How can I help him feel more relaxed about sex?

[amberheart]

Hi Scarleteen
I'm 19 and I've met a new guy who's in his early twenties. We've been seeing each other for a couple of months and last Friday he stayed the night with me. I was expecting to have sex but he got really nervous and I told him we didn't have to. Later on he admitted that he hadn't done anything sexual before, and he was really worried about telling me that, and about doing things "right". I assured him that I wasn't put off at all, that we could take everything at his pace, and getting things "wrong" isn't all that bad, that I'd help him learn.
That seemed to help him but of course he's still really nervous about sex. What can I do to help make it a less nerve-wracking experience for him? I don't want him to feel intimidated or feel any pressure to do anything before he's ready, I want to make sure that he's happy and everything goes at his pace, and he feels comfortable doing these new things.
Thanks in advance!

[Sam W]

Hi amberheart,

The good news is that you're already doing most of what I'd suggest. That is, being no-pressure about this and communicating with him. At a certain point, it falls to him to decide how to maybe unlearn some of the messages he's internalized about being a guy who is sexually inexperienced. Depending on how deep those messages go, that could take some time. Do you think it would help to give him some pieces from our site about why there's nothing weird about being inexperienced?

[amberheart]

Thanks Sam
I did think about sending him some links to the site. I mentioned that I use it in the hopes that he might ask for it earlier.
Thanks again for the reply!
-Amber

[Redskies]

It might also help to approach things from a different angle: to focus on the things that you both enjoy and have fun doing together. If he's feeling nervous or worried, that's a cue he likely needs a slower pace at the moment, so you both might do well with exploring ways of being close, intimate or physical with each other that you both only feel really good about, and putting anything else on the back-burner unless and until they too feel positive and relaxed for you both. What you both feel good about will be very individual, but possibilities might be kissing, snuggling, sleeping in the same bed, massage, trying new foods or experiences together... I think Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots speaks to this very well.

Being a good partner is less about getting things "right" or "wrong", and is a lot more to do with communicating with a partner, caring about how they feel and that they're having a good time, having some openness to learning what that particular person likes and what you like with that person, and having some ability to laugh at the slight absurdity and goofiness that sex can be For someone who hasn't already experienced those things for themself, it can be too easy to get tangled up in the "how-to" type manuals that are around so much of popular culture, and believe from those that there even are automatic right and wrong things to do with sex, when there's really not. So, you'd probably both benefit from a bit of a re-frame away from "right/wrong" and more towards those other things. After all, any new partner you had would be learning what you, particularly, like and don't like, and you'd be learning that about them, too - this isn't any different for him because he hasn't had previous partners, because he still wouldn't already know what you like. He'd only know what those alternative-universe-partners liked, and really, human sexuality is so diverse that that knowledge gives people a hell of a lot less information about what anyone else will like than most people think!

What he hasn't experienced yet is much about what he might like in sexual relationships with others, and how he feels or responds to different relationship-y things, so that's something he might want or need more time or a slower pace to discover and figure out for himself.