What should I do??

[Elsiesmama]

Hey there. It seems like I'm always coming around with random questions. But today I have a different situation. I'm having some mixed feelings about my relationship and whether I am wrong or if I really have somewhat of a point. When I was in college I used to see a therapist and we talked about a lot of different stuff, but now I'm in a university program, I'm hopefully getting my basw degree next year! And I don't want to see a therapist here because I feel like I'm studying to be a social worker and I'm the one asking for help? Like I don't know, I'm embarrassed so naturally I'm here asking for you opinion!

The situation is with my boyfriend and I. We've been together like two and a half years. But we go through phases in our relationship which is normal and right now we're at a point where he wants space to be with his friends. The details of this is as follows: I go to school four days a week and I work work during the week and on Saturdays. I'm also a music director at my church all day Sunday. And he's a banker that works Monday to Saturday and he's the sound tech at our church on Sunday's so we only see each other on Sunday's after church around 5 or 6 pm. We live like 30 minutes away from each other so it's not super convenient to drive out. And now it turns out that he wants more time to be with his friends and brother but the only available time he can do that is Saturday's nights and Sunday nights which is usually when we hang out. And I don't like the idea of us not spending time. His idea was to see me twice a month which is ridiculous to me. I really don't agree with that but he keeps getting angry that I don't agree. I told him I would feel better if he would make an effort to see me another or try to do little things so that we're still somehow connected. But he is so freaking bad at doing stuff like this. He will never stop by even though he works by my house. He never a surprises me. He never plans anything for us to do. We always end up fighting because he doesn't do anything. And he thinks I'm just complaining which I am but I have a reason too. I try to take him lunch or cook him dinner and he has never done anything for me. So I'm frustrated with that and that's why I take the time we have to hang out so seriously because without that we'd just be like friends?

Next problem I have is that his friends are bad influences. They used to do pot with my boyfriend and he stopped doing it when he met me. But they just go out drinking and to bars and they even went to a strip club. Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but I think being in a relationship you shouldn't be doing that out of respect for your partner. I just don't trust his friends and my boyfriend has his own issues where he doesn't know how to say no except to me.

I just feel like now that he wants to be with his friends he's just gonna forget about me and we're gonna grow apart and that'll be the end of the relationship. I really love him and I don't want to lose him, but if I force him to spend time with me, it's not meaningful because he won't even wanna be there with me. Agh! What do I do? Or what can I do? He keeps saying that he's not gonna cheat on me and that we will spend time but he sees no problem with seeing each other twice a month. And I really don't want to do that.

[Sam W]

Hi Elise,

There are a few things going on here that I want to address. The first is that it sounds like you're feeling as though the relationship is unequal in terms of how invested each of you are in it. You want more time together, and he wants less. I will say that it's not bad for someone to want to spend some of their free time with people other than there partner, but when the time you spent together was already pretty limited, I can see how that would sting. I want to ask, do you initiate the plans you wish he would, or do you wait and hope he'll do it? And if you do initiate, how does he tend to react?

It's also sounding like you two may have reached a point where what you both need and want from the relationship is no longer compatible. That doesn't automatically mean you need to break-up, but it does sound like it's time for you two to have a discussion about what you both want and where the relationship is going from there if those wants don't fit together. We have a few pieces on the site that might help with that conversation:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

[Elsiesmama]

Hi thank you for answering. To answer your question, I almost always plan out our dates and things to do when we hang out. And yes I have mentioned like oh you should bring me lunch and hang out one day or just like hints like that and he always just says ok but never does it. And then after some time I'll call him out on it and he gets mad and says I'm just complaining and I'll say I'm just trying to show you that you don't do anything for me and he just shuts me out. I feel like yeah we've reached a place where we can't agree and I'm just hurt. Overall hurt.

Like just ten minutes ago we got in an argument because he didn't do anything for my birthday or graduation or our two year anniversary. He was always saying that he didn't have enough money for something and it took a lot of me to let that go. But just recently we were talking about Valentine's Day and he said don't expect anything because he doesn't have money for anything. And I said we didn't have to do much but he just said don't expect anything. And right now he told me he just bought an Apple Watch for himself and it really hurt me. It just seems like he's not invested in our relationship. Like I know this all sounds materialistic but it really hurts my feelings and messes with my self worth because I feel like he's just lying to me and I'm not worthy for him to spend on me. But for his birthday we went out and spent a whole day doing what he wanted and he got his birthday presents from me and my family. And I just feel like he doesn't care.

He wasn't like this before with me. Before he was always doing little things, he'd take me out to dinner and we'd do a lot of fun activities and now it all changed. We broke up in May about this same issue but we got back together in August. And now I feel like I maybe want to break up but I'm scared to.

I'm sorry I'm throwing all of this on you guys, but I have no where else to turn to.

[Ashleah]

Hey Elise,

I'm sorry to hear that you are hurt. I know it can be difficult when a relationship is not going the way you expected, especially when you are doubting the way the person feels about you and the relationship. I have to agree with Sam that the relationship may no longer be compatible. It seems that you both have different expectations and needs which are not being meet. And I have to be honest, it sounds like the way you are communicating with each other does not make for a healthy relationship.

I know I haven't addressed the specific concerns that you have brought up, but again, it feels like you are at a point where you all need to decide if this is a relationship that will continue to work (or if it can work again). You both have brought If you'd like, we can talk more about this as well as communicating with your boyfriend if/when you have these discussions.

Did you have a chance to check out the articles that Sam provided? If not can you read those.

I have one more to add: Does Your Relationship Need a Check Up

Can you look it over and let me know if anything sticks out to you? How you feel about the relationship based off of the article? After you look at that, we might be able to take the conversation a bit further.