Scarleteen

Hello, so I went on a date with a guy that I just met. I had a really great time, but when I got home it turned terrible. My mother was doing laundry so she asked for my shirt so she could throw it in the washer; I gave it to her but forgot I had a hickey on my left breast. I did not have sex with this guy, just made out with him and he gave me a hickey in a place no one would actually see. She flipped out, calling me easy and a slut. I just feel really insecure and upset; of all people that's the last thing you want to hear from your mother. Does anyone think my actions on a first date were slutty? (Btw I'm 18, how do I make her understand that it's my body and hickeys don't make you a slut?)

Hi ash4evah,

I'm sorry that your mom reacted the way she did. You're right that those are unpleasant things to hear from anyone, let alone a parent, and that she was out of line in saying them to you. You're also right that it's your body, and you get to do what you want with it when it comes to sex and intimacy. As you're already learning, "slut" is one of those words with a very flexible meaning, that people attach to a woman who does anything that they disapprove of, which is also an unpleasant phenomenon to be on the receiving end of.

When it comes to talking to your mom about this, I think the first step is to ask yourself: "what do I want from this conversation? And what do I really want to avoid?" That can give you a starting place for how to approach it and how to explain your feelings. Does that make sense?

It's a hickey, not like you got pregnant or anything. Personally, I wouldn't say it's slutty at all. (My current boyfriend and I slept together before we even started dating, so honestly a hickey is nothing). You're right that it's your body. Also, you're an adult. Obviously, to me, it sounds like your mom responded the wrong way, but at the same time it might just be because she's realizing that you're growing up and maybe she's not sure how to handle it. Does that give her an excuse to respond the way she did, not really. But just give her some time to cool down and maybe talk to her about it if you're comfortable enough about it? If not, that's perfectly fine too. Parents don't like accepting the fact that we're all growing up. I understand you're feeling upset, but try not to let insecurity get in the way. (I'm the queen of letting insecurity stop me from things. It's annoying). If you decide to talk to her about it, I'd take Sam's advice about what you want from the conversation and what you'd rather avoid. Good luck