Should i?

[Audryll]

So, I have been talking with this guy for a few months now,online. He's older, awesome,he's always been there for me and very cheerful. He's been asking me out lately and getting in his car. He wants to call later. Should I tho? My friend tried to pull me back but I think I know he's who he say he is(?) I don't know...I know there's risk but he seems like a legit person.

[Heather]

As I recall, you're fresh off a very recent breakup, right? If so, and this is about dating or being sexual with this person, you may want to take some more time first. Rebounding rarely goes or ends well for anyone. You also have a lot on your plate just trying to deal with all the struggles you've had with abuse and in dealing with its aftermath: I think focusing on you for a while, and not potentially putting yourself in anything romantic or sexual while you take some time to heal emotionally and get good support in that might be a good thing for you.

If your friend is suggesting you be careful with this person, any sense of why? What specifically has her concerned?

[Audryll]

i dont know...myabe because he's someone i met online(?) but we chatted tho

[Karyn]

It's always a good idea to be cautious meeting up with someone we've only interacted with online, but it sounds like you know that.

Personally, I agree with Heather that the key thing here isn't the fact that you met this person online or his age or any of that, but that you have a lot to deal with at the moment, and it's probably sound to take some time for yourself right now and work on your own healing rather than diving into another potential romantic or sexual relationship.

[Audryll]

hmm okay..

[Audryll]

wait...this is only for users ages 15 to 25?

[Sam W]

Hi Audryll,

That's our target age range, but being 14 means you're welcome here as well. Are there more things that you'd like to talk about or ask us questions about right now?

[Heather]

I do want to just give you some basics when it comes o things like internet-meetup safety and how predatory people can act four you to consider in decisions like this.

I don't know what "older" means (in other words, I don't know how old this guy is), but adults seeking out minors online and then asking for things like personal information (your phone number) and asking minors out is almost always very bad news. Adults even hanging out in chat spaces where minors are is a red flag, and an adult asking you to go somewhere alone with them, or interact with them privately in some way is similarly shady.

An adult who is NOT being predatory won't usually do any of that. Instead, they won't want to be involved with minors like that, but with their own peers, and will recognize that minors are vulnerable, and not seek to do anything that could exploit that vulnerability, or take advantage of the fact that many young people don't have a good sense of what healthy boundaries they should expect from older people. If a minor asked an older adult to do things like come and take them out or call them, an adult acting appropriately would decline, and probably also tell you that it's not safe to be alone with adults you don't know, so you should know not to ask that or ever do that should an adult ask you online for personal info or to go out with them alone. Inviting a minor to do things like that generally tells us an adult probably isn't safe.

If this person is asking you to meet with them alone socially, in any way, without your parents with you, then what is most likely happening is that they have sought you, or someone like you, out to exploit. You've got a history that's going to make it harder to see when someone isn't being appropriate -- any of us with abuse history, especially before we have gotten any qualified help with that, and gotten out of homes or other situations where any abuse is still ongoing, has that handicap -- and that also means that predatory people are likely to see that, because if they want to be predatory, they kind of blindness with boundaries is an open door. Make sense?

[Audryll]

yeah i guess....he says he's 17 tho

[Heather]

Okay. Wasn't sure how older we were talking.

If he is asking you to meet him, and that's something you want to do, why not meet him with your friend with the concerns? Bringing someone you know is very cautious about things like this is perfect, really, because you know that person is going to be very watchful and observant.

But again, if this is about more than friendship, my best advice would be to take a break from dating right now, or pursuing that, and instead focus on getting safer in your life and on your own healing. Especially since you *just* had a breakup, and a big break between relationships is always the best way to go, for anyone.

[Audryll]

hmm i think ill stop dating for a while he's turmimg 18 next month why cant i have a normal relationship

[Heather]

What's a "normal relationship?"

In other words, what do you mean when you say that: what exactly do you want and envision as ideal?

Getting what you want in relationships usually starts with figuring out what you want and being really clear on it. Once we are, it's much easier to see the things we can do -- and the things we shouldn't -- that make it more likely in time for us to find and get what we want.

[Audryll]

i dont knw....just like everyone else?

[Heather]

The thing is, relationships are as diverse as people are, so there isn't one way we all do them or one way all our relationships are like.

And what we are looking for and want also varies. So, the way to figure out what's right for us is to look at ourselves and our own lives, and ask what WE want. If and when we have no idea, that can be a cue that we need to spend more time getting to know ourselves before seeking out something new with something else. After all, if we don't know what we want, we can't ask someone else for what that is, and that basically leaves us in a spot where what we GET is mostly or only determined by someone else. Not the way to get the good stuff!

Does that make sense?

[Audryll]

a little i guess..

[Heather]

Maybe it's a good time to ask how we can help you with any of the things we've been talking with you about?

[Audryll]

yeah and why is healin so hard

[Heather]

Good question.

One thing that makes it a LOT harder is still being IN where you were abused, or with people who have enabled or dismissed that abuse, who still do, or who take part in it some way themselves. So, the good news is that when you can get yourself away from a home that isn't treating you with care, and where you are NOT still in harm's way in some way, I can promise you that while healing will still be challenging, it will get a whole lot easier.

It's also much harder without qualified help. I don't know how it's gone for you seeking that out so far, but if you can find some of it in person, and take part, that'll make it a lot easier too.

But on the whole, healing is hard because the impacts of abuse and other trauma can be huge and touch all the parts of our lives and who we are. Think about abuse or other trauma like an earthquake that hit the block you live on very hard. That earthquake had massive force, and so its impacts will tend to be equally massive. Picking up after an earthquake and starting again tends to take a lot of time, is emotionally difficult, and isn't something we're likely to be able to do without a great deal of help and support.

I understand that this is tough, and that it is frustrating to have to do work to heal from something you didn't even choose, but others did TO you, against your will. It's not in any way fair, but it certainly beats the alternative: NOT doing what we can and need to to heal keeps us from our lives and living them, and keeps the abuse hurting us for all of our lives.

[Audryll]

okay..

[Sam W]

Given what Heather said (and I know sometimes that information can be a lot to take in at once), what do you think would be a way we could help you out right now?

[Audryll]

i dont know.. i REALLY dont. know.

[Redskies]

That's okay.

Maybe I can make a suggestion, then? We've talked before about your house not being a very safe place, and how you - how everyone - deserves to be safe. It's also sounding like continuing to be in an unsafe place is maybe keeping you stuck feeling crappy and not knowing how to move forward. What about looking at some possible options for getting you safer? I know that the idea of reporting has been scary for you, and it's okay, I'm not asking you to do that right this minute or anything Whenever we're dealing with a serious situation in our life, or considering making a significant decision, a really good and helpful thing to do is to get some information first. Do you feel up to gathering some information about what options are available to you, what different processes might look like, what you might expect if you chose those options?

[Audryll]

okay

[Redskies]

Sure thing.

I know that you're aware of at least one helpline where you are, and that you've been using an online therapy service. Can I ask how long you've been using that service, and what (if any) resources or helplines that therapy organisation has suggested to you? Have you already looked at or spoken with any organisations in Malaysia or Kl?

(I'm asking that so we know what point you're at at the moment. I know it can be very annoying if someone tells you something you already know, and I don't want to do that to you )

[Audryll]

yeah