Tired of Being Bored

[pinkpanther93]

Hi all,

I recently submited this question to the sexperts, but maybe some of you can help me out as well? Maybe not as it seems most of you are experiencing problems that I did when I first started dating many years ago.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now. When it all started, I was an innocent little sophomore in high school that just wanted to fit in. He was 2 years older than me and we started dating the summer before we left for college. Knowing that he was going off to college, I felt that when he asked me to have sex with him, I had to or he would just leave me for a college girl. So I gave into pressure and had sex with him when I wasn't ready. It meant everything to me and we did it A LOT, but as time went on, it just turned into a fling: when he came home, he would meet up with me simply to have sex and then we wouldn't talk again until he was back home from college. Everntually, I got fed up and told him that that wasn't going to happen anymore. We've had our ups and downs but at this point we have been in a committed, serious, and successful relationship for 2 years now, without any major problems.

However, I think that aspects of our previous sex life has had adverse effects on me. I feel that whenever we have had sex recently, I've only wanted it for its physical pleasure, while he wants it because he wants it to create an intimate connection between us. While I want to want that too, I can't bring myself to do so. As of late, I haven't even wanted sex. I never feel horny anymore, not just for him, but anyone. And it's not like I want to sleep with anyone else, because I don't. Sometimes, I'll have sex with him or pleasure him because I feel bad for depriving him and I want to make him happy. When I force myself to do it like this, it's not like I don't enjoy it - it feels amazing, but I just don't want it. All other aspects of my relationship with him are perfect. I'm in love with him, he is the sweetest and most genuine guy I know and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but when it comes to our sex life, I need help. How do I rekindle the spark that we once had?

[marianthe]

Hi pinkpanther-

so here are my initial thoughts, I'm sure others might have some as well. I wondered if you've talked to your boyfriend about the way you've been feeling, and if not- that would be a first step.

And if you feel like the trauma from his earlier behavior might be at the root of you feeling less able to enjoy sex with him emotionally, then maybe taking some time off from sexual activities for a while could be a good idea. It doesn't sound like its a positive experience for you right now, so even if taking some time off doesn't solve the problem, you won't be continuing to have a sexual relationship in which you are not mutually wanting sex, engaged and enjoying yourselves, which will only continue to cement the dynamics from earlier in your relationship where you did things you didn't really want to do out of fear. That kind of thing can really stay with you and definitely continue to effect your feelings around sex and the relationship. And I think that taking some time off/talking to him more fully about how you feel could "recalibrate" your relationship with sex so to speak, if maybe you still feel like you don't totally trust that the sex and the intimacy/commitment can go together. If he really is a good partner, he will be able to listen to you and respect your feelings and needs right now.

[Heather]

I wonder, too, if it might help to revisit what KIND of relationship you want with him. After all, there are a lot of ways of spending - or aiming to spend -- a lifetime with someone. To have that with each other, our relationship doesn't have to be a sexual one. It can be, but that's just one of many options.

So, do you feel at all like it's possible some of your changed feelings are about not wanting that kind of relationship with him anymore, or not wanting that kind of relationship right now? Relationships do tend to shift and change over time, and same goes for what people want with them. Have you thought about what it is you really want and are really feeling lately -- or even ever: some people get and stay in sexual relationships they never really wanted to be sexual ones in the first place, after all, and don't ever really think about if that's something they actually want or not? Is it possible you haven't felt like you wanted sex with him because...well, that's not what you really want with him anymore?

Sometimes, after all, we can feel like we want to want a thing we really don't because of ideas we have picked up that we are supposed to, or have to in order to have certain things in life, like certain kinds of long-term relationships.

Just something to think about.

[pinkpanther93]

marianthe: Thankfully, I am in a relationship where I can share any and every thought I have with my boyfriend without having him get upset. So yes, we've discussed it multiple times and he understands. He doesn't want to force anything on me and he's willing to be patient and wait for me to figure things out, but the thing is, I don't know how to figure them out and he doesn't really have suggestions. The thing that worries me about taking time off is that I feel like it will encourage me to ignore the problem and not actually face it. Like if we just stop our sexual relationship all together, it will just be done and won't re-spark on it's own. Does that make sense? Any more thoughts on that?

