All I wanted..

[Dandelion]

All I wanted was counselling. It's no secret that I need it really bad. I've received it before because it was mandatory by the court. But only for 12 weeks. And it wasn't enough. The court had arranged a low pay setting so my mom could afford it.

But after week 12 the prices spiked. However my mom took me back one more time. That was a new therapist and she told me basically for us to keep talking she wanted me to report. But I can't. I dont even know names. But she wouldn't listen. Anyway the prices were also a con. So I haven't been back. That was August.


So I've chatted in the crisis chat many times. And I got advice last week. But it didn't smooth over well. Not with my parents.


So I wasn't giving up. I went to my counselor and vented. She told me she couldn't help me but we had a school psychologist. All my mom has to do is sign a form of consent. And its free.

But she said she'll only do it if what happened last year wouldn't happen. Which was CPS being called. And I just said ok. So I went to my counselor and told her.

She said she couldn't make me any promises. If they become concern then CPS would be called but she wouldn't want that to defer my call out for help.

It does though. I need a no. If CPS were to get called again. My parents would lose it. Its all about image for them.

Im so incredibly sad.

All I want it help. Is that so bad?

I'll probably have to wait until I'm 18 to get help. So theres no reporting.

[Ashleah]

Hi Dandelion,

I'm so sorry you have had such a difficult time getting help, especially that your parents have created a barrier for you. I know you aren't feeling comfortable with the school psychologist but it still might be a good option. If you get signed up, you don't have to commit to seeing the psychologist multiple times. During your first meeting you can discuss your concerns and see if you feel comfortable continuing to see them.

Have you asked the crisis lines about no or low cost counseling programs for teens? The school psychologist might also be a good person to connect you with the best resources.

I know you've talked to our other team members about self care. With all this going on, I'm assuming this has been difficult to concentrate on. Have you had the chance to give it any attention?

[Dandelion]

If you really think its worth a shot then I'll the school psychologist.


No between stressing getting help/ support and school I have done absolutely no self care. Ive been eating more than usual and drinking water. Hygiene has been good too. But as far as like taking a break and breathing. No. And sleep has been a no too.

[Mo]

Oof, the issue with CPS is tough. In a lot of areas, people are mandated by law to report issues to CPS if they're aware of them, so I understand why the counselor can't promise not to contact them. But I wonder if you can talk to the counselor about your situation - that you're running out of resources to turn to for support and really need her to be in your corner as much as possible - and work something out. That might even be that you agree not to talk about certain things so she doesn't hear them directly and have a legal obligation to do anything about it. I realize that this might be risky, but I think it may be worth it to try one more time to see if this is a place you can get help, since it seems like there just aren't a lot of options for you right now.

[Dandelion]

It all just sucks. I have to hold things in or deal with them alone just not to have to be investigated. Its like as soon as the word abuse is in the air so is the police.
I wish I never told anyone. I should've just kept it too myself.

[Heather]

You know, we've talked in the past about getting you counseling specifically for survivors of abuse with organizations that are designed to serve survivors. Those kinds of services tend to go a bit differently than these others have. Can I ask if you ever followed up with any of that?

I'm sorry that you're feeling like you wish you never told anyone. However, what I'd say about that is that I think it can be easy to assume that outcomes would be very different if we didn't do -- or did do -- something, when, if fact, they might not be, or they may be other downsides to those different choices one choice hasn't had. For instance, not having the kind of protection from someone dangerous you have now could obviously have had its own unwanted outcomes that also left you feeling bad.

But really, this ship has sailed, you know? You did tell, and you can't unring a bell. I don't see, from where I'm sitting, and the interactions we have had, that that was a poor choice on your part, even though I understand that having others involved in the truth of your abuse, and sometimes in ways that are not supportive or leave you feeling good, can be hard to live with in some ways. I also think that the way your mother has been speaks to what has probably been a constant dynamic in your life that probably played a part in setting you up to be as vulnerable to abuse as you are in the first place, and that dynamic was probably there before you reported, and would probably be impacting you deeply no matter what.

It seems to me that the place to go from here is to see what can be done to adjust HOW people are interacting with you and, as we've talked about before, to get people involved who are expressly advocates for victims -- for you, not for police or your whole family, like CPS -- into the mix. Would you be open to me going back and gathering those local resources for you again so you could pursue them? (If so, I just need you to remind me of your zip code again: I only have it way back in the chat archives from last summer.)