Sex with my disabled boyfriend

[Eluard]

Hello everybody !

I have a question about sexuality and disability. Indeed, I've been in a relationship with a young man (he's 19, I'm 18) for a few weeks now, and I'm asking myself a lot of questions about how to be sexual with him. He's paralyzed from waist to toe (which also means that he doesn't feel anything in these body parts), is physically very weak, and his back can't bend. We love each other deeply, but I can't help but feeling scared, since I always had some quite consequent sexual urges.
Which is why, I was wondering what, in your opinion, could be physically possible between us ? We are both quite shy, and I'm his first girlfriend, so I don't want to make him uncomfortable or uneasy by asking him some too direct questions. I saw a few testimonies on the Internet, but they are usually very vague. Would you perhaps have some concrete advice ?
Thanks a lot for reading this, I hope you will be able to answer my questions
(By the way, I posted this in the "Between you and the Scarleteam" category, but if any user has experienced this situation, please don't hesitate to send me a private message )

[Sam W]

Hi Eluard,

I think a starting point would be for the two of you to talk about what is and is not on the table if you decide to be sexual with each other. Really, you'd do this the same way you'd do it with any other partner when you were first starting out, just with some specific factors to consider around mobility. These two pieces can help you out with that: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

We also have this piece that was written by two partners who are each coping with their own disability, about how they manage a sexual relationship with each other: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... rs_in_pain

[Heather]

I'd also suggest you two pick up a great general guide called, "The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability," by Cory Silverberg and Miriam Kaufman. It's very all-encompassing, so is a great general guide full of good starts for just thinking about all of this and getting started talking about it all together and constructing a sexual life as a couple when one person in that couple has disability.

I want to also tell you that there really still is a world of possibility sexually even through your boyfriend has the disability he does. By all means, so much of most, if not all, broad cultural constructions of sex and sexuality, and representations of both in media, are ableist: they rely on people being able-bodies and without disability. But that really stands counter to reality: by the time most people have lived through a lifetime, more will have had or developed, and thus, lived with -- including sexually -- disability than those without. And some of the ableism so ever-present in all these constructions really limits EVERYONE. For example, the presentation of sex as only genital, or as having to be genital or it's not sex, or as being all about intercourse, plays a part in a lot of people having sexual lives that, IMO, really are a fraction of as rich and interesting as they could be. So, in some ways, disability in the mix can actually do a really positive thing sometimes, which is to kind of "force" people to have to think more creatively about sex, which is pretty much always to everyone's benefit.

For more on that, check this out: Disability Dharma: What Including & Learning From Disability Can Teach (Everyone) About Sex.

When you say:

We love each other deeply, but I can't help but feeling scared, since I always had some quite consequent sexual urges.

...I'm curious if you have a sense of what, exactly, it is you feel scared of. Are you scared that the fact that you have sexual desires (and chances are he has them, too!) but that he has disability means that there won't be outlets or places for those desires? or that he doesn't have them? Or that if there are things you want to do that he can't, or that he can't in the way you're imagining they "should" be done, you're going to feel unsatisfied, or he's going to feel bad? If you could think on that and talk a little more about what it is you feel scared of, we could probably help you better with those things.

Can I also ask how he feels about his healthcare providers, and if he feels like any of them are providers he feels comfortable talking with about sex and sexuality? For him -- and secondarily, for you -- a healthcare provider educated both about his disability and sexuality who he can talk with candidly, and who can help him with working out adaptations, and what he CAN do will be of real benefit. If he doesn't have someone like that yet, he should know that's certainly healthcare help he can ask for if he wants it.

[Eluard]

Hi Saw W and Heather !

Thanks a lot for your answers. I find them very reassuring, as well as these articles.
To answer your question, Heather, it's actually a mix of every question you raised. I'm also afraid of the fact that he's very innocent, and that I might shock him. And also, I'm afraid of being frustrated, since he can't do a lot of things.
But I must admit I feel thrilled and happy at the idea that we can have a sex-life, and that we have a lot of things to learn et discover about each other.
I don't think we have anyone to talk to. Eventually we could talk to a sexologist, but maybe we won't need to go to that point
Thanks again !

[Heather]

Okay, so some of these fears AREN'T about his disability, and some of them are. Are there any of those fears you'd like to talk more about?

Sexologists are people who study sex, basically, AKA, researchers: that's not usually the term someone in a helping profession with sex uses to describe themselves. But if he has healthcare providers for his disability, he can likely talk to at least one of them about sex and sexuality. This is something that does come into play for the vast, vast majority of people with disability, so if his healthcare providers can't provide that kind of consultation or help, they should be able to refer him to someone who can.