what is he thinking

[helpneeded]

So I've found myself in a kinda of sticky situation. There is this guy at work that I've been watching for a couple of weeks. I'd seen him around on several different occasions but never said anything to him, I just kept thinking to myself that he's cute. One day out of the blue we get to talking and he asks me out on a date. I didn't expect this because I had no idea that he had been checking me out to. Anyway we have dinner and hang out at his place afterwards, nothing serious happened; we establish that I've never been a relationship or kissed anyone before. He asked to kiss me and I declined telling him that i don't know him like that. The next day we hang out at his place again, nothing happens, he tries to kiss me again, I say no. The next day we txt getting to know each other more, he tells me that he's willing to be patient with me, asking me if I'm opposed to being in a relationship with someone, I say I'm not. He tells me he likes me and the conversation gets more in depth, he asks me if I'm celibate and I honestly tell him I am. He tells me that he doesn't think that changes how he feels about anything. The next day at work we chat for about 2 mins and txt briefly at night. The next day is the last day before break and there is no communication and there hasn't been any communication for the past week except him liking a picture of mine of Facebook that I posted while I was on vacation. At this point I'm just super confused. I wish I could tell what he's thinking or if he's still interested. We are still on break and I have no idea what's gonna happen when we get back to work next week.

[Heather]

Have you tried to communicate with him? In other words, is there no communication from him since OR you, or have you reached out since and gotten total radio silence from him?

[helpneeded]

I haven't reached out either mainly because I initiated the texting that evening after we chatted at work for a bit. I don't want to say anything in fear of me coming off as desperate. Also i feel as if he still likes me like he claimed initially then he should be interested in how I have been doing.

[Sam W]

Hi helpneeded,

I understand the not wanting to seem desperate, and the hope that he will reach out first. But, I think a way to get an answer to what your wondering is to reach out one more time and see what happens. You may get total silence, you may get an actual response, but either way you'll have more information than you would if you kept waiting for him to contact you.

[Heather]

I would also check yourself with saying he'd reach out if he was interested, because here you are, interested, but you haven't done so with him.

So, as you know, someone can be interested and not reach out for a bunch of reasons, including that, like you, they are worried about rejection or how the other person may perceive their contact. Who knows how he is or isn't feeling, but if no one makes a move, no one will ever know! Since you clearly want to be in contact with him, it seems to me there's no reason not to reach out.

And if you feel, at any time, in anything, like something is more one-way than you'd like, then that's always something you can bring up and ask to talk about.

[helpneeded]

so we are back at work now. And for the past two days its been a very dry Hi, how are you sort of greeting in passing. I didn't have the courage to text him so I just let it rock. Now that we are back, still no text from him either. At this point I can tell it's over because I can't phantom why he'd cut communication. It just sucks because I really want to know what happened or why we are in the position we are in now. I don't want to say anything to him at work because I don't want to seem like I'm bring our personal issues there; bad enough that I already shat where I eat. It even almost kind of just feels like he's avoiding me and it's just really confusing because I was able to give him the benefit of the doubt and believed that he was a good guy and meant the things he said. To me it's like if me being celibate is an issue for you why can't you be honest and say it. It just seems so disrespectfully to me to not say anything to me and pretend like nothing ever happened between us even if it was extremely short-lived. I just don't know what I should do this point and the situation is weight heavy on me. I just need some sort of closure, I hate going through life not knowing why people did what they did.It's happened one to many times to me and I'm seriously beginning to shut down. I know it's seems crazy that I'm this bothered but I am.

[Sam W]

Hi helpneeded,

It sounds like you've gotten your answer from how he is behaving. It's a bummer that he seems to not want to talk anymore but, whatever the reason, it sounds like you two may not have been a good match. Can I ask what you mean by hoping to get closure around this?

One of the harder things in life is realizing that people will do things we don't understand the motives for, or do things and never give a reason. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us, but it can certainly be frustrating.

[helpneeded]

Like part of me is maybe hoping that there is another reason besides the celibate thing; maybe miscommunication or maybe he's afraid that I'll reject him or something. What ever the reason maybe I just want to know so that I can shut down whatever part of me is thinking that there may be another explanation for his silence. As of right now all I'm doing is playing the guessing game and I feel like I'd be able to get over this hump if I know for certain that there is zero percent chance for us. It doesn't help that he liked the recent pictures I posted over the break because that's one of the main reasons I feel like it could be something else.

