What do I do when the guy's teenage love comes back?

[M_O]

I'm currently seeing a guy who is 8 years older than me, and he has been encouraging me to go out and see other men recently (We are still not exclusive after 4 months). Then I found out that the girl he had a crash on when 13/14 years old is finally having a opening relationships, and she is familiar with her family. He wants to try since there's never a chance for him to do that in the last 15 years, and he starts getting negative about us having a slight chance being together because I'm in this country for school and can easily go back. Everything was totally working until mid this month and now he had one phone call with this girl and everything is changing. He promised to talk about it but I haven't heard from him in 2 days.

I started out not very into him and now really want to make things work and want to be official with him. I don't know whether I should reach out first and share these feelings with him because I'm afraid that I would push him away by doing that.

What should I do??

[Sam W]

Hi M_O

I think you can reach out once, to see what reaction you get back, as that may help you answer some of your questions about where the two of you stand. However, from what you're describing, it sounds like one of two things is likely to happen. One is that he will decide that he wants to explore an exclusive relationship with this other partner. The other is that he will keep the relationship open with you, but not be exclusive with you, which sounds like not what you're wanting right now. So, it might be sound to take some time to think about what you do and do not want from a relationship (any one, not just with this guy), so that if he does offer a scenario, you'll know whether or not it's something you're okay with. Would you like some resources on how to do that?

[M_O]

Hi M_O

I think you can reach out once, to see what reaction you get back, as that may help you answer some of your questions about where the two of you stand. However, from what you're describing, it sounds like one of two things is likely to happen. One is that he will decide that he wants to explore an exclusive relationship with this other partner. The other is that he will keep the relationship open with you, but not be exclusive with you, which sounds like not what you're wanting right now. So, it might be sound to take some time to think about what you do and do not want from a relationship (any one, not just with this guy), so that if he does offer a scenario, you'll know whether or not it's something you're okay with. Would you like some resources on how to do that?

Hi Sam,
Thanks for replying me back!

The other choice which "is that he will keep the relationship open with you, but not be exclusive with you" is more likely to happen base on my assumption, and that's what I'm afraid of because I know there's a great chance that I'm gonna say yes and being haunted by the thought that he will not text me because I'm more of a backup plan/someone who sleep over purely for physical cause. He expressed that this girl is also seeing multiple people and he doesn't know what his odds are but he has to try it out with her. He also told her that he's seeing me currently, and I guess she doesn't mind.

I do wanna reach out and share my true feelings but I'm scared of the chances of losing him all of a sudden. I know what I want from this relationship and what I want from him right now. I don't want him to be so negative towards the future (He knew how long I'm gonna be here for school when we started out as friends and I know that I'm not rebound relationship because his most recent one is about a year ago before we met), I wish that he could be more open and courageous of what's ahead but I just keep failing to build that faith in him or help him understand it.

There's so many questions that I wanna ask him but I'm afraid that I may ask the wrong one and everything just go in vain.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, M_O. Sorry you are feeling like this and I hope you don't mind if I give you my two cents.

Of course I'm not trying to convince you to do something you don't want to --and whatever you do is up to you!-- and I hope you know I understand you are in a tough spot. I hear you when you say that you are afraid of talking and sharing your feelings with this person but, IMO the only option you have if you don't is to stay the exactly the same, which you already voiced, won't make you feel good. I know it's hard, I really do, but sometimes what we want from someone is something that someone just can't give to us, but... wouldn't it be better to know? Even if the answer is the answer you don't want, don't you think that knowing you are invested in the kind of relationship you DO want would be better that knowing you are invested in the kind of relationship you don't want?

A relationship ending doesn't have to be a failure or something that was in "vain", you know? Sometimes --many times, actually-- when a relationship doesn't work it can teach us something valuable like learning what we do not want or what we really need, which is a very important thing to know. But it can be hard, I know.

[M_O]

Hello there, M_O. Sorry you are feeling like this and I hope you don't mind if I give you my two cents.

Of course I'm not trying to convince you to do something you don't want to --and whatever you do is up to you!-- and I hope you know I understand you are in a tough spot. I hear you when you say that you are afraid of talking and sharing your feelings with this person but, IMO the only option you have if you don't is to stay the exactly the same, which you already voiced, won't make you feel good. I know it's hard, I really do, but sometimes what we want from someone is something that someone just can't give to us, but... wouldn't it be better to know? Even if the answer is the answer you don't want, don't you think that knowing you are invested in the kind of relationship you DO want would be better that knowing you are invested in the kind of relationship you don't want?

A relationship ending doesn't have to be a failure or something that was in "vain", you know? Sometimes --many times, actually-- when a relationship doesn't work it can teach us something valuable like learning what we do not want or what we really need, which is a very important thing to know. But it can be hard, I know.