Heather: I want to be able to spend my life with him as my husband and in doing so, I want to have children with him and be able to have the romantic aspect of a sexual relationship with him. When I really think about it, I want to be able to share in the intimacy of a sexual relationship with him and it's just hard for me because I feel like my hormones are just gone - I'm just never in the mood. That initial "honeymoon stage" of the relationship has passed and it's just not exciting anymore. I feel like the biggest suggestion with that would be for us to try new things, but I don't really know what new things to try and if it would actually work with getting me in the mood. It can't hurt to try, but I worry that if it doesn't work, I don't know what our other options would be.

Thank you both for your open and honest replies with me. Any other help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

[Ruth]

I hope you don't mind me stepping in here?

It's great to hear you've got such an understanding relationship with your boyfriend, for a start, and I'm glad you've been able to talk to him about it. I think marianthe's suggestion about waiting it out is actually a good idea - think of it as having a broken ankle. You don't want to walk on it. If you walk on it anyway because you want to be able to walk, you're not actually doing your poor ankle any good. If you leave it its recovery time, walking comfortably becomes an option again. If you're not finding that you're having sex with your boyfriend out of obligation, you might find that you start feeling genuine desire for it in the absence of just... doing it. Does that make sense?

In regards to what you replied to Heather, if you're describing not having any romantic connection (at least through sex) with your boyfriend, are there other romantic activities with him that you enjoy? Other ways of expressing intimacy? It might be worth leaning on these options a little more if sex isn't really working for you at the current time.

[pinkpanther93]

Ruth, your insight has been very helpful and makes perfect sense. We've been discussing taking a break. Not from each other, just from sexual activities for now. What other kinds of intimate/romantic activities did you have in mind aside from that? We'll go on picnics sometimes or snuggle while watching movies, that kind of thing?


Thanks so much for your help.

[Heather]

Can I check in with you about how you are feeling per your sexuality that has nothing to do with your partner? In other words, things like your own masturbation, your feelings about your sexuality as not related to your partner (or perhaps even any partners), and your own feelings of desire and arousal all by yourself?

If there has been a recent change with any of this, what's the timeline been with that and how you have been feeling sexually with your partner?

Anything else going on in your life that could be playing a part here, like depression, stress, a new medication, changes in rest or activity, conflicted or negative (or even apathetic) feelings about your body or sexuality in general, etc?

Can you also give me an idea of if and when things have felt very good and connected -- including emotionally, as you seem to be saying you have always enjoyed the physical aspect -- between you two and when that seemed to change? Anything else happen right around that time?

[pinkpanther93]

Heather, in all honesty, I haven't had much experience with this. I went to both a Catholic grade school and high school and we weren't given much education in the area of sex ed and neither of my parents ever really had a talk with me. So everything I learned, I learned from my friends and looking things up on my own. There have been multiple times in the past where I have tried to bring myself to pleasure myself, but it just felt wrong, like I felt guilty and couldn't bring myself to do it, or I'd start and immediately stop after. Once I met my boyfriend (he is the only person I have had sex with) he pleasured me enough to where I didn't feel the need to take care of myself. There have also been times where I've watched porn on my own or even with him, but when it's on my own, nothing comes out of it other than arousal.

He enjoyed letting me watch porn and would suggest that I do so when he pleasured me, but that made me feel distanced from him so I told him I didn't want to watch anymore. Maybe that could be part of it?

I'm usually fairly stressed with my time intensive major, but especially this semester as I begin to apply for internships and decide what I want to do with my career. He is at a different stage in his life, being that he is 2 years older than me, and has already started his career and found his place. I have always had negative feelings about my body as I grew up with a grandmother who constantly put me down and still does, telling me I was too fat and needed to lose weight if I ever wanted boys to like me.

Things felt really good and connected with us at the beginning. As a teenager, I was blind to what was going on between us (I thought everything was perfect and we were so in love) and it took my catching him multiple times in lies and realizing he was using me for my body to finally snap out of it and as a result, I became bitter towards him. There was a long period where I would have anxiety attacks and just break down crying around him because I was scared he was lying to me about things that I would never find out and comparing myself to his exes. After we passed that and I rarely ever get anxiety anymore, I think maybe I got bored because for 3 years I was used to bad things happening and even though all I ever wanted was for him to treat me right, when he finally did, it was so out of the norm for me that it was hard for me to accept and because it wasn't what I was used to, I didn't really like it? Does all that make sense? I'm trying to give as brief descriptions as possible because I could write a book if I told you the story of our relationship in its entirety.

