Scarleteen

oh man, idk where to even begin. basically, i'm trying to figure out what labels feel good for me and everything's just kinda "????" for me, and i'm trying to figure out how to be okay with that (there's a TL;DR at the bottom of this post if no one wants to read all my ramblings below).

like, I understand logically-speaking that I don't need to label myself as anything really, but my issue isn't so much that as it is this other thing. usually, in conversations I identify as "queer" first and foremost, and that feels really good for me. and then pansexual and bisexual tend to come after that if people ask me more. but a lot of times, I feel this pressure to be more "specific" in how I identify outside of just saying "queer", if that makes any sense?

as in, sometimes (mainly with cis lesbians, though not all of course) I'll notice if I say I'm "queer" sometimes I'll run into this question of like "oh, well what do you mean by that?" with the question underneath that being like "are you gay or bi or ???" and that's a question I've been tossing around in my brain a lot lately. like, a lot.

I used to feel a lot more attraction to men a few years ago, but now I'm having a hard time picturing myself in a romantic relationship with one. I noticed that this shift happened not long after I was stalked by a dude a couple years ago, and that's probably part of my uneasiness around getting that close to men, but it's also just that the thought of being in a hetero-relationship isn't super appealing to me...? but yet I still find some boys to be super cute sometimes, and because I've found boys and non-binary folks to be attractive, that's why I don't personally identify as lesbian. but yet I also know women who identify with being lesbian and who describe very similar attraction patterns to my own (which basically speaks to diversity in sexuality and all that jazz).

essentially, as I mentioned at the top: I just wanna learn to be okay with being like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about how I label my sexuality, but I guess it's hard for me since I feel a sort of sense of obligation to stick with the label "bisexual" since I've had it for a while and I feel like biphobia might be partly why I'm questioning a change in how I label myself. or maybe it's not, who knows? but since my attraction is split up like: 90% people who aren't men and 10% men (lately if I do like men they're usually not cis straight dudes), idk if "bisexual" or even "pansexual" sits as well with me anymore, since I don't know if I like enough dudes for it to "count" for me to use those labels (though I acknowledge that other folks with any combination or percentages of attraction -- or however one tries to quantify something that's basically impossible to quantify -- can identify however they want!) like, basically all of the people I go on dates with now are not men and I don't have a particularly strong interest in going out with men.

I hope it's clear that in this whole post, I'm mainly talking about my own comfort, or lack thereof, with using certain labels for myself and not at all trying to make commentary on how other folks "should" ID or anything like that. i'm very much not into identity policing.

TL;DR - i'm having some shifts in what sexuality labels I use for myself and I feel like I'm overthinking it (as I do with basically everything) and I'm just trying to figure out what to do with all these feelings and questions and internal ramblings. the most accurate descriptor for me besides queer would be like "lesbian-ish but also dudes can be really cute sometimes" and I basically feel weird about ditching "bi" even though that term doesn't feel the most comfy for me anymore

wow, almost like the universe wanted to chime in! here's a post about this topic that just appeared on my facebook timeline haha http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?s ... ry_index=0

Hi musicnerd,

I'm not sure I have much advice other that it's okay to keep exploring, and it's okay to feel unsure. We do see here people who are unsure if they are bi or pan because of the percentages, and honestly it's up to each individual to figure out how those translate to an identity (since nobody else gets to say "ah yes, you passed the bi percentage marker, here is your badge"). I will say that, for me, queer has been a really helpful label as I try to figure out what the heck is going on with my attraction patterns, since if nothing else it captures the "I dunno, but certainly not straight" that I feel.

I do wonder - and generally, not just about you - whether calling these things and thinking of them as "labels" makes it harder to figure out and deal with things like this. If we're thinking of something as a label, we're probably trying to sum up the entirety of what we are in one or two words - which is always impossible, really. Instead, it's a descriptor, a word, which tries to usefully communicate some aspect of ourself. So it's not "what am I?", it's "what do I most want to communicate?"

(I'm really not a fan of the whole "label" concept or terminology at all. Nope, no-one needs labels. We do sometimes need words to describe a particular aspect of our self or life.)

Biphobia and internalized biphobia are always a thing, no matter what, I think, so it's probably best to just go with whatever seems most right to you. Trying to second-guess ourselves - even when we're being very conscious and trying to be very true to our own self - about the possible impact of biphobia seems like a whole extra second level of impact, and I dunno, i think we can cut ourselves a break

People are really all over the map per what word/s they feel work for them. There are people who have a very even split attraction-wise who choose to self-describe as lesbian because that's the truest thing for their particular life, choices and/or community; and people who have very rare attractions to one gender and describe themself as bi, because that's the truest thing for their experience of their own self and life. it's all okay! If the way you experience your orientation now is very different than what it used to be, but bi still felt right for you, that would be fine - there's no "enough" of attraction to or dating a particular gender to "qualify" as bi Equally, if bi no longer feels right or expresses what you want to express, that's fine too - orientation and/or life choices can change, and you don't owe the term or us bi folk anything! If you feel like your orientation has shifted over time - or that the way you choose to act on it and how you prioritize it has shifted - then it would make sense if a word that felt right before no longer felt right, and you certainly don't have any obligation to stick with a word that expressed your orientation well in the past, but doesn't any more.

Queer can mean so many different things - I think that's part of its beauty! - but with such a broad meaning, there are times when it makes sense for someone to ask further. (Of course, there are also times when it's just "ehhhh, Nope". Feel free to deflect those people!) But if queer's your chosen description, it's pretty silly for anyone to ask for a different word - you just told them! You don't have to respond with a more specific word if there isn't one that feels right to you; if someone's asking and it feels non-skeezy, it's an option to enlarge with something like "I'm mostly interested in women".

Hey there,

personally, I don't think my sexual orientation is really many people's business. If someone were to ask outright (which hardly ever happens), I would say "bi", because nearly everyone has heard that term and knows what it means. It doesn't fully describe my sexual identity, but it is enough to give a general idea.

If you feel comfortable just identifying as queer, then that's just fine. You're queer, period.

It sounds, though, as if you are talking about labeling yourself for people you are dating or might consider dating, and I understand that in this context, you might need to be more specific. But it should be okay if you just described to them how you feel without being able to summarize that in one word.

I don't have a really good name for my sexual identity either, in case that makes you feel better. In my profile here, I wrote "fluid", because I feel like it changes and shifts a bit with time, but basically, all I know is that I am not attracted to the majority of the human population and that gender doesn't seem to influence whom I am attracted to. It's all very theoretical, anyway... I am in this long-term exclusive relationship with a guy and that's fine (more than fine), so it doesn't really have that much impact on my daily life who else I might be interested in. (I asked him once what he thought the common factor was for people I am attracted to, and he said it was "individuality". So I am what, "individuasexual"?)