How to Explain Past to New Partner? (Trigger Warning)

[IthilienDude]

Hi all,

First of all, thank you to all who helped me out with my last post: all of the support was very helpful, and greatly appreciated. Since my last post, where I was trying to sort out how I felt about my sexuality in general, I visited my local Rape Crisis Centre. Unfortunately for me, they have a waiting list of 12 months. Luckily, though, I found that my choir leader was more than happy to listen to me and get me to talk about things. I now have a better understanding of myself, and of how much trauma there really is to work through.

Now that I have a better understanding of how dysfunctional I am sexually, but I don't have any resources to help me sort it out, I'm having to do a lot of self healing: books, prayer, etc. But one question that keeps coming up for me is how do I even begin to bring up the topic of past abuses with a new partner?

If I meet someone nice, and we date, and it all goes well, how does one time such a conversation? How do you introduce it? How much detail does one have to go into? I find the whole scenario so overwhelming, and it's holding me back from enjoying my dating life as I should. (There's a lovely guy who rents the office next to me who I'd love to ask out for a coffee, but my brain just spins out of control when I think about it, and it frustrates me).

Can anyone help me out with this?

[Onionpie]

Hi IthilienDude. It seems as though you're very concerned about when you "should" tell a partner your history of abuse, what you "should" say, how much detail you "have to" go into. But the thing is, there ARE no "should"s or "have to"s. It's YOUR history, YOUR life, and YOUR relationships, so you get to choose when you feel comfortable telling people this information. It's also pretty hard to think about this stuff when it's so completely abstract -- you mentioned that you're not actually dating anyone at the moment, correct? So, not having been in the situation yet, it must feel as though you would have no idea when to bring it up or what to say.

However, when you've been dating someone for a little while, you will know when you feel comfortable enough to talk to them about your history. There is no set time for when you should do it, and there is no exact situation that is the perfect time to bring it up, but when you know and trust someone enough to feel comfortable telling them, you'll be able to sense that and you'll be able to sense when a good time to bring it up is. You don't have to go into any more detail than you feel comfortable doing, as well. So what it'll look like depends totally on what you feel comfortable saying at the time

Does that make sense?

[IthilienDude]

Onionpie,

Thank you for your response.

I am not dating anyone yet, no, but the fear of the what-if is holding me back. I've had a few opportunities to date, but have deliberately passed them up because I haven't felt in the right place. I do, however, really like my coworker and would like to date him, so something inside me must be working again

The thing that I find tricky about the whole scenario is gauging how much information a partner would be willing to hear: how much information is TMI, as it were? I wouldn't want to upset him/her by overloading him/her with info that they didn't want to hear or need to know.

[Onionpie]

I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel at a better place!

I understand your worry about not wanting to overwhelm someone. I can tell you're a very considerate person for being concerned about that. But once you're actually dating someone, you will be getting to know them and so you will be getting to know how much detail they would be able to handle, and how much you would be willing to tell them. It's going to be really personal, both based on what you yourself are comfortable with, and based on your relationship with that other person. Each person is going to be different, but that will be okay because you will KNOW what they're able to listen to, and what you're willing to share. It's really important to have open communication with partners, so if you make sure to keep communication open with people you're dating, it will be easy to say to them that they're allowed to tell you if something is too much for them, and they will feel comfortable telling you that

[Redskies]

Oof, 12 months' wait is a long time! Services like that are too often in a lot of demand But I'm so very glad you found someone who's been helpful and supportive to talk with. Go choir leader!

Kind of an aside to what you're specifically asking about in this thread, but as you're running into long waiting times, I wondered if you might be interested in some books or resources that help people look at some of things you've been talking about? If you are, I'm sure we can suggest a few books to you. Things I've particularly noticed you talking about so far are having boundaries, a right to those boundaries, and saying no; and sexual relationships, and boundaries in sexual relationships - anything you'd change or add to that?

Back to what you were asking here! I don't think that abuse as a topic should be a taboo subject, or a "yikes-should-I-mention-this-or-is-it-too-much" subject. I think it's always okay to make a fairly short, general statement about past experiences, and to talk about your needs and expectations for the here-and-now and for the future, no matter where those needs came from. Yes, sometimes some people get uncomfortable just at the mention of abuse, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't ever mention it: having to recognise that bad things exist is kind of an automatic result of living on this earth.

If you want to talk about it in any more detail with someone, the good news is, you don't have to do very much gauging of how much they can or can't handle. Whenever we want to talk about something heavy/traumatic/distressing, or we simply want to be very us-centred for half an hour sounding off about something in our life , the thing to do is ask that person's permission first. Something like "I'd like to talk more about _ / I'd like to tell you more about what happened/ I'd like to talk more about how I felt; would that be alright with you?"