[Heather]

Well, you can certainly ask for a brief talk with him and ask him.

But I will say, too, just as a thing to know moving forward into dating, that IME, often enough, a date or two won't go anywhere further, and people will just kind of drop it off without saying a whole lot, because it's only been a date or two, not a long-term or deeper relationship of some kind. (This is also why dating at a workplace, not always the best idea!)

So, it can be helpful to make sure, when we're dating, that we're not getting ourselves invested fast or right from the start, but instead, really taking a lot more time to go gradually, including when it comes to where we put our hopes and our hearts. We don't want to get super-attached or invested right from the front, because the first few dates -- and if it goes further than that, really, the first few weeks and months -- really are just a "getting to know you and feel this out" period, where people are hanging out to SEE if they want to get invested or pursue anything else, rather than being al-in from the front. Does that make sense? It takes practice, of course, for a lot of people to have that kind of non-attachment with dating, so it's not like anyone who is relatively new to dating and doesn't have it is full of fail in some way, just probably without that practice, or not in the right headspace to have the kind of non-attachment we're going to need for dating to be something besides stressful in all its usual starts, stops and world-of-perpetual-maybe.

[helpneeded]

Thank you guys. And you are completely right Heather and I guess there is a first time for everything. I have a list of mistakes I know that I made and while I feel embarrassed that I've made them because I'm usually a more cautious person I know I'm human. I did decide to dive head first into this and that probably wasn't the best idea but I'll be moving forward asking no questions and accept it for what it is. Me, never have been in a relationship before, got super ahead of myself because I was ready to experience it; I'd been waiting forever for it. I can't say that sometimes I won't get down because I know I will but internally I think I've finally swallowed thus hard pill.

[Heather]

I get feeling embarrassed, and while I also know that someone saying to us, "You don't have anything to be embarrassed about," doesn't magic those feelings away, I really don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about here. It always needs to be okay for any of us, and everyone else, to be new at things and without practice, and to go through the process of gaining experience and practice. None of us should be expected to be amazing at anything right out of the gate, especially something as complex as interpersonal relationships!

(Mind, it sounds like this guy needs some more practice too, btw. Because I'm with you that it just isn't that hard, if we've had a couple dates with someone, but, for whatever reason, just aren't feeling like we want to have more, to just tell that person we're sorry, but more dates just aren't for us, and we wish them well, etc.)

You know, I'm also someone who personally thinks that going ahead and going all-in because we're just feeling that wave, and winding up with some heartbreak isn't a bad thing, but part of just living and experiencing life. We'll all survive heartbreak, especially small ones like this, after all, and I think we're usually all the richer for it, in a whole bunch of ways. Always being super-cautious doesn't tend to me the way to live a life that feels like we've actually lived it!

So, no harm, no foul with any of this, if you're asking me: just figuring out how you want to go about dating moving forward based on what you've learned here about yourself, what you want, and how much of a rollercoaster you feel up to riding, especially with things, like initially dating someone, that maybe aren't a big enough place for big feelings, if you follow me.

[helpneeded]

So I'm back again. It's been a couple of days since my last post but I keep going through this cycle where I'm over the situation then I'm not. I've tried to talk to my sister and close friends about it and while they have all been very helpful I hate bombarding them with my issues. Even though they don't say it I know they are tired of hearing me talk about it, I myself am tired of talking about it, crying about it and losing sleep about it. But I'm just super hurt and I don't even know why. I wake up some days feeling like I can move on telling my self it's just a phase but then I get to work and half way through the day I'm back at square one. This is one of the worse situation I've been in when it comes to guys and the most hurt I've ever been by one. I'm ready to get over it but sometimes I feel like calling in sick to work and I know I can't. I have responsibilities that I have to face everyday which is why I need the healing process to speed up. It doesn't help that he keeps liking pictures of me on FB or see him at work everyday so I keep trying to analyze the situation; never being able to fully let it go. It's also somewhat made me feel insecure because now I feel like I will always be an emotional liability to guys. I feel like just taking a week to myself to lay in bed but I cannot and it sucks so much. I just want to have a conversation with him but I know I can't because I want to keep my pride and dignity in tact. Everything I see reminds me of him and it's making me feel crazy. Ughh I don't know what to do to block these feelings and thoughts

[Onionpie]

Hi, helpneeded! I hope you don't mind me giving my two cents here. I think what can be hard to wrap our heads around in situations like these is WHY are we feeling so BAD and not being able to let go of something that was so extremely short-lived, and hadn't actually become a relationship at all yet? And then we feel like we should be over it so we try to force ourselves to stop thinking about it, but that never really works.