Thanks so much, Edith!

I know sooner or later I have to tell him all my feelings, and I know there's a large chance he will give me the answer that I don't want. But the thing that is really confusing me right now is if at the back of his head he knew this international relationship is not gonna work out, why trying so hard with me at the beginning? (He was still really sweet to me just this past new year, and keep on telling me how special I am, how different I am with all the other girls he's ever met, and I have that mysterious vibe that he wants to know more)

And now things just go south ways all of a sudden! I'm not complaining, I just don't understand why he still choose to make the move knowing my situation?

[Heather]

I think that sometimes we -- as people -- can get so hung up on trying to understand why someone is doing something that isn't working for us, that we wind up getting distracted from what we have to do regardless, which is making our own decisions and choices based on what is happening, not WHY something may be happening.

In other words, whether or not you understand, now or later, the whys of his behaviour and wants, you have to decide what is or isn't okay for you, and then make some choices so you can take some action.

I'd suggest you try and let go of trying to understand, and instead focus on what is totally within your control and understanding, which is what you're going to do now for yourself.

What I'm hearing from everything you posted here sounds like someone who is basically kind of doing the minimum -- including saying some things you mentioned in your last response that, to me, anyway, sound like lines more than earnest statements, since his behaviour doesn't seem to match those statements -- to keep you around and waiting in the wings in case what he seems to really want (to be with this other person) doesn't work out. You seems to also be feeling that as well, and feeling the impact of that, which, of course, really sucks.

So, what do you want here? Do you want this kind of situation, where you may well be who someone settles for when they can't be with who they really want to be with? Are you okay with this? Or, do you want something -- and thus, someone -- different, for whom you ARE the first choice, and who doesn't leave you feeling like you have been?

[M_O]

I think that sometimes we -- as people -- can get so hung up on trying to understand why someone is doing something that isn't working for us, that we wind up getting distracted from what we have to do regardless, which is making our own decisions and choices based on what is happening, not WHY something may be happening.

In other words, whether or not you understand, now or later, the whys of his behaviour and wants, you have to decide what is or isn't okay for you, and then make some choices so you can take some action.

I'd suggest you try and let go of trying to understand, and instead focus on what is totally within your control and understanding, which is what you're going to do now for yourself.

What I'm hearing from everything you posted here sounds like someone who is basically kind of doing the minimum -- including saying some things you mentioned in your last response that, to me, anyway, sound like lines more than earnest statements, since his behaviour doesn't seem to match those statements -- to keep you around and waiting in the wings in case what he seems to really want (to be with this other person) doesn't work out. You seems to also be feeling that as well, and feeling the impact of that, which, of course, really sucks.

So, what do you want here? Do you want this kind of situation, where you may well be who someone settles for when they can't be with who they really want to be with? Are you okay with this? Or, do you want something -- and thus, someone -- different, for whom you ARE the first choice, and who doesn't leave you feeling like you have been?

Thanks Heather! You guys have been so supportive, responsive and helpful!

There's a couple of things I'm pretty clear about right to this point:
1) I do like him, I'm willing to make efforts to change things to create something special for us as long as he can do the same, and actually doing it.
2) The last thing I wish to become is keep on investing more feelings into him when I'm just someone waiting in the wing. I'm no back-up plan. (I wish to be the main partner in this open relationship as he is the main partner in my non-exclusive relationships with others, then again if he agrees to do so, how would I know he means his words? )
3) I definitely do not want to be stuck in this current situation say for more than a week. I need to clear things out with him and I need to calm myself down, give myself time to think.

The past couple of days, I've been leaning back from him (not calling/texting him even though I wanna make attempts, and the feeling sucks). I'm in no position of telling him not to try things out with this other person, but I guess only after comparison that he would really know who/what he wants. (I'd say the other person is a safe choice base on what I know about her as in social status, age, background...) If he cannot step out the comfort zone and have the audacity to take the risk of seeing how we become down the road, then there's nothing I could do. And I suppose whether I will be the first choice, is for him to figure out right?

[Heather]

You're welcome.

One thing missing for me here is when you say this:

I'm in no position of telling him not to try things out with this other person, but I guess only after comparison that he would really know who/what he wants.

The thing is, you are in a position to ask for what you want and have limits with that, if you have them. In other words, if what YOU want -- just you, for yourself -- is an exclusive relationship with this guy or anyone, for that matter, you get to say you want that and let the other person know that if that isn't what they want, then you two obviously should just part ways or shift to a different kind of relationship, like a friendship, that doesn't have to be exclusive.

OR, if YOU want something that isn't exclusive, you get to ask for that the very same way.

