How to talk to women

[FoxTrail]

This question might deserve a bit of background. I am in my mid-20s, was homeschooled, and when I was younger I had a bit of a social interaction disorder that hindered me from reading social cues (this isn't an issue any more).

So. I am in university, and every so often... well, I see a woman, and she's pretty attractive, and I start thinking that I might like to get to know that person (note: not specifically for a sexual or romantic relationship. I am very inexperienced with opposite-sex relationships in general, and I'd be 100% happy with just a friendship. But that does still require communicating with the other person; see below.)

The problem is: I have fuck all idea about how to introduce myself to people (of either gender!) in a context that isn't directly social (like at a party, a friend's house, etc) or directly professional (professorial meeting), and when I see people I might be interested in meeting, it's just in a random context ("There's this woman in my university class / sitting in the cafeteria / studying / etc").

So... yeah. I realize that I wouldn't 'click' with everyone I meet, but honestly, I think if I just had some general advice, it might help significantly.

[Ashleah]

Hi FoxTrail,

Welcome to the boards! Meeting people is something I struggle with as well but something that I have challenged myself to try. So hopefully I can be of some help, as I am certainly no expert.

I think it is important to let go of the idea that there is a certain way you should approach a woman vs. approaching a man. Really people are so diverse that there isn't going to be any set of rules that you can use to get a certain result. How I would want someone to approach me is not going to be the same as what another woman would want just because we are both women. For this reason, I'm focusing on mostly getting to know people (in general) if that's okay with you

Is a person being someone you find physical attractive important to you in friendships? And if so, is it something you feel makes the relationship better in some way? I ask because I think that attractiveness is a difficult aspect to form a relationship around, especially one that would be very meaningful. Wanting to be attracted to a romantic partner definitely isn't unreasonable, but if you want to form a friendship, how important is that going to be to you? Even if you are looking to meet a person that you could potentially date down the road, having a good foundation in your relationship will certainly be important. So i think it would be helpful to think about what kind of people you would want to know and what things are important to you in a friendship because it's a way to start thinking about how and where to meet such folks!!!

So for me, in a friendship, having shared interest is really important. Because of that I've been finding groups or activities that interest me so I can meet people who might enjoy the same things that I do. This can make it easier because it's typically an environment where people can interact and get to know each other around a shared interest. Just something to consider, I don't think that all spaces or situations are the best time to try to meet people. You mentioned studying, personally, I get kinda annoyed when someone tries to talk to me and I'm trying to get work done. Sure no two people are alike, but again, just thinking about when is the best time to approach some one. So I would certainly recommend getting out in social environments and situations so that it would give you the opportunity to meet someone you connect with.

It also helps to be okay with rejection (or with things just not playing out the exact way that you might have wanted). I think that takes some of the pressure off and allows interactions to be more authentic. Knowing and being okay with the fact that someone might not be interested in forming a relationship can make approaching them a bit easier. At least it does for me I have had it happen before where I asked someone I wanted to be friends with if I could have their number to see if we could get together to hang out. They told me no, wasn't what I wanted to hear, but that is definitely fine!

How do you introduce yourself at parties or in professional settings? Do you have an idea of why that feels more comfortable? And could that work for getting to know other people?

[FoxTrail]

Hi FoxTrail,

Welcome to the boards! Meeting people is something I struggle with as well but something that I have challenged myself to try. So hopefully I can be of some help, as I am certainly no expert.

I think it is important to let go of the idea that there is a certain way you should approach a woman vs. approaching a man. Really people are so diverse that there isn't going to be any set of rules that you can use to get a certain result. How I would want someone to approach me is not going to be the same as what another woman would want just because we are both women. For this reason, I'm focusing on mostly getting to know people (in general) if that's okay with you

That's fair. I wasn't really looking for pick-up lines in any case, more advice on meeting people.

As a side note, I realized while I was writing this that my question could also apply to meeting men (except not for romantic relationships; not my preferred orientation), except I didn't say it because the board is 'relationships' and a question about friendships could be seen as off-topic. I don't have a proper idea how to 'cold-introduce' myself to people of either gender in contexts that aren't directly social or professional, really.

Is a person being someone you find physical attractive important to you in friendships? And if so, is it something you feel makes the relationship better in some way? I ask because I think that attractiveness is a difficult aspect to form a relationship around, especially one that would be very meaningful. Wanting to be attracted to a romantic partner definitely isn't unreasonable, but if you want to form a friendship, how important is that going to be to you? Even if you are looking to meet a person that you could potentially date down the road, having a good foundation in your relationship will certainly be important. So i think it would be helpful to think about what kind of people you would want to know and what things are important to you in a friendship because it's a way to start thinking about how and where to meet such folks!!!

