factor in sexual excitement for people: human sexual response doesn't tend to be..well, as responsive to what's familiar or a habit as it does to what's novel or new. That's one reason it's often challenging for people in long-term sexual relationships to stay as excited and responsive, as an example. So, while it's not a big to self-lubricate less (after all, lube comes in bottles and tubes, and manufactured lubes actually work better, anyway), if you're finding you're feeling less excited or responding less to your own sexual habits, that may be a cue from your body you may respond well to mixing things up a bit.

[limmy]

Hmm, well I've tried different sex toys and ways of stimulating myself and techniques, and I've explored different kinds of porn and fantasies, I don't know what else to do, is there even anything else to do?

[Heather]

I wouldn't suggest you treat this like some kind of crisis. Rather, I'd just let it be what it is, and just be open to whatever new things -- be it by yourself or with partners -- you find strike your interest through your life and explore what you want to, and see what you see!

But I'd also make sure that you're aware of the limitations of a sexual life that's just, or mostly, about media (like porn) and fantasy. If and when people have a sexual life that is more focused on media and what's not real --again, media, fantasy -- rather than what is, it is going to usually tend to get old pretty quickly, just like if any other area of your life were more about fantasy and media than reality. Does that make sense?

Human sexuality is such a very diverse thing, much like, say, food is. So, someone who doesn't know anything about you, like myself, couldn't possible know what kinds of things to suggest for you to check out or try, because when it comes to what we do and also take in as possibly sexual stimulus, it really could be just about anything on earth. If I had a better sense of your whole sexual history, from knowing about you and your sexuality over some time and in some depth, maybe, but without that, I just wouldn't even know where to start.

[limmy]

How do you find new things?

What do you mean by having a sexual life based on reality? As in amateur porn?

[Heather]

I'm wondering if I'm perhaps missing something here: it's sounding to me like, perhaps, you are conceptualizing all of human sexuality as being involved with pornography or erotica, or some kind of media. In other words, "reality" versus "media" can mean that there is NO kind of porn or any other media in the mix at all, just you having a sexual life, alone or with partners, where what's going on is just about the people in the room present. No kind of porn is going to be anyone's real-life or a reflection of sexual realities: not for the people in it (including amateurs, who mostly just get paid less than pros, that's the real difference), and not really for anyone watching it either, save that it may be that porn is part of their sexual lives. But it's no more "real" for the actors or viewers than, say, Transformers movies are for the actors or viewers. It's fantasy and fantasy media -- not, say, documentary media -- no matter how you slice it.

Can you maybe fill me in more on what you're asking, and what I might not be getting here?

[limmy]

I'm not sure how to base my sexual life just on myself, I'm not stimulated by thoughts of myself, so I have to seek external sources of sexual stimulation. For me that is fantasies, porn and so on. As for a partner, I occasionally have casual sex with people from online but that's never been very stimulating, in fact sexual acts that I've fantasised about for years have been ruined for me because the real thing just didn't live up to how I imagined it would feel like/be.

So when you say base my sexual life on reality, I'm not sure how to go about doing that.

[Heather]

Okay. So, one thing I'm hearing here that could be in the mix for you is it may be that part of why reality, with real people, IRL, has been such a bummer is that you might just be overdoing it with the fantasy. After all, real-life sex isn't going to be like porn sex (and that's more of a good thing than a bad one, IMO, since the people in porn are acting, and if what was going on in porn IRL *was* IRL, they probably wouldn't be very excited, either). Too, if we fantasize about something we haven't experienced for-real for a very long time, we aren't likely to have our expectations met, no matter what that thing is, because again, how something is in our imaginations -- or in media expressly created NOT to be realistic, whether that's porn or Harry Potter -- isn't often how it's going to be in real life. This is one of the big reasons that any kind of sexual media should never be through to be an expression of anyone's sexual, off-camera reality: it's not, and it can't be.

Since sexual fantasy and fantasy media sounds like it may be losing its luster for you, and you have also found that fantasy may well be making it pretty hard for you to enjoy reality, this may be one of those situations where it's time to have a think about stepping away more from fantasy and sexual fantasy media (AKA, erotica and porn) so that you have some real time and room to explore what's real and experience sex IRL without comparing it to fantasy, instead taking time to explore and create a sexual life for you that you like as it is.