To illustrate what I mean a bit, let's say you'd been involved in a natural disaster. It would always be appropriate to say to someone (for example) "I was involved in Storm Storm and it was a very bad and frightening experience, and it still affects me sometimes. I get scared and am really not at my best when it's very windy, and I don't like to go near the coast when there are big waves." What you wouldn't want to do is to start describing horrible things you saw or details of how you felt without checking and asking the person first. You can ask their permission, and then they decide where their own boundaries are. You don't have to take on the extra work of trying to figure that out for them Of course, any time we're talking about anything with someone and something starts seeming very wrong, it's a good idea to do a quick check-in with them.

Does that make sense and help you out some?

[Heather]

I'd also pitch in a reminder that abuse, of any kind, tends to result in us being taught to discount or dismiss our intuitive instincts.

But that's not because they aren't good, it's because we can't really be abused over time if we are trusting and following them.

So, with any if this, I would also encourage you to try to gain back some trust in those instincts and let them guide you. You will have feelings about when to tell and what to tell, and to whom: they can give you a lot of help and information when it comes to this stuff.

[IthilienDude]

Thank you all for your responses! I've been quite busy at work, hence the delayed reply.

Onionpie,
Thanks you! I suppose playing it by ear and gauging the situation is a good route to take. I also believe open communication is important, but I've only ever dated partners who put up big barriers around certain topics, and talking to them about anything was like walking on eggshells. I wouldn't know what open communication looks like!

Redskies,
I would be interested in those resources you mentioned! Those subjects you mentioned are pretty much spot on. I've been researching books on communication skills and self-help books (you've probably gathered that help in Ireland is hard to come by and mostly ineffective). That approach of layers of information makes sense to me.

Heather,
I agree; I find that I don't tend to trust my gut instincts on things, and my social anxiety gets between me and thinking clearly. I find my mind goes 90 when any doubt is present, and then I can't tell if my doubt is just exaggerated by my anxiety, or if it's actually accurate. It's hard to get clarity sometimes.

Overall update: I went on a date, and it went really well. He seems like a nice interesting guy who's seen a lot and had a bit of life experience. I'd just hate to freak him out, is all, because I quite like him. I have difficulty making physical contact with people now, especially ones I'm interested in, and the full extent of my dysfunction has kinda made itself obvious to me recently and I don't like it. I used to be very warm and friendly and now I'm quite hesitant to even hug people.

[Sam W]

Hi ithiliendude,

Hope you don't mind my jumping in here as well. Hooray for having a good date!

With the physical contact, something that might help to remember is that people have different levels of comfort with being touched that aren't tied to abuse. The reason I mention that is that sometimes, especially if your brain is prone to worry, it can feel as though any of your actions are a giant banner reading "hello, I was abused" to people. But most people will simply assume that you're not a touchy feely person, and that they don't know you well enough for you to feel comfortable with any level of intimate touch

Now, when it comes to people you do want to touch (and who want to touch you). The two of you can have a conversation about boundaries, and in that conversation it's okay to say "I would like to take this slow" or let them know that you might need to call a time out. It's up to your what kind of explanation you give (often, you don't need to give any or something like "this is what I'm comfortable with right now" will work). Some people find that those conversations give them a window to talk about what happened in the past (Redskies storm conversation example works well in those moments), others would rather save that talk for another time. Regardless, someone who is a good partner (or friend) will be okay with those boundaries around touch.

[IthilienDude]

Sam W,

Thank you for your response!

This is true, and you make a good point about it being more of a casual given then a declaration. I would prefer to take things slowly with whomever I do end up going out with, not just for physical comfort, but also to give the relationship room to grow more naturally without having to backtrack at any point.

I think it's about learning how to be assertive but not overly confrontational. I tend to leave things for ages and then blow up over them, rather than address them little and often. I'm not a very temperate person! XD

[Heather]

Ha! Sounds Irish. (That's not a jab, more an empathetic gallows humour chortle. Sure see a lot of that in the Irish half of my own family.)

I find with that, it's helpful to try and get a sense of what you're scared of, or trying to protect, by not being assertive and upfront when something is smaller.

For example, let's say someone is dating someone who keeps misgendering them. But they like this person, and they also are just getting their feet wet when it comes to putting the gender identity that's theirs out there with people. So, they don't say anything, and only finally blow up when it just happens one too many times and they can't take it anymore.

They were perhaps scared of that person reacting poorly and/or not wanting to see them anymore. They perhaps were trying to protect themselves by not standing up for themselves in a way that they felt very vulnerable doing. They might have been scared of the other person not respecting their right to be gendered correctly, or of arguing with them about that right. They might have been trying to protect the idea of them as more relaxed about something they're not relaxed about; to protect the other person's idea of them as someone easygoing.

If and when we can figure out what's under our not being more assertive -- and right now, I'm talking situationally, but obviously, if not being assertive is a constant thing, in all situations, looking at the bigger picture is also important -- I find it's easier to work out how to make progress with that and take baby steps to do it, and to avoid the almost-inevitable giant blowup that happens when you keep filling a bottle with pressure.