So for me, in a friendship, having shared interest is really important. Because of that I've been finding groups or activities that interest me so I can meet people who might enjoy the same things that I do. This can make it easier because it's typically an environment where people can interact and get to know each other around a shared interest. Just something to consider, I don't think that all spaces or situations are the best time to try to meet people. You mentioned studying, personally, I get kinda annoyed when someone tries to talk to me and I'm trying to get work done. Sure no two people are alike, but again, just thinking about when is the best time to approach some one. So I would certainly recommend getting out in social environments and situations so that it would give you the opportunity to meet someone you connect with.

Again, a valid point. I'm sorta torn here. I would, by a large margin, when it comes to friends, prefer friends who share my interests (relevant example: various cartoon and video game fandoms, both popular and obscure). And I've found it's easy for me to find people with similar interests... on the Internet. And I have a number of online friends who I've met this way! However, this doesn't really translate to offline life very well— to my knowledge, there are not, for example, Steven Universe or Gravity Falls or Ace Attorney fan groups who meet up offline on a regular basis.

Physical attractiveness is not important for me when it comes to straight friendships, though it is something I'd like in a romantic partner. Regarding romance, I'd love to meet a woman who shares my interests. But since I don't have any way to determine who shares my interests easily*, I fall back on attractiveness as an alternative option, and hope to meet someone within that subset who I would get along well with, personality/interests wise.

*re the above bit: though it would probably surface easily if I could just get talking to the person in question.

It also helps to be okay with rejection (or with things just not playing out the exact way that you might have wanted). I think that takes some of the pressure off and allows interactions to be more authentic. Knowing and being okay with the fact that someone might not be interested in forming a relationship can make approaching them a bit easier. At least it does for me I have had it happen before where I asked someone I wanted to be friends with if I could have their number to see if we could get together to hang out. They told me no, wasn't what I wanted to hear, but that is definitely fine!

I am fine with rejection. I just don't really approach people much at all. Typically when I am by myself I start working on my laptop and don't interact much with other people, which may possibly be partially related to the reasons described above (not knowing how/if to 'cold-introduce').

How do you introduce yourself at parties or in professional settings? Do you have an idea of why that feels more comfortable? And could that work for getting to know other people?

In professional settings, it's easy. Just, "Hi, I'm (my name)", and then launch straight into the business I've come here for; or, if 'business social', talk about something topical. But, in a business context, I'm not really looking to cultivate a friendship with whoever I'm working with! (Not to say that I'm avoiding one if one happens naturally— just that I'm all business in that context.)

In social settings, like a party or at a friend's house, it's also easier because people tend to congregate in groups, so typically there's at least one person I know already and I can talk to whoever by virtue of being part of the conversational group that includes the person I already know.

[Mo]

Like Ashleah, I think there's a lot of overlap with how you talk to pretty much anyone you want to get to know better and how you talk to someone you might want to date. It might be helpful to have a general goal of making connections with more people overall, and not just potential dating partners, for a few reasons: it gets you used to the idea that it's hard to go wrong if you start a conversation or interaction with a woman you're attracted to the same way you'd start one with anyone else, plus the wider your circle of friends, the better chances you have of meeting someone you might be attracted to. It might be a less intimidating goal, too.

Giving yourself some small goals or challenges might be helpful here; when you're at a party, can you start a conversation with one or two new people each time? Is there a club, class, or volunteer opportunity in your area that dovetails with some of your interests and might be a good place to meet new interesting people? I'm not saying you need to restructure your entire life, or try to push yourself to be more social or gregarious than you naturally are, but maybe there are some small things you can do to raise your confidence and get started interacting more.

In terms of conversation starters - I think asking people what media they're enjoying lately (or even flat-out asking for recommendations) is a great way for them to open up and for you to maybe discover something new and exciting.

[FoxTrail]

Like Ashleah, I think there's a lot of overlap with how you talk to pretty much anyone you want to get to know better and how you talk to someone you might want to date. It might be helpful to have a general goal of making connections with more people overall, and not just potential dating partners, for a few reasons: it gets you used to the idea that it's hard to go wrong if you start a conversation or interaction with a woman you're attracted to the same way you'd start one with anyone else, plus the wider your circle of friends, the better chances you have of meeting someone you might be attracted to. It might be a less intimidating goal, too.

I think you nailed it. There's nothing I can really say that can add to that.