[Heather]

Okay, so it sounds like perhaps we know at least something bound to be an issue, which is having your whole sexuality tied up in someone else, rather than having a sexuality that also is absolutely your own, and not tied up with that other person or relationship.

That doesn't have to mean watching porn, btw, if that's not something that interests you or that you like. Really what that just means is figuring out -- and this is a lifelong process -- who YOU are sexually, all by yourself, not just with someone else. And it sounds like for you, the starting place with that may be just first seeing what you can do to NOT feel guilty about you being your own person with your own sexuality, and exploring that sexuality on your own.

Really, it doesn't tend to work long-term for someone to have their sexuality be something someone else always has to answer or provide for: people need at least some autonomy there to really feel at home in their sexuality and also to be able to come to sexual relationship (and be in them) with some sense of what they, themselves, want and need. Another person can't answer all of one person's own sexuality, where their whole sexuality is "taken care of" by that other person. (This is why, for example, many people, if not most, still masturbate or fantasize within even sexual relationships they feel very satisfied with.) So, both now, and certainly in the long-term this is really the start of working any of this out.

How do you feel about making a commitment to doing that, including doing things like setting aside real time and energy to start to learn about and explore your own sexuality, through things like reading to get more information, journaling, exploring fantasy in your own head, masturbation (which doesn't have to start or only be about your genitals if you first feel more comfortable with other kinds of self-touch with your body), etc?

In fact, how about taking time away from the sexual relationship with HIM and instead putting that same time into the one with yourself? Not only is that not avoiding these issues, I think that actually is the sounder focus right now, since it's basically a sort of ground zero with our sexualities and sexual lives we need to build on in interactions with others it seems you don't have to build on.

I also do want to add a couple of things frankly, and hopefully with as much sensitivity as I intend. My apologies if I misstep and tread on vulnerable places for you too heavily.

A sexual relationship starting with sexual assault, abuse or coercion -- and now I hear you saying there were also years of lying -- is rarely going to be something people just "get over." It also is pretty much never -- and I'm being generous, here -- not going to inform the dynamics of that relationship, sexually and otherwise, in at least some way, if not in some big ways. So, I'd encourage you to perhaps dig a bit deeper with all of that and really think about the part the way this all started has played and may play still. For instance, I hear you voicing that you have a hard time making an emotional connection with sex with this person. That doesn't surprise me, because we are going to tend to be very emotionally guarded with sex with anyone who has shown us we are not safe with them, which coercion is a clear demonstration of.

I'd also say things starting this way (as well as this person being your only partner ever, with you not really even having had yourself as a partner before or currently) has probably played a big part in a sexual life together and dynamic that has likely been much more driven by him that you. Same goes for you continuing to try and make sex be something you do when you are clearly saying here it is not something you feel you want: that was the script right from the start, and it does not sound like it has changed much.

I do hear you being real that you think this has had adverse effects, and I've little doubt it has. At the same time, I also hear what sounds like diminishing this. So, I'd suggest spending some more time and thought around that.

I'd also like to take what you have posted here about your feelings with sex in this relationship in terms of some words you have used or feelings you have expressed and reflect them back at you:
• Bored
• Tired
• Pressured
• Fed up
• Emotionally disconnected
• Don't want
• Not in the mood
• Uninspired
• Lost

Given those words and feelings, when I read and hear them, I think "It sounds like she -- or this relationship as a sexual relationship -- is just done."

Now, obviously, because you're asking for help here, you don't feel done yourself, but I wonder if you have an idea about what would MAKE you go, "Yeah, I'm done," or "Yeah, this part of our relationship has played itself out," if NOT feelings like this? In other words, if you set aside the fact that -- if I am hearing you right -- you feel like to have another kind of relationship with this person there has to be a sexual component (btw, hint: there doesn't -- people co-parent or have marriages that aren't also sexual relationships), what do you feel IS your motivation, if any, to try and stay in a sexual relationship with this person, given how you have been feeling about it AND given that it sounds like right from the start, it being a sexual relationship wasn't something you even wanted or initiated yourself?

