Letting go of hangups from past abuse

[Virginia]

Hello,

I've come here a couple times now with questions about coping with past abuse and fears about sexual stuff, and now I have a question that's more geared towards how to function in a healthy relationship. For some background, I was sexually abused by an authority figure at my school when I was a young teenager and my first romantic relationship was very verbally and emotionally abusive. Because of these experiences, I have two very big hangups which have started to affect my boyfriend. First, I hate being given advice by a partner. In my first relationship, all it ever was was criticism. I was always too fat, too stupid, not good enough at this or that. I conditioned myself to have a very stubborn response to advice and/or criticism from my partners now, because I never want anyone to make me feel so bad again. This is putting some strain on my current relationship, because my boyfriend and I are competitive ballroom dance partners and he loves giving advice (he is very patient and doesn't give advice in abusive ways. It's always constructive). If I'm off beat or do a move wrong, he tries to give me advice and, without even thinking about it, I respond in stubborn and defensive ways. However, if I give advice to my boyfriend, he is very open and receptive to it. He has been very patient about my bad reactions from the beginning, but it's obvious this is beginning to wear on him.

The second hangup is that I have the same response to unwanted sexual touching as I do to being touched by surprise in playful ways (like surprise hugs or tickling). I'll twist away and scream "Don't touch me!" or "No!" in both cases. My boyfriend always respects my boundaries and has never pushed them. He stops immediately if I say "no", and does so without complaint. He knows about the past abuse. I don't mind surprise touching and love being playful with tickling and such. But recently we were around a group of friends and he put his hand on my neck in a way I wasn't expecting and I screamed, "No!". Everyone looked at him as if he were sexually harassing me (which he wasn't!) and later someone joked to him about it, which made him feel hurt. The joking also made me feel quite peeved when I heard about it, because I don't like feeling like my reactions are some sort of joke or what happened to me in the past is laughable.

I feel so stupid and broken for doing these things. My response to advice from partners and to unwanted/surprise touching helped me in the past when bad things were happening. But now that I'm in a healthy relationship, they really aren't called for anymore. I don't want my boyfriend to feel ashamed or bad for giving me advice on my dancing, nor do I want people to look at him in those ways when we're just having fun. How can I grow and move past these hangups so that I can have appropriate (or at least gentler) reactions to things that are healthy and not abusive? What are ways I can let my boyfriend know that I truly appreciate his patience and support? And how can I handle situations like the recent one where people looked at my boyfriend as if he were sexually harassing me when I just had a knee jerk reaction to being touched by surprise?

Unfortunately, therapy is not an option for me right now due to family, time, and finances, but I was going to therapy for a while and plan on going again when my life allows for it. So far, me and my boyfriend have come up with a couple ways to help me grow in these regards. First, when he gives me advice on dancing I make sure to take a few seconds to process my emotions before responding, and after practice we discuss the good ways I reacted and alternatives to the harsh/stubborn ways I reacted. This helps me because it allows me to learn healthy ways to respond to non-abusive advice and gives me alternative ways to express my frustration or confusion. Secondly, we've come up with a sort of inverse safe word. If he touches me by surprise or in any way that I like but still may elicit my defensive reaction, I replace "Don't touch me!" or "No!" with "Peanut butter!". That way, my natural reactions don't cause worry from other people, and my boyfriend knows that if I say "Don't touch me!" or "No!" I really mean it. This allows us to be able to play around in ways we enjoy but still know where the boundaries lie.

[Sam W]

Hi Virginia,

It can be so frustrating to feel like the abuse other people perpetrated is effecting a relationship that you feel happy and safe in. But, I have to say, it sounds like the two of you have come up with some really good strategies for helping you have boundaries while also learning what it feels like to assert those boundaries in a healthy relationship. Something I would add is to be patient with yourself. Like you said, these reactions arose as a way of protecting yourself from people who were hurting you, so it may take some time to shake them off. So try not to feel too frustrated with yourself if it takes some time for the strategies you've put in place to have an effect.

[sexpositivity94]

Hi, Virginia. My name is Genie. Thank you for coming here and reaching out. I'm sorry for what you had to go through and what you are still experiencing today. I have to be honest, I don't know what you are going through, as I am not a survivor of trauma myself. I can absolutely empathize with you, however, and many of my friends are survivors of abuse, assault, and trauma. I was wondering, instead of you using your 'inverse' safe word with your boyfriend after he touches you surprisingly, how about he not touch you without him asking you first? With my friends, especially the ones who are survivors of trauma (but I have made it a general rule for everyone now), I always ask them before I touch them. When I see them, I ask: "Hug?" or, "Can I play with your hair?" or "Can I rest my arm on your shoulder?". Something like that. It's casual, it doesn't attract attention in public and it is a way that you two can touch while still maintaining your boundaries. It might take a bit of getting used to, because touching, especially in a romantic, or close relationship, comes very naturally almost without thinking, but believe me it's easier than it sounds. And it doesn't take away any of the intimacy or closeness or playfulness that comes from touching one another. And also, Sam W is SO right. Please please please don't be frustrated with yourself, whatever strategies you come up with.