Scarleteen

Hello,

I have been talking more with the person I talk about in my other thread. When we talked about what was happening between us, I said I really liked spending time with him and I wanted to keep doing that, and that I wasn't sure what my precise feelings are/what sort of relationship (friendship, romantic relationship, or I suppose we could just totally grow apart) I wanted now or would want in the future. He said seeing what happens sounds great to him, which feels pretty fantastic. I told him that my ex was abusive and he said he'd like to hear more about the relationship whenever I felt safe saying more. We haven't had another deep conversation yet, but now I'm trying to figure out what/how I feel comfortable sharing. Over the years I've told my friends a lot of the details (but definitely left out major details as well) but in those situations it's often felt a little like I'm processing the relationship with them. That felt okay in the context of friendships, but with this guy we're not dating, but it's not like we're 'just' friends, either. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of a romantic partner, or prospective romantic partner, being somebody I process this old relationship with. It feels like I should be over my ex before starting a new relationship (or friendship where it has been explicitly acknowledged that it might lead to a relationship). I am over my ex except that I still have ptsd. I don't want this guy to be my therapist but the fact is that if we do end up dating there are some things that he will have to know because romantic relationships have a lot of triggery components for me. Plus I want to share stuff with him, because part of how I figure out if I like people involves me figuring out if I can be honest around them, and will they try and take on my problems or let me solve them by myself, etc.

Additionally, I know this guy has at least one ex that he is still friends with. I don't know enough about her to really have an opinion but basically I think it's cool they're still friends. From what he has said, I think she was a relatively significant relationship for him, so how do I figure out if he is over her romantically or if he is processing that relationship by talking to me about her?

I have read the Hello, Sailor article here, but do you have other suggestions for reading material about what makes for healthy relationships, and how to figure out sharing vs. processing? Or if that's even a problem?

I have written these questions down for my therapist but it's always good to get more than one opinion on things.

Hi there Avocadolime,

I think it's ok if you'd rather not talk about the abuse situation with this guy. Some people like to have different boundaries with romantic partners (or potential ones) than with platonic friends, and some don't; either way is totally fine. If there are details you feel comfortable sharing, it sounds like he's open to hearing them, but it's ok to say "this is painful enough that I don't want to talk about it" or "it's something I like to keep pretty private" or something similar, too.
You do bring up a good point, though, that there are things like potential triggers that may be important to talk to him about in the future, if your relationship changes from where it is now. I think anything there you're comfortable sharing is going to be helpful, for both of you and for the relationship, so you can avoid situations where you might be triggered. And I don't see that at all as being like using someone as a therapist; that's just good communication skills.

It may be helpful to keep in mind that you don't necessarily need to frame that discussion in terms of abuse if you don't want to. Things like "I don't like being hugged by surprise from behind" or "I really enjoy [x] but I need to be the one to initiate it" are totally reasonable preferences to express in a relationship and when/if you're having basic conversations about preferences or boundaries (with this person or anyone else in the future) I think you can feel free to give whatever amount of related detail you want, including none if that's your preference. After all, your boundaries are going to be valid no matter what the reason for them is.

I do want to say that I don't think being over/no longer hung up on a relationship and processing something that happened in it have to be mutually exclusive. I've definitely found myself coming to a better understanding of things that happened in past relationships - sometimes in ways that really positively impacted my understanding of myself and how I react to different circumstances - when those relationships were not at the forefront of my mind in any way and I certainly didn't feel like I was still getting over the partner or relationship. So I think if your boyfriend is still processing/mulling over some things from his relationship with the ex he's friends with, that isn't necessarily a sign he's still interested in her, or is hung up on the relationship in an unhealthy way.
Obviously I don't know him or the situation! But if she's coming up in conversation in a way that feels normal to you and he's not mentioning her constantly, bringing up the same issue over and over again in a way that feels excessive, etc then that doesn't sound like a problem to me.