Scarleteen

Hey fellow Scarleteeners!

Although I am not a new member to this site, my old username must have been deleted so I've had to create a new account. Although it has been several years since I have been on this site, I have been experiencing an issue for quite some time, and I knew that my fellow members could give me an honest answer

I have been in the same relationship for the past 7 years, and am due to get married in September. We've had our ups and downs with several moves, job changes, financial struggles, typical relationship arguments and bantering. However, for the last 3-4 years I have been experiencing absolutely NO libido. Zero. Zip. NADA. I am 29, my fiance is 30. We have a very strong relationship and are very happy. I started the patch when I was 16, and around 25 or 26 I switched to the NuvaRing, which is when I noticed the change in my libido. We have tried to have sex many times in the last 3-4 years, however, technically, I have to say that we haven't had sex in probably 3 years. I say technically because he has tried to insert his penis and it is incredibly painful. I know that birth control and antidepressants can be a cause for my problem, however antidepressants are imperative in my life.

We have tried a lot of foreplay, role playing, porn, massages, multiple lubricants, self stimulation, toys, multiple sex positions, communication during sex, vaginal creams, reading erotica together, oral sex, aphrodisiacs, couples therapy, individual therapy, nothing has worked. I experience no arousal whatsoever, and I don't find other men attractive either. I'm also up to date on my annual exams and have no problems. I love him to death and cannot wait to marry him, however marriage is for life, and I do not want this to continue for the rest of our lives. He is understanding about it, but I know that he is equally frustrated about not being able to have sex. I also feel that because of this problem, our relationship is really starting to strain; we have started to lose our emotional connection to each other. I am an extremely sexual person, I love sex and being able to orgasm (I really hate saying it like that, but it's true) and for me to not be able to achieve this, or him to help me achieve this, is incredibly frustrating. We would like to try conceiving a child within our first year of marriage, and I will be going off of birth control to make this happen, but it's hard if I won't be able to figure out what's going on. I've heard of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, but heard that it's mostly aimed towards post-menopausal women although I'm sure any childbearing age can get this.

Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks

Hi Ashley,

It sounds like you've tried a lot of the things most people would recommend, so it sounds frustrating to feel as though you're not having any success. If your doctors have ruled out a physical cause, have you tried looking at all for a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual issues? Too, in the things you've tried, how has manual sex gone for you?

In the interim, something you may want to concentrate on is intimacy between you and your fiancee rather than arousal. That might help with the feeling that your losing your emotional connection to each other, as well as help you find ways to link that connection to things that aren't sexual. This article has a lot of information on how to do that: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

Thanks for your response. I have also had difficulty with manual sex. I don't have any arousal and I seem to get annoyed with touching myself, and in the past this has not been a problem. i think my main problem is that since I'm so sexually frustrated and want to orgasm, I'm solely focused on that which makes me annoyed when I can't. Maybe I'm concentrating too much on the end result, I'm not sure. We have both gone to a therapist that specializes in sexual issues however the ideas they've given have already been mentioned in my post. Me and my fiance have focused strictly on intimacy as well; spending extra quality time together, going on dates or taking stay-cations to help bring that intimacy back but to no avail. Thanks for the article, I will read into it.

It seems to me that your best approach to all of this might first be to start just with you and your own sexuality and THEN move unto this as an issue in your relationship.

In other words, is your sexual relationship -- or even just your sensual relationship -- with yourself any better? Can you enjoy being sexual or sensual with yourself without being goal-oriented (AKA, without being so focused on orgasm, desire or having other specific responses)? If not, if that doesn't change, how this all is in your relationship can't. And if that's crappy, it may be what's more at the root of all this than anything else.

I have gained a little bit of weight since I started on antidepressants. It could be that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin like I used to, and I do feel that he sees me as unattractive. He says I'm beautiful everyday, so I think it might be geared to my own lack of self confidence. My sexual relationship with myself is gone. I might need to re-focus on what I need rather than focusing on what I want; once I can figure this out it might be smooth sailing.

I certainly think that's one valid way to come at this: you know you, and your whole history, best, so you're the person most likely to know what ways of approaching this are going to be most likely to work for you, as well as having the best sense of all the pieces that may be fueling this for you.

It might be helpful to think about and look into what you can just start doing to get back in good graces with your own body. Weighing more doesn't have to mean a bad relationship with our bodies, since we can have a good relationship with a body that is any given size or shape. What can -- this is rhetorical, you don't have to answer here if you don't want -- you think of that might help you create a good relationship with the body you have right now in your life? What can you think of that might help you, all by yourself, get back in touch with your sensuality and sexuality, and provide you experiences with either you enjoy, just for their own sake?

Thank you Heather. The only thing I can think of off the top of my head, is to start working out again. Yoga or Pilates etc. I know that we should be able to love our bodies regardless of our size, but I've never weighed as much as I do now, so I'm not used to it. I've always been around 125 and now I'm 160. I do know that when I was working out all the time I had a lot less anxiety and stress, I felt sexual and my sex life was amazing. I was trying new things all the time, that have now become non-existent. This may be what I need to get back to the person I was. Rebuild the relationship with myself, and then work on my relationship with my fiance.

Sounds good! My best advice when going to exercise/activity route is just to do what you can to choose forms of exercise or other movement you also enjoy emotionally, and have components to them -- or are all about this for you, full-stop -- that really support a positive self-image and overall sense of self.

In other words, affirming yoga or dancing around in a way that makes you giggle = good. Scary boot camp trainers who put you down while you're working out or gyms that make you feel like you died and went to hell = bad.

I don't know if it's a common problem. I'm 16 and I've had sort of the same problem and thought something was wrong with me for a little while. I mean, I'm not as sexually active as I think I'm ready for (I guess all teen boys though), and since I hit puberty I've masturbated quite a lot. But it's only within the last several months that I just don't care anymore and I at first thought something was wrong with me. Porn wasn't interesting to me, and I just didn't really care for it. Hard to tell my parents that, but I asked my Doctor and he told me it's just something that happens to people sometime. That it's normal for people. A change in diet, a change in my life, or activity level does it. Maybe part of whats happening is the stress of the marriage getting to you? I got active, started eating better and just didn't watch porn as much and my libido came back.