Do you think that maybe the reason you're finding it so hard to let go of this one is because you had been so hopeful about where this might have gone? That you were feeling really ready for a relationship, you were kind of mentally prepping for that already, and then when it didn't happen, it felt like a balloon deflating? Sometimes we can understandably get ahead of ourselves and start projecting a relationship that hasn't actually happened yet. Instead of feeling silly for having done that, or for not being able to move past a short non-relationship, what do you think about maybe sitting with yourself for some time and accepting that you had set your hopes high for this one, you were excited about a potential relationship, and that's okay? That maybe you're not really in mourning over what actually existed, but about the potential that you had been really excited about? Does that make sense to you? Do you feel like it's accurate to say maybe you're kind of mourning a little bit over a relationship you imagined could have happened, rather than the actual situation? Let me know if I'm totally off with this, of course

I also want to suggest something based on your last sentence there -- you said you don't know what to do to block the feelings and thoughts. But, have you given yourself time to just accept how you're feeling about this, and let yourself be sad? You can't block a feeling from happening, and you can't force yourself to stop feeling something when you're still feeling it, so sometimes it can be helpful to just let ourselves be sad for a bit. Sometimes, if you give yourself time to be sad, then that helps you put it aside and get on with doing other things -- so you don't just let yourself be sad forever and ever and ever, you let yourself face the feelings you're having, you let yourself feel them, and then you get through them and carry on! Do you feel like you've given yourself the space to just feel how you are feeling around this, or do you think you've been trying to block those feelings? Do you think that might be playing a part in why you're not moving past this the way you'd expect?

[helpneeded]

Hello,

All the things you mentioned are true, I know that I'm mourning the lost of what could've been rather than what was and I have honestly tried so many times to process the feelings but no avail. I accepted that I feel a certain way but I don't have the luxury to feel them because I have to go to work everyday and put on a strong front then I go home and break down it's just a lot to swallow. I need to move on for the sake of being 100% at work. I can't get the space I need to feel what I'm feeling because I'm around people everyday of the week then have to smile even when I don't want to. My sister thinks that I may have deeper rooted issues that could be magnifying my feelings in regards to this but I've tried to dig deep but keep coming up short.

[Sam W]

Hi helpneeded,

One possible strategy is, when you get home, to give yourself a set amount of time to just sit and feel whatever sad or frustrated feelings you have. If you feel like it would help, you could even start a journal to go with that time so you're getting your feelings out on paper. Once that time is up, you move on to something else, either something you enjoy (reading a book, cooking, Netflix, etc) or something that maybe needs to be done (like cleaning part of the house). As the weeks go on, try giving yourself less and less time for the grieving portion. This might help you feel less like your sadness is taking over your life, and also might help you train yourself into how to transition from "feeling sad" to "doing stuff" gently.

It sounds like your sister is suggesting therapy. Is that something you'd be open to or feel would be helpful?

[helpneeded]

I kinda of already do all those things and it definitely helps. The only time I feel hopeless is when I feel like I'm back at square one. But something happened at work today where I felt like he completely didn't acknowledge my presence and this really got me upset because to me it made me feel like did I do something that offended you, like if anything I should be the one doing the avoiding. So I sucked it up and sent him a text asking if everything was good and stated that I just want to make sure because I don't want any awkwardness between us at work. He then responded saying that some stuff like yah, that works been hectic and that he also felt that he's was coming on too strong so he wanted to dial it back a bit so that he didn't weird me out. I just can't see how one relates with the other honestly like how does that stop you from saying hi when you see me at work, I feel like that's just common curtsy.

[Sam W]

Hi helpneeded,

Good to hear those approaches have been helping. It does sound awkward to have a co-worker be ignoring you (and, depending on the context, that can also be unprofessional). But, it does sound like part of this is him experiencing his own awkwardness around how he wants to communicate with you. So at this point, the ball is in his court, and you can keep interacting with him the way you would with your other coworkers (polite and friendly).