Lastly, here's a big toughie: do you think it's at all possible you are wanting to stay in this because you feel like after years of being treated poorly, to the point it sounds like you may be describing some abuse dynamics, you have "earned" being treated better by this person, and need to stay in this, or in some aspects of the relationship, to compensate for that, or somehow validate the years you spent suffering in this? I know that's a rough question, but please know I'm attaching no judgments to it, whatever your answer. Three years or more is a very long time to be in what it sounds like you are describing here, and it is not uncommon for people to literally get Stockholm Syndrome or something like it, where they feel very connected to, and like they cannot separate themselves from, someone who abused or otherwise mistreated them.

[Heather]

Am I also getting it right, by the way, that you are saying that where things changed per feeling connected was when you understood what was really going on, and that those initial feelings of connection you thought you were feeling were actually NOT connection at all, but you being pressured and manipulated, also based on your youth and lack of life experience and understanding to get what was healthy and what wasn't, and what was real intimacy and what was not?

So, in other words, then you'd be saying there have, in fact, never been any real, honest feelings of earnest connection and intimacy for you?

[pinkpanther93]

Heather, thank you for taking the time to post such a detailed response. I'll try to hit on every point as best I can.

I think I can begin by committing to setting aside real time and energy to start to learn about and explore my own sexuality.

Now, I'd like to give my boyfriend some credit here. I understand where you're coming from and I will admit that he did abuse me emotionally and it had a permanent impact on me, as one would expect. I am not making excuses for him and he knows how badly he mistreated me, but he truly did change. I consider myself one of the lucky ones because I believe that I am one of few people who would've stuck it out in a relationship with someone like him that has actually recieved results of change for the better. For the past 2 years, he has been nothing but the best boyfriend he can be and my friends and family see that now - constantly telling me how lucky I am and how they wish they had someone like him in their life and for that I am so grateful. However, because he changed into such a wonderful person, one I was not used to, it was hard for me to accept this and not worry about it being a facade, but I've stuck it out this far and it has been more than worth it.

On your further comments about a sexual relationship, I guess in all honesty at the moment, I don't really want sex. However, I want TO WANT to have sex. I believe that the intimacy we can gain from a sexual relationship, and us taking the steps to have a healthy sexual relationship, will make us stronger, as has everything else we've been through together. That is my motivation.

I completely understand where you're coming from with the comment on the section with the Stockholm Syndrome and I have considered all the thoughts you have presented there multiple times throughout the past and I think that maybe when I initially took him back, it was for the wrong reasons, I wanted to get revenge and I did - I treated him poorly, pointed out his faults, and was bitter towards him. He stuck by me through that phase and I was finally able to reflect on my actions and realize that I did not want to stoop to his level and that he truly wanted to have a real relationship with me so I moved past that phase and gave him a chance.

As to your last question, there have been real feelings of intimacy, aside from the sexual relationship, we have a connection as people. He is my rock and knows that I need and when. Without him, I don't know if I could have succeeded in everything I have done up to this point in my life. There is something there that is real, I think it has the potential to grow into something bigger, but it's definitely there.

[Heather]

Thanks for being so candid.

So, don't mean to do reruns here, but can we circle back, in light of all this discussion, and revisit if you DO actually want a sexual relationship with this person?

Not if you want to want to - which, about anything, is usually something that describes feeling like one should want something, or like they have to to get something else - but if you feel a real desire and want for that with this person?

In the event the answer there, btw, is that you are not sure, I think this is one of those things shifting the focus to your own sexuality, and your sex life by yourself may clarify. Too, if you feel up to now like a sexual partner is needed to essentially answer your sexuality, learning how to have one by yourself, for yourself, may make it a lot easier to figure that out, because that will challenge any feeling that a partner, or this one, is a have-to for you to be a sexual person or feel sexually satiated.

After all, if we simply do not feel like we even really know our own sexual selves, apart from others, it is very hard to make choices that really require that we do.

[pinkpanther93]

Heather, yes, I would like to be able to have a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I want to be able to experience that with him beyond the physical aspect of it, but as of now, I'm not sure of it, so I get what you're saying with exploring my own sexuality.

Thank you so much for all your insight. It has been very helpful.