[IthilienDude]

Heather,

Yes, I remember you mentioning your Irish heritage before! I would now do the stereotypically Irish thing of asking where your people are from and trying to find if we have anyone in common, but this is not the platform for that obviously! XD

I hear what you're saying. I actually do understand why I have difficulty with asserting myself (due to early ongoing childhood trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics), but it's still tricky to undo that kind of stuff. I feel pressured to appear super chill about everything, and to be compliant, accommodating, and to facilitate others. I was brought up to give everyone else's needs preference over my own, and often my autonomy was undermined by my parents.

As a culture, we're fairly non-confrontational, and anything that might incite conflict of any kind is avoided at all costs, which makes things very complicated if you're dating. From what I understand, in America it's a lot more cultural acceptable to ask girls/guys you find cute out on dates; here, that approach is deemed way too confrontational, and if you did it you'd be labelled a creep. Also, alcohol plays a huge part in dating: people don't feel they can be honest about their feelings unless they're drunk. Dating works more like: go to nightclub => get absolutely obliterated drunk => sleep with person you have crush on => wake up in 5 years married with kids.

(This guy I've recently been meeting with is actually American, oddly enough: it was refreshing for someone to be all "hey I like your jacket. Fancy a drink sometime?". I admire that kind of confidence. Irish boys just wouldn't dare.)

[Heather]

LOL! It's fine to ask. Both sides of my family have historically been very poor (and poor European, so we do the thing where we see if we're related to people like that, too), so that has limited what we know about whom further back, but per the most recent stuff we do know, we're mostly McDonnells and Sheehans, and county Clare.

Also, alcohol plays a huge part in dating: people don't feel they can be honest about their feelings unless they're drunk. Dating works more like: go to nightclub => get absolutely obliterated drunk => sleep with person you have crush on => wake up in 5 years married with kids.

Oh man, but yeah, sounds familiar. especially when the first of said kids usually happened with that third step there.

I wonder if you might think about all of this as what you can do to just take baby steps that might be a little outside your comfort zone and what you know, but not so far out it's debilitating for you or just doesn't feel like you, if you get me. Like, as an example, let's say you don't feel so chill about something you feel you should: a baby step that fits might be just saying something doesn't make you feel very comfortable, even if the reality is, you REAALY are not chill. A half-step like that can build some comfort for you over time, especially if you keep talking them more often, and getting a little more clear each time, so that in time, you feel more able to just say "Yeah, no: SO not okay, SO not chill."

In other words, maybe don't think about this as having to "undo" all the things or make some kind of fast and ginormous global change, but something more gradual and that might be a little uncomfortable, but nothing that is going to ultimately just shut you down rather than help you shift over time.

[IthilienDude]

County Clare? That's gas: that's where I'm from! My people are Clare, Limerick, and Wexford. Small, small world.

I think that's a good approach. It's funny: when I was a kid, the merest mention of being uncomfortable with something was a cardinal sin, so even making little bids is quite a daunting task for me. I'm easy pushed over in my work place, which makes my professional life quite complicated!

But yes, I agree that it's all baby steps. Just little and often. It'll take time, but I think I'll eventually get better at it ^_^

[Heather]

Maybe we're cousins.

Do you feel like there's any one environment where it feels a little less scary to take those baby steps: at work, with friendships, dating, family, or even just in everyday situations, like at the market?

[IthilienDude]

More than likely: everyone here is related in at least some small distant way XD

Well, I am getting better at being assertive at work, to be fair; and each time one starts dating someone new it's easier to start from scratch with new rules on how you'll behave with that person. But for me the biggest road block between me and being assertive is my family, as mentioned before. Which is super ultra hard because I work for the family business, I live in one of my parent's properties with my oldest brother and his girlfriend, and am kinda relying on my parents for funding me to go back to college. So, essentially, every door I go to to escape there's a family member in the way.

It's getting better, and now that I understand that I was taken advantage of in previous relationships because I'm so pliable I have a better idea of what to be looking out for.

[IthilienDude]

(Also, I have a technical question: If I have a thread here that's still ongoing, can I ask another question elsewhere that's not related to this topic?)

[Ashleah]

Yep! You can start a new thread.

[Onionpie]

Hey IthilienDude. It's awesome that you feel you're getting more assertive at work. And you're right that with more practise asserting boundaries in dating relationships, it does get easier. It's a slow progress but it IS progress! I totally hear you about being assertive around family being the hardest thing. I've found starting with being assertive around TEENY TINY THINGS, things that don't really have any weight behind them, to be a good way of trying to ease into being more assertive around family. You could pick one really small thing that you know happens fairly frequently, and choose to just carefully and quietly stand up for yourself more around that. Like not taking more food you're being offered when you're already full (although if the Irish are anything like the scots and the british, and I know they certainly can be, food is something that can be super weighted! It's as if you've just insulted their grandmother if you don't accept food you don't want! And then my mum wonders why our whole family is chubby, lol).

[IthilienDude]

Onionpie,

Haha! Yes, we as a nation of people are feeders, especially the women! I can't have anyone in my house without at least offering them some tea and a biscuit XD

Thank you all for your input! I think this issue has been vented effectively for now