Giving yourself some small goals or challenges might be helpful here; when you're at a party, can you start a conversation with one or two new people each time? Is there a club, class, or volunteer opportunity in your area that dovetails with some of your interests and might be a good place to meet new interesting people? I'm not saying you need to restructure your entire life, or try to push yourself to be more social or gregarious than you naturally are, but maybe there are some small things you can do to raise your confidence and get started interacting more.

Now we get to the nub of the thing, which is that I don't actually go to parties, or indeed many social events in general. I do have a club I go to regularly; and yes, there are a decent number of people there, it's just, {A} I usually stick to talking with the one or two people I'm already good friends with, though I know everybody else as acquaintances, {B} re: the women in the club, I'm reluctant to start asking personal or even vaguely personal questions for fear they'll think I'm hitting on them— and I don't want to upset anyone. I guess I sorta deliberately go celibate / monkish in social contexts re: women for this reason.

In terms of conversation starters - I think asking people what media they're enjoying lately (or even flat-out asking for recommendations) is a great way for them to open up and for you to maybe discover something new and exciting.

Good idea. Everyone's got something they like in that way.

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

man, I feel for you. I have a similar problem - I have no clue how to talk to men. :-p

Or anybody, really. I am shy and socially awkward and it always seems to me as if everybody else is playing a mysterious social game that I will never understand or be able to take part in. Just saying this to remind you that you will probably not be the only person in a room who isn't super confident. Maybe that could help you feel more comfortable.

I made the few friends I have through school and university, they are all people I worked and studied with and then the working relationship slowly morphed into a private friendly one. I can also recommend group activities on campus. I joined a drama group, even though I can't act and have stage fright - they had plenty of stuff that had to be done behind the scenes and I got both physically and socially close to people through helping with their makeup and costumes without feeling weird about it. My now long-term partner and I met at a dancing class.

One more thought: I often get the impression that there is a lot of pressure on men to appear confident and in charge. BS. I am not the least bit bothered by a guy who admits to feeling a bit insecure. That's fine. I remember when my partner introduced me to one of his friends, and he just said outright: "What can I ask you that isn't too personal?". We had common ground almost immediately - we were obviously both baffled by social norms.

So, I guess this boils down to "you really are not alone in this" and "how about you try group activities." I could have done that in a lot less words, couldn't I.

[FoxTrail]

Hey there,

man, I feel for you. I have a similar problem - I have no clue how to talk to men. :-p

Or anybody, really. I am shy and socially awkward and it always seems to me as if everybody else is playing a mysterious social game that I will never understand or be able to take part in. Just saying this to remind you that you will probably not be the only person in a room who isn't super confident. Maybe that could help you feel more comfortable.

Thanks.

I made the few friends I have through school and university, they are all people I worked and studied with and then the working relationship slowly morphed into a private friendly one. I can also recommend group activities on campus. I joined a drama group, even though I can't act and have stage fright - they had plenty of stuff that had to be done behind the scenes and I got both physically and socially close to people through helping with their makeup and costumes without feeling weird about it. My now long-term partner and I met at a dancing class.

That may have something to do with why I'm posting this... thing is, I graduate university in a few months, then it's two years of masters' degree and my academic career is (probably) over. So it's starting to feel like there's a bit of time pressure. And I'm curious what having a romantic relationship is like, never having had one.

One more thought: I often get the impression that there is a lot of pressure on men to appear confident and in charge. BS. I am not the least bit bothered by a guy who admits to feeling a bit insecure. That's fine. I remember when my partner introduced me to one of his friends, and he just said outright: "What can I ask you that isn't too personal?". We had common ground almost immediately - we were obviously both baffled by social norms.

So, I guess this boils down to "you really are not alone in this" and "how about you try group activities." I could have done that in a lot less words, couldn't I.

Again, thank you.

[Heather]

Do you know from Dr. Nerdlove, FoxTrail?

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/

If not, I think his tone and content might be a really good fit for you to round some of the help you're getting here out. I think he gives really great advice about dating that's often tailored to guys, and it's very real and strategic, but also is very much centered in healthy interpersonal dynamics and ways of relating.

[FoxTrail]

Do you know from Dr. Nerdlove, FoxTrail?

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/

If not, I think his tone and content might be a really good fit for you to round some of the help you're getting here out. I think he gives really great advice about dating that's often tailored to guys, and it's very real and strategic, but also is very much centered in healthy interpersonal dynamics and ways of relating.

Whoa! I was not aware this site existed, and I think he's going to be a big help. Thanks a lot.

[Heather]

Sure thing!