Dating Someone Who Doesn't Speak the Same Language

[moonlight]

Hi everyone, long time no see.

So I'm on exchange in a Spanish speaking country and I speak only a teensy weensy bit of Spanish. I've quite recently started sort of dating someone here. I'm quite into him and he seems to be quite into me.

The big problem is that he doesn't speak English and that I have only been learning Spanish for 2 months. The language barrier is huge and I don't know what to do about it. We are teaching each other our languages, but until we gain more than basic fluency, I dont know what we can do.

Has anybody else here ever dealt with a language barrier in a relationship? How did you handle it?

Is it ill-advised to date someone I can't effectively converse with?

What should I do?

I really like this guy and hope we can make thingd work. I know it's early on, but I really want to see how far we can take this.

[Heather]

You know, in my own life, I've known plenty of couples who don't have the same native language, and who, when they started seeing each other, were not at all fluent in the other's language. It's certainly doable, and not something I'd personally say is ill-advised. Language is only one way we have to communicate, it doesn't have to be (and rarely is, even when people share the same language) the only way.

One thing to do is for both of you, if you're interested and want to, to take some extra classes to better learn each other's languages. This might all come faster for you, because you're somewhere where you are immersed in the language, and language immersion tends to be the best way to learn for a lot of people.

For now, what do you feel are the issues and challenges here? In other words, what can we help you with with this?

[moonlight]

I guess the biggest issue is that I have so much that I want to say to him and find out about him and I just don't know how to do all that without putting it into a translator, which is really tedious and doesn't always translate right.

I'm glad to hear you don't think this is ill-advised though.

[Heather]

I do think it's fair to say that both of you are going to have to put a LOT of energy and time into communication, including things like using reference books for translating and other translation tools. So, that bit is going to be about figuring out if the tediousness of that is worth what you get from it or not.

Perhaps obviously, you'll both also have to be really patient with it taking much longer to communicate things with each other, and get clear on what you're both trying to say. Again, you're just going to figure out as you go if that feels worth the benefits, or if that feels like more work than what you get out of it.

One extra help you might consider is gathering friends who are bilingual in English and Spanish to hang out with. That's good for both of you, and that person can also help bridge some gaps, like when you need help trying to say something that is just more nuanced than a translation tool is going to work for.

[Redskies]

Maybe it helps, too, to think that the way you get to know one another is just a bit different to how it is when people share a competent language. There'll actually likely be things that you'll find out faster in the situation you're in: you'll probably get a lot more information sooner about how the both of you teamwork and trouble-shoot, about how each of you behaves with the other when something feels a bit lost or confused, about how you each separately and together approach challenges. That's all valuable information to have, and it's a part of relationship-exploration and relationship-building with anyone. If people feel well-suited in these ways, that can be a meaningful amount of knowing each other, even if some other kinds of information that would more usually be there are still missing.

I'm not at all in the situation you describe - I'm competent at my second language and my partner is woahgood level of English, so "language barrier" would be absurdly inaccurate - but I am partnered with someone where we don't share a native language. We've had some muddles and ?????s and amusement and occasional misplaced upset or offence, especially around complex or tender subjects. I think I'd summarise (and particularly for earlier stages of dating/relationship, so, weeks/months not years): if something is lengthy or hard-going or frustrating to figure out, are you still having a good time together doing that and feeling that moment is where you want to be?

[moonlight]

Yes I'm having a good time with this, a great one to be exact. I guess nothing is ever easy, I just need to accept that this relationship, if I choose to continue pursuing it (which I do want to), will have some unique challenges.

Thank you for all the advice!

[moonlight]

Things with this guy have gotten, for lack of a better word, loco.

He has told me he loves me. It is not possible for him to even love me at this point, we have only been seeing each other for a week and have known each other a month.

Yet for some crazy reason, perhaps a reflex, I told him I love him too.

My friends say and perhaps rightly so that I need to be very wary of this guy. I cannot disagree. The country I am in is very impoverished and there are a fair number of locals who date foreigners just to try and obtain a green card. My friends think that this is what he is doing. Again I can't disagree.

Yet still I want to see him. I don't know for sure that he is only interested in me for my citizenship, and it only seems fair to give him the benefit of the doubt.

There have been other things my friends have warned me about, like getting raped by him and his friend. But they don't even really know him so this seems like fear mongering more than anything else.

I just do not like the direction this thing has taken and I don't know how to point it back in the direction of light and fluffy fun plus sex, or whether that is even possible.

[Heather]

I'd not presume he's out to try and get citizenship, and I'd actually be a bit cautious with those kinds of assumptions: meant or not, they're often xenophobic in origin, classist, or both. The raping-theory business sounds like discrimination to me, too. I don't think anyone needs to go to any of these places, whatever their basis or origin. (And I hope that what I've said here is something you can hear and take on without getting down on yourself: I know the last time we had a quasi-similar conversation, it was hard for you and didn't leave you feeling good about yourself. My intent isn't to shame you here, or otherwise make you feel bad.)

You're right, saying you love each other this soon, with so little clear communication IS loco, and even if neither of those kinds of things above are at play, and they probably aren't, it's not a way to go or go along with if you want something healthy. So, really, all you need to know is that such a fast move to "I love you" is reg flaggy no matter what, and would be just as much with someone of your own culture, where you live, who spoke the same language you did.

I certainly WOULD figure that people telling each other they love one another who aren't super-young -- read: middle school, or otherwise just very naive about what that means -- in a week of dating, and a week where both people are barely understanding each other, no less, is a very good signal to back things up, big time, and if you can't seem to, to vamoose from this.

What I'd suggest is that you set a hard line with this to pull it back. In a word, that you say something like, "I don't know why I said I also love you, but I don't, and you can't love me, either: we barely know each other. And I'm not comfortable with us saying that so soon. How about we take a break for a week or so, then regroup and start all over, without any of this?"

(Or -- and this is coming from someone with Spanish that's very rusty, and where I also needed to pull up my dictionary for some of it, so it's simple, and likely a bit rudimentary or clumsy: "Yo no te quiero, y no me puedo amar tan pronto, tampoco. No sé por qué lo dije. Lo siento. Ni siquiera se sabe muy bien entre sí. No es correcto decir que tan pronto. Vamos a tomar un descanso durante una semana o así, entonces empezar de nuevo como nueva?")

If he can't roll with that or responds poorly, I'd say you know it's time to say adios. If he responds well, and when y'all connect back in a week or so and he seems like he's behaving in ways -- and same goes for you -- that better match two people just starting to date who barely know each other, and it feels good for you? Then you go ahead and just see how it goes as it goes.

But I'd also put a vote in for being on the lookout for how much emotional energy this is taking from you and how much drama it's creating. presumably, dating isn't your big reason for this trip, so if it's eating up a ton of your time and emotional energy, or becoming the sole focus, you probably want to re-assess the whole biz to make sure that most of your energy goes to the Big Why you went into this program in the first place, you know?

[moonlight]

Well I didnt exactly get an explanation about why he said something so big when this is still barely even a relationship yet, but I did get him to say he won't say it yet, which is something.

And yeah, I get how it's totally xenophobic and uncool to assume he's seeking citizenship.

I think this is taking a lot of my energy and you're right its not what I came here for. Whoops.