Getting more independent?

[Someone]

Hi, I'll be turning twenty in a couple months, I still live at home with my parents and older siblings parents, I'm still pretty dependent on them for a lot of things.
I have cerebral palsy and use a wheelchair. My home isn't that wheelchair accessible so I don't generally use it inside the house. However, I can craw around so that's not an issue.
My siblings and I don't pay our parents rent for living at home but my siblings help around the house with things like cooking, cleaning, and caring for pets.
I want to help around the house too. It only seems fair. I'm not in school or have a job but I've been applying places. I want to be able to do more things by myself, help around the house. I honestly feel like I make more chores then I help with. I feel bad about it. Everytime I bring this up with my mom she says not to worry. That she and the rest of my family doesn't mind.

I know this may seem like a very ridiculous first world problem in comparison to the majority of the questions but I find this very frustrating along with the fact that my neighborhood isn't that pedestrian friendly so I can't go out on my own either.

I just want to be like a normal young adult but everything seems to be at a standstill right now.

[Heather]

I certainly don't think wanting more independence and autonomy is a first world problem! It's a really big deal, especially when a disability limits that from the front.

Before I dig in, can you tell me if you have any healthcare providers you work with who you can also have this kind of conversation with? If so, how have those conversations gone? What about access to supports and in-person helps with this like a support group of others with disability in general, or CP, specifically? How about (if you know) healthcare coverage for someone to come into your home or i-person like -- an assistant, basically -- who can help you do more things?

[Someone]

As far as getting medical attention gos that's not much of an issue. I have close family in the medical field, that that I have connections so I can ask them and we can see. I wouldn't need an assistant for self care as much as more as much as practice. I mostly have issues with fine hand-eye coordination can make it difficult to put on my shoes and brush my hair But I can do most other basic self-care tasks like dress myself, brush my teeth, shower, ect.

We were doing some remodeling on the house. As there were plans to add a ramp for the front porch that would go all the way around the house so I can get the yard and replacing the tall thick carpeting inside for wooden flooring but my uncle, the contractor has been busy working in California for the past year or so that's on the back burner till he's done with that.

I haven't been able to find any physical disability support groups in SC only those for mental health and learning disabilities.

[Heather]

What I was thinking about with the assistant was that what you'd be using them for -- and asking of them -- isn't so much to do FOR you, as to work with you over time to find solutions together that'll help you be able to do more of what you want to do without them in time. In other words, more having them in the role of adaptation coach.

Does that make sense?

I wonder, too, with your family, if it might help to just gently tell them that wanting to do more isn't just about feeling bad that you can't do what you feel is your share the household responsibilities, it's also about the fact that having responsibility, and being able to have the ability to do that, can be a really big deal when it comes to feeling a sense of things like freedom, self-esteem, independence, and the ability to envision and experience yourself as more able rather than less.

It may be that all they're getting is you feeling bad about something they don't see any reason for you to feel bad about, because they love you and are awesome and want to help you as they can. For people who have the easy ability to do the kinds of things you want to do (in whatever ways you will have the ability to do), it can be hard to know or realize the other pieces in this people with abilities can take for granted or not even realize they're getting from, say, doing the dishes, like feeling capable and able to take care of basic parts of daily life. They also may not know or understand that it can feel precarious and even scary -- on top of being frustrating -- to be dependent on people to do things that are part of basic daily life.

What do you think about asking them for more help with this, and maybe reminding them of the pieces in this they may not experience themselves? It sounds like if they don't really get that, you have a supportive family who, once they do, will probably have an "Aha!" and help you in the ways they can to gain more independence in this arena.

[Someone]

Yes, that does make sense.
My mom has always encouraged me to be independent, to try to do things on my own.
She understands that I do want to be more self sufficient And has helped me Figure out my limitation and how to help me improve my skills.
I do help with things every now and then but I'd like something that needs to be done on a regular basis.
I talked to her about this again last night, asked her if there was any daily chores or anything I can help around the house with not only to help but to gain skill.
She said she'd try to think of something.

I haven't asked about an assistant yet but I will today.

Thank you so much!

[Heather]

Happy to be of help!