Extremely painful sex

[thenameissophie]

Hello everyone, first of all, thank you very much for reading this! I'm not even certain if that's the correct place to post this - sorry if it isn't. In the beginning, I'd just like to state that I mean absolutely no offence by this post and I'm deeply sorry for all the mistakes I made here. The reason for those is that English is not my native language.

I'm a 17-year-old girl and about two weeks ago I've lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Sadly, it wasn't a pleasant experience at all, in fact, it was a great deal worse than I expected. I swear that NOTHING has ever been eqaully painful to me! I felt as though I was ripped in half and I bleeded heavily during, and even as long as several days after, the intercourse. To be honest, I still feel a bit sore, in spite of the fact that almost two weeks passed. I realize that it's probably because this was my first time ever having sex.

My boyfriend keeps insisting that we should have sex again soon, but I'm really scared that the pain will be as excruciating as the other time I love him very much and I don't want to keep him waiting, though... And that's why I'd like to ask for some advice. Does sex eventually get easier after some time? I'm really not sure what to do, I'm really really really inexperienced in this area... I've been told that it gets better with practice - would I get used to it if we had sex often enough? Are there any other ways that I can use so that I can put up with having sex? Last time it was downright unbearable

Thank you in advance for any advice!

[Mo]

Hi Sophie, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm sorry your first experience with intercourse was so painful and unpleasant. We have some good articles about pain & sexual pleasure surrounding intercourse, which I think may be a good place to start:
Yield for Pleasure
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
As you'll see from that second article, a huge part of intercourse being pleasurable is to only have that kind of sex when you (not just your partner) are feeling relaxed, aroused, and specifically desiring that kind of sex. It's definitely important to take a break or stop altogether any time intercourse (or other kinds of sex!) are making you feel pain - especially as much pain as you're describing here. And to be clear, it's not uncommon for first-time intercourse to hurt, but it's much less common for it to be as painful and traumatic as your experience.

Also very important, though, is that your partner stop when you indicate you're in pain and not push you to have intercourse again when it was so horrible for you the first time. How was he reacting when you were experiencing pain? Did he ever offer to stop or check in with your pain level?
I have to admit that it worries me to hear that he's insisting you do this again. For one thing, if you DO want to have intercourse again with him it's a good idea to wait until you're no longer feeling pain. But even beyond that, it's really not healthy or caring to constantly insist or demand any kind of sex from a partner, especially when that partner had a bad experience in the past.

I encourage you to do some talking with him about all this before you decide to be sexual with him again, to make sure he is on board with only having sex that you both enjoy, and not pushing you for something else.
Here are some articles on communication and consent in relationships that can give you an idea of what you might want to say as you discuss this: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
It may even be that you'd feel most comfortable not having intercourse again for a while and focusing on kinds of sex that you both like. Sex should never be something you just "put up with" but should be something you and your partner are excited about and can enjoy.

I know that's a lot of reading to do, but hopefully it'll help.

(PS: your English is great and you posted this in the exact right place, so no worries!! )