I hear that sounds, to me, like you only looking at what you might want within the limitations of what he wants. But you -- as in, all of us -- need to first start by getting clear on what you want, for yourself, without someone else's limitations. When you start with that, then it's a lot easier to evaluate a relationship, or a way of doing a relationship, with someone else and to get a sense of if what you want and what they want is really going to work for you or not, and if you're actually making what you want a real part of things or, instead, are just capitulating to someone else or letting them set all the parameters, which is never a good recipe for anything good.

Make sense?

[M_O]

You're welcome.

One thing missing for me here is when you say this:

I'm in no position of telling him not to try things out with this other person, but I guess only after comparison that he would really know who/what he wants.

The thing is, you are in a position to ask for what you want and have limits with that, if you have them. In other words, if what YOU want -- just you, for yourself -- is an exclusive relationship with this guy or anyone, for that matter, you get to say you want that and let the other person know that if that isn't what they want, then you two obviously should just part ways or shift to a different kind of relationship, like a friendship, that doesn't have to be exclusive.

OR, if YOU want something that isn't exclusive, you get to ask for that the very same way.

I hear that sounds, to me, like you only looking at what you might want within the limitations of what he wants. But you -- as in, all of us -- need to first start by getting clear on what you want, for yourself, without someone else's limitations. When you start with that, then it's a lot easier to evaluate a relationship, or a way of doing a relationship, with someone else and to get a sense of if what you want and what they want is really going to work for you or not, and if you're actually making what you want a real part of things or, instead, are just capitulating to someone else or letting them set all the parameters, which is never a good recipe for anything good.

Make sense?

You do have me see things clearer! Thanks so much!!

I know what I want right now. And I think if only I share my thoughts and feelings with him and hear his reactions to know whether I want to keep things going with him.

I haven't make any contacts with for the past few days, and he reached out yesterday telling me about his day and asking me what I'm doing. I think leaning back from him is creating this space for me to come to more sense when thinking about us, and I hope he would do the same (if not, then it's clear I won't continue with him). I'm waiting for him to take initiative to talk to me instead of avoiding the problem, but if after a certain time he still doesn't, then I'll reach out to him, and when that happens, I'm officially done with him.

Let me know your guys' suggestions and support, and I'll definitely keep you guys posted!

[Onionpie]

Hi, M_O! It sounds like taking some time and space to evaluate how you're feeling and what you're looking for in a relationship has been really beneficial for you. It seems like you're getting a really good idea of what it is you're looking for, and that's awesome! It's really important to recognise our own needs in a relationship, and to treat them with as much validity and weight as we give the other person's needs. So it's truly great that you're starting to figure out what yours are and acknowledge their importance

As heather said, you absolutely DO get to ask for what you're looking for, and you get to walk away from a situation that isn't going to make you feel good. And like Edith said, the downside to not speaking up about what it is you're looking for is to remain stuck in a situation you're not happy with, and that just isn't a good place to be. If you're feeling shaky about asserting your needs, I wrote a piece for the main site that I think you might find helpful:

Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

I hope you find it useful, and I wish you luck in your conversation! It will be hard, but it'll be worth it, you can do it! You've got this I'll be cheering you on!

[M_O]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the suggestions earlier! So the guy reached out after me not contacting him for a week. He said that he still wants to hang out and didn't mean to push me away completely. We had the talk just yesterday, and I'm still trying to take in and process everything.

So apparently he does not want a relationship right now, and with his roommate moving out after a year he doesn't know where he's gonna be. He said that he has a pretty good idea of who I am after knowing me for four months (which I know there's so much about me that he yet hasn't explore), and he can't have a relationship with me yet until I'm gonna be settling down in US. He is tired of the city, and everywhere he goes reminds him of how much he is done with the city, and his perfect date is pretty much be home, have drinks, watch something and have sex.

That "teenage love" did not go in the process or the speed as he hoped, he doesn't know what he want, and he feels that if two people are truly for each other there shouldn't be much efforts to make (whereas I believe even perfect couples need to continue making efforts to stay in a relationship).

We agreed to be friends with benefits, because we are extremely attracted to each other physically, and me personally still can't let him go completely. I feel like I do need him physically, to have a company when I need to since I'm new to this country and can be pretty lonely from time to time. I also know that I need to control myself not to invest more feelings before he starts invest more. My thinking right now is that I lean back to him, create space, and give it time...

I'm not sure if I've made the right decision, I mean do I still share my feelings or ask him about us after a certain time, or I just go with the flow which I know the feelings is so gonna be suck. Or maybe after a while, things just get old, and I become numb of our relationship?

Need your kind suggestions once again! Where do I go from here?

[Heather]

It seems to me where you go from here is to live with the agreements and decisions about this you have made, and just see how they wind up feeling, then make any changes or adjustments from there.