HS, girls and relationships, oh my!

[TheNiteHawk]

I'm a High School Senior. Although my social abilities have been better then they used to be, I still am stuck with a problem: I don't really know how to talk to girls. Hell, I'm not the best at talking to anyone, really, but I at least am better at it with members of the same sex.

Sometimes I just feel... lonely.

As part of the issue: I'd like a girlfriend. I've been trying for a few years, but I haven't been doing well, aside from a few short-lived relationships. However, I think I realized what I've been doing wrong: I've been trying for people way out of my league.

I need to find some nerdy girl who likes... video games and not going outside.

I don't even know how to go about finding a girl who would be a good match for me. And then, how to ask them out, or go about doing such a thing.

My previous relationships have come about by mostly sheer luck or help from others.

There is this girl, but she only wants to be friends. Not that I mind that at all, but I'd just like a relationship. Also it's probably not helping that I sit with my best friend and his girlfriend at Lunch.

[Karyn]

Luck often does have a lot to do with finding potential partners, but there are things you can do to make it more likely that you'll meet someone you're interested in. One of the best ways to find people you click with, whether for friendship or a romantic/sexual relationship, is just by getting to know new people and expanding your social circle a bit. Friends you already have are often a big help with that - maybe your best friend or his girlfriend have a friend or group of friends you don't know, but they think you might get along with. The girl you've mentioned who just wants to be friends, maybe she knows someone you'd get along with. It's worth asking!

Trying new activities is also a really good way to meet people; something like taking a class at a community college on a topic you've always been interested in, or joining a club at school. The good thing about that is that you're likely to meet people who you know share at least one of your interests, so right there you've got something in common, and therefore something to talk about. Bonus: meeting new people, even if they turn out not to be potential partners, will likely help you feel a bit less lonely.

One thing I'd suggest is that you try not to aim for just finding a relationship, but instead on meeting new people. It's often easy to tell when people are just looking for a relationship, and that kind of focus or very strong want for a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/significant other can be a bit off-putting. It also might help to think about what it is you feel a romantic relationship would give you that your friendships don't - most good romantic relationships are built on good friendships, so what is it specifically that you're looking for from a potential partner? Ditching the idea that there are people who are "out of your league" can help too. No one is better than anyone else, and to boot, girls aren't a totally different species that speak a different language: we're all people, we're all different, and talking to a girl isn't really any different than talking to anyone of any gender.

In terms of asking someone out, if you do meet someone you're interested in, it can be as simple as "Hey, would you like to grab a cup of coffee (or whatever) sometime?" It doesn't even necessarily need to be a date, just an opportunity to hang out and get to know them better one-on-one.

[TheNiteHawk]

Thanks for your input. You have certainly helped me clear some things up. I think i'd probably be a good idea to try and make more friendships and just talk to people. Even if I don't plan on ever being more than friends or anything, I can still gain the experience and boost my self-esteem that way. I'll be working with the Theater Club in a few months, so that's coming up. I might be joining another club as well, so that's another opportunity.

I might ask that girl I mentioned out on a "friend-date", as I like to call it. I'm sure we can find somewhere to go.

Although you mentioned

The girl you've mentioned who just wants to be friends, maybe she knows someone you'd get along with. It's worth asking!

How would I best go about asking her (or anyone else, for that matter) without sounding desperate? I'm not, but I'm not sure how to make it sound that way.

And I have tried some different states of mind when talking to girls, which I think has helped my nerves and improved my courage. You're right, they're not a different species, even if it sometimes feels that way!

[Karyn]

How would I best go about asking her (or anyone else, for that matter) without sounding desperate? I'm not, but I'm not sure how to make it sound that way.

I would skip mentioning that you're specifically looking for a relationship and would like to meet potential partners. If I were in your position, I would probably just mention that you feel like your social circle could be expanded a bit, you'd like to meet some new people, and if they know anyone they think you'd get along with, would they mind introducing you.

The theater club and any other clubs or activities will likely help a lot - have fun with those!

[TheNiteHawk]

Much appreciated, Karyn. That helps a lot. It doesn't make me sound as if I'm desperate while still asking if they'd know anyone who might like to get to know me better, which is what I'm really looking for.

Regardless if her/anyone else turns into a relationship or not, I can still meet new people with similar interests, which is always a good thing.

[Heather]

I'd also be sure that whatever you are finding has been working for you when it comes to socializing with other guys? You bring those same things to socializing with women. Really, there aren't different skills when it comes to engaging with people of any given gender based only ON gender.

For sure, people's personalities, communication and socialization styles, those kinds of variances will create differences in how people interact and feel comfortable interacting, but little to none of that usually has zip to do with gender.

[TheNiteHawk]

Thank you Heather. I realize that now, that I've been looking at the whole "communication" think the wrong way. What I've been trying (only once, but it's worked that time) is to not separate people by gender in terms of communication, but to just see everyone I talk to as a person. (Does that make sense?) I think it's helped.

[Heather]

I think that's perfect.

I feel like relationships, and what they turn into, really have much more to do with plain old timing, and then what ends up feeling like the right kind of relationship for people as they get to know each other. What we want and are looking for matters, too, but really, we're only going to know what the right kind of relationship is with each other as we spend time together, see how we feel, and see what fits and doesn't.

So, really, when you come to things like that, I feel like that not only takes a LOT of the pressure off -- and goodness knows we all interact beest when we feel as relaxed as we can -- but also steers us more towards really building things that feel right, rather than trying to fit any given person or relationship into the box of what we want, if that makes sense. I think that also answers concerns about appearing desperate for romance or sex when that's something people want, because you're not coming to someone FOR that so much as coming to them with a curiosity about who they are, and what it winds up being you both find you want from each other. In other words, then it seems more clear your interest in someone is just as them as a person rather than, say, them as someone auditioning for the role of girlfriend and you as boyfriend.

[TheNiteHawk]

That's it! You're right in stating that if I don't make having a relationship with someone my main goal, but instead get to know them and see if something turns out, that certainly reduces the stress and pressure off of the situation. And even if it doesn't turn into a relationship or whatnot, then I'll still have gained the social experience and perhaps even introduced myself to something I had no knowledge of before.

If I'm not desperate, then I won't act desperate, which I think may have been a turn-off to girls I asked out previously.

Either way, much appreciated Heather.

[Heather]

Happy to help!

Might also help to remind yourself that from all I can gather just from your posts and interactions here so far? You're pretty awesome. And I imagine that you're someone who is probably pretty awesome to be with in any relationship, so it's not like someone hanging out with you or dating you is doing you some kind of favor.

I have no doubt that any interactions or relationships you pursue will be mutually beneficial, with you bringing an awful lot of good stuff to the table.

Sometimes we can forget that, especially if dating is challenging or tough: we can forget that they're not about other people being so charitable as to give us their time, attention or interest, they're about us bringing each other things of mutual benefit, with us being just as much of an "Yay! Because they are so cool and I like them so much!" as we may feel about anyone else we interact with.

Long story short: try and harness your own internal sense of worth with this, and if that feels shaky, get to work on it by at least reminding yourself that even if you are not all the way there yet, that worth and value is still there all the same, just waiting for you to catch up.

[TheNiteHawk]

I think that this:

we can forget that they're not about other people being so charitable as to give us their time, attention or interest, they're about us bringing each other things of mutual benefit,

sums it up perfectly, Heather. Thanks for allowing me to realize that.

I think I'll step my foot out and take chances. Come what may, I'll have at least done my best.