Seeking advice

[opalesque]

Dear Scarleteam,

I'm writing to ask for help with something I've been struggling for a while. I am in my early twenties and am currently dating a wonderful guy who I've been with for 2.5 years. Almost two years ago, I realized for the first time that I was also attracted to women. Since then, I've been on a long, anxiety-ridden journey of trying to accept myself and come to terms with my sexual orientation and identity - it's still a work in progress. Last year, I told my boyfriend that I might be bisexual, and he was very supportive. I later also told a few (though not all) members of my family.

Though I thought identifying as bisexual would be enough to alleviate my anxiety, I've still been struggling. This is in part because I'm still, in some ways, questioning and getting to know my attractions. I have come to realize that I may be attracted to men and women in different ways. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and committed to one another. Since this relationship has become serious, I often feel anxious/confused/scared because I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality, and will therefore feel repressed or resentful in the future, if I stay in this relationship long-term. I'm admittedly very curious about being with a woman, especially since I suspect I might have a stronger sexual attraction toward them. At the same time, I don't want to lose the amazing relationship my boyfriend and I have worked so hard to build. We are best friends, and have a super supportive friendship and romantic relationship. He's well aware of my conflicted feelings, and has encouraged me to take time to figure things out at my own pace. We haven't seriously considered opening up the relationship or anything like that - I'm not sure that's something I'm ready for or interested in, although I'm not necessarily opposed to it either.

My anxiety over my own sexuality has become a fairly pervasive part of my day-to-day life (though some days are definitely better or worse than others) and I find myself avoiding women who I might find attractive because I'm scared of being attracted to them or developing a crush on them. I've come to realize that I see my bisexuality as a threat to my relationship because it means I have desires that may not be fulfilled in this current relationship, and this idea/feeling has caused me a lot of distress. I'd love some advice on how to deal with exploring one's changing or emerging sexuality within the context of a serious relationship. Thanks so much in advance for your help!

[Carmen]

Hi Opalesque,
Welcome to Scarleteen! I am glad you reached out to us - it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and wants and I am sorry they have been causing you so much stress lately. It sounds like you have been able to pretty successfully communicate with your partner your wants and feelings which is super awesome - do you think starting a more in depth conversation with him about more of the stuff you brought up here would be something you would want to do?
In terms of your relationship together, there are a lot of different ways to have a relationship with someone that can vary from each couple to the next. For example, if you feel like you want to explore your sexuality with women but want to stay in a relationship with your current partner, it might be worth discussing some sort of open relationship or ways you two could explore a new kind of sexuality together. Again that is just an example and relationships can take many forms: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models How do you think you might be able to alter your current relationship so that you are less stressed and might have the chance to explore your emerging sexuality changes?
Also, if you do want to think more about wanting to stay in the relationship all together or not, this article may be helpful as well: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
In the mean time, since it sounds like you have been so stressed lately, practicing self care if super important and if you need any ideas we have some here Self-Care a La Carte
Hope this helps

[Mo]

If it helps any, I think it might be good to keep in mind that pretty much anyone, no matter what their orientation or who their partner is, will have desires that are unfulfilled by a relationship. It's pretty rare (I'd say probably impossible) for any two people to dovetail so perfectly together that they're providing everything for each other. If you do get to a point where you feel like your needs aren't being met by your current relationship then it may be time to re-evaluate it, but I don't know that bisexual folks are more likely to have those feelings than people who are only interested in dating one gender.

In terms of how to explore your sexuality or make sense of your feelings, do you have any friends who are also bisexual women? Are you in an area with queer community centers or groups you could investigate? There are also plenty of online spaces you could investigate if in-person options are scarce or not your scene. A lot of bisexual or bi-curious women find themselves in situations similar to what you're describing, and it sounds like having some community would be helpful, for direct support and also just to see how other queer women live their lives happily.

I know monogamously partnered bisexual people who are content to be monogamous but like being out to their partners and being part of a queer/bisexual community, whether that's local or online, and some who acknowledge their identity but don't feel like it's a big part of their lives. I also know bisexual people who have open or polyamorous relationships and find that this works best for them. There are a LOT of ways that open/poly relationships can work; if it is or becomes something you're considering I'm happy to go deeper into that but since it doesn't sound like that's quite on the table yet I won't dive into it for now.

It's ok to not know right now what you're going to want in the future. It does sound like this is causing you enough anxiety to be impacting your day-to-day life, since you mention avoiding people out of a fear that you'll be attracted to them, and it might be helpful for you to talk about some of these feelings with a counselor or therapist (preferably someone who self-advertises as being explicitly lgbtq-friendly) so you can find ways to manage this anxiety a bit more and not miss out on having awesome women in your life.