And that tends to take time, for anyone: few people come to sex, especially with partners, with everything being awesome and amazing right off the bat, especially with brand new partners they don't get to take the time to really get to know well, and learn together what they like and what works for them. Casual hookups aren't for everyone, and I'd even wager to say that they don't work all that well as the only way to be sexual with others for most people, because most people really need time to get to know each other and to learn to be sexual together in ways both enjoy, which tends to take a kind of time and level of communication that a one-off just rarely can offer unless it's a one-off that lasts for days with a LOT of talking going on throughout.

Too, it might be that if you're finding you really have to take yourself totally out of the picture to get turned on, you might benefit from learning to enjoy your own sexual self and finding things in yourself you do find arousing and sexually exciting.

Any of this is all the stuff of a lot of talks, not so much a few quick hits in one afternoon. I'm certainly happy to talk more with you about any of this over time, if you like. If you want to do that, what might be helpful and give me more ideas about what to suggest for you would be you filling me in more on how you feel about your sexual life on the whole: how satisfied you feel and have felt, what you like about it, what you don't, what feels like it's been great, what feels like it's lacking or sucks, etc.

[limmy]

So when I'm masturbating, what should I think about to stimulate myself if I shouldn't use fantasy? Do I think about nothing at all when touching myself?

I'm not capable of getting anything other than a casual one-time partner, so it's just me. How do I build a sexual life for myself, alone, that doesn't involve fantasy?

I've come to a point now where I feel like I've explored my entire sexuality and there are no more avenues to go down and try out, I've run out of ideas of new sexual things to try.

I've never really been satisfied sexually. For a long time I imagined that I could fix my problem by finding someone to have sex with and that would be satisfying, but it didn't help. My sexual life up until a year ago involved masturbating to erotica, porn, fantasies about guys I liked. I used to, for example, really enjoy the idea of someone going down on me, but having experienced the actual thing several times now it doesn't feel anywhere near as good as I thought it would, and so fantasising about oral sex no longer turns me on. I've tried countless things by myself and with other people.

I've run out of ideas.

[Sam W]

Hi limmy,

One thing to try is focusing primarily on the sensations in your body when you masturbate. That can have the double bonus of weaning you off of some of the fantasy and helping you get to know your body more. Also, have you been (or are you interested in) using sex toys at all? Because those can also introduce some sensations into the mix.

Can I ask why you feel that a casual or one time partner is your only option for partnered sex?

Too, as Heather mentioned, when we build something up in our heads, reality seldom (or never) matches up to it. Something else to try is focusing less on achieving a fantasy level of pleasure and instead focus on what feels good in the moment. Does that make sense?

[limmy]

Well, I've masturbated and focused on my breathing only instead of other thoughts, but then I need to imagine erotic scenarios in order to get turned on. Like I said in a previous post I do have sex toys, including a very powerful wand vibrator and dildos and butt plugs and things.

Casual one time partners are the only kind of partners I can get, I do not have opportunities to get any other kind of partner.

But when I have sex the feelings are inferior to just masturbating on my own, so it just feels like a waste of time.

[Heather]

limmy, before we talk with you any more in our direct services, we need to rectify the issue of you having more than one account/identity here, which is made clear to be outside the user guidelines in the board and direct service registration agreement and policies. I'll message you later today about that.

However, with this conversation and where it's gone, as well as what is in your other history here separate from this new account, I feel strongly that the very best way for you to go with a lot of this is to work with a therapist. I think the larger scope here and the history of this kind of distress and struggle makes clear that we're simply going to lack the kind of help you likely need to benefit and resolve or change much of all this.

Whether you want to work with (and have access to) a sex therapist or a more general therapist is going to be up to you: I think either could serve you well so long as anyone you worked with had some history and experience working with patients struggling socially, and having troubles working with lived realities because they are not meeting high expectations created in/by imagination or fantasy (in this case, sexual fantasy) media. I'd say the choice between a general therapist and a sex therapist, again, presuming you have access to both to choose between them, is about if all of this has felt like it's only about sexuality and sex for you, or if it's felt bigger than that, more about the whole of your life and self.

[limmy]

So I can't find a way to reply to your message, but in response to it I'd like to stick with this account.

I do see general therapists, I've seen a few different ones over the years and they help me with unrelated issues although I've spoken to them about these problems and they haven't been much help. As for a sex therapist, I don't have access to one. Also, are you sure that my expectations are high? My expectations are also built upon the real life sex lives of people I know in real life or who talk about their sex lives and experiences online too. Is it too high an expectation to want to have what others have and not be broken?