Talking someone out of sex?

[Volleygirl22]

I have a younger sister (14). She's talking about having sex with her boyfriend. Obviously, I know I don't have the final say in what she does, since it's her life. But in my opinion, I don't think she's mature enough to handle it, and anything that could happen because of it. I thought about sex a lot when I was her age too, but I waited. I can't really come up with a reason why, I just did. What could I say to her that would really make her at least think about it? I don't really trust that her boyfriend will stick around once he gets sex from her, but I don't want to come across as harsh by saying that outright. I just don't want her to rush into something without thinking about it, and then regretting it after.

[Ashleah]

Hi Volleygirl,

I certainly understand being concerned about someone that you care about! But I think you have it right when you say you don't have the final say. I think it is important that you remember just because you waited and that was the right decision for you, does not mean that is the best decision for your sister or the one that she should make. I would definitely avoid trying to tell her what to do. When has that ever worked anyway? lol. That usually just leads to the person feeling uncomfortable and shutting down.

Instead of trying to stop her from thinking about having sex, how about just opening it up so you all can just have a conversation? More about how she is feeling...scared, concerned, does she feel like there is anything she needs or doesn't know? etc. Seems like this is something that you all have already started to talk about. Since you care about your sister, I think you would want her to be comfortable and taking precautions to protect herself regardless of the decision she makes, so I would advise you to share resources like our website! That doesn't mean you are encouraging her to have sex, but instead that you are respecting whatever decision she makes and supporting her as she tries to figure this out for herself. But if you don't think you can have a conversation without being judge-y or telling her what to do you might just want to leave it alone. You probably don't want her feeling like she can't talk to you about this or any other thing.

Think that is something that could work?

[Redskies]

One extra thing to what Ashleah said: for specific resources from our site, you might share Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist with your sister.

[Kaizen]

I'd like to chime in that I think this

I don't really trust that her boyfriend will stick around once he gets sex from her,

is something you can address with her, but again, you should make it clear that she gets to make her own decisions. You'll also want to stick to the stuff he has actually said/done that has concerned you, rather than speculating about what he might do in the future.

Something more like, "I remember before you were dating Joe, you said that he dated Abby for awhile and then ended it super abruptly, and you didn't like how he acted about it. Just wondering what changed your mind about him." Or "I've noticed every time Joe comes over you just go into your room and stay in there the entire time. If you're happy with how the two of you hang out, great; I just wanted to make sure you know that if you aren't happy and want to do different things, you get to ask for that."

[Heather]

I think this is your key sentence:

I just don't want her to rush into something without thinking about it, and then regretting it after.

In other words, it's actually not respectful, and not in line with helping someone learn to make their own best sexual decisions to "talk them out of" sex. Instead, for those of us who want to be helpful with anyone around this, how we can help is to be supportive, be available to talk, and do what we can to help someone learn sound decision-making, period, which, with the big stuff, includes taking time, as you said.

So, that checklist Redskies linked you to is something that can help someone with that, as one way to start. You can share it, and then make clear that you'r available if she wants to talk with you about any of this, including that checklist and anything on it.

But I do also want to add that your concern her boyfriend may not stick around: is that based on what SHE wants, or what you want? In other words, has she told you that it matters to her that a sexual partner sticks around? It might...but it also might not. Just like sometimes guys don't want more than that, sometimes girls don't, either. So, I'd be sure that with things like this, you're really basing them on her as an individual, rather than on your own ideas of what's important to you or you feel are universally important to or wanted by everyone, you know?