Dealing with family conflict and sexual shame

[PrincessLuLu]

I am a 22 y/o female college student who lives at school for most of the year, but on breaks and during the summer I stay with my parents. For all intents and purposes I am still financially dependent on my parents. My dad is the primary 'breadwinner' as my mom is unable to work due to medical problems. Recently, I had a serious argument with my dad as a result of a disagreement. I am in a monogamous long term relationship with my boyfriend I'll call Nate for privacy's sake, and we have been together for over a year. Our relationship is stable, healthy, and we are both very happy. Anyways, a week ago, my dad stopped by the apartment I am living at to see me along with two close friends of his, as they were driving through the area after traveling together. My dad knows that occasionally my boyfriend sleeps over at my place, and has told me he is okay with it (he only has asked not on 'school nights' so I can focus on classes). He stopped by around 11am on a Saturday, and around this time I am usually awake and ready for the day (I often spend the first half of my Saturdays doing homework or other tasks). At this time, both Nate and I were showered, dressed, and minding our own business. The group came in things seemed fine. They weren't there for long (they were just planning on stopping by for a few minutes), as the main idea was just to talk for a few minutes and I show one of the friends the place as they had not seen it before. Anyways, everything seemed okay, and after they left Nate and I went about our day (doing homework, etc.). Come around 5pm, I am making dinner for us (something I do occasionally for Nate & I or for friends) when I get a call from dad. He starts lecturing me about how everything that happened today was completely inappropriate, that I am inconsiderate, selfish, cheap and whorish for what I did. I was so upset by the incident that I was shaking, sobbing and I couldn't focus on any of my assignments the rest of the day (I have a history of anxiety issues and panic attacks). I have barely talked to him the past couple of days since every time I try to, he starts acting ridiculous. The last time I really talked on the phone with him, he said that he did not want me to have Nate stay over anymore and that supposedly he told me this many times (he never did btw). He said that he wants to hear my side of things but then he never gave me a chance to say anything.
It is important that I describe the nature of my dad & I's relationship. My dad and I do not communicate very much. This type of incident is not uncommon. Many times when my dad has been upset about something I said or did he does not like (ie.: fight with parents, being in a bad mood, the time I got into a car accident, etc.) he threatens to cut off financial assistance for school, kick me out of the house or something like that. I do not like to admit this but I honestly feel like I cannot have a real, honest conversation with him because any time I do something he believes is wrong, he threatens to kick me out of the house or something. It is like I am forbidden to make any 'mistakes' or deviate from exactly what he thinks I should be, and if I do, I'm a failure. He tells my sister and I all the time he helps us with money and stuff because he wants us to have better lives than he did, but honestly, lately it feels like when he's upset he uses this against me. One of the things that really crosses a line for me, however, is how he talks with me when it pertains to my relationship with Nate. This incident where he called me derogatory names is not isolated. He claimed this incident made it look 'obvious' we had just slept together (we hadn't, but that's not the point) and like we were 'shacking up' and it looked 'trashy'. He has also argued with me a few times when I express making plans to spend time with Nate when we are both home for school breaks. For instance, he has tried to talk me out of going to his house because 'good girls don't spend all their time at boys' houses', but he hasn't said this recently. He also tends to (not every time but it has happened a few times) when Nate visits me at my parents' house he tries to make us stay at the house, even though we don't have a lot to do (my house is in a very rural area; we have to go into the town 10 minutes away to do anything like see a movie or get something to eat). Looking at the things that happen with us, it feels like my dad is indirectly shaming me because he presumes me to be sexually active (I am to some degree but that is not the point, and I never told him or my mother anything nor do I plan to anytime soon). I told Nate about this, as he witnessed a good deal of the latest incident and we are very open with each other about things, and he told his dad about what happened. They are aware my dad does this kind of stuff with me (overreacts and upsets me over stupid things) and are mad. He told me they said if they hear about it again they are going to intervene &talk to him, but I worry they will make it worse like my dad will actually kick me out (it's not just money I'm concerned about but the fact I also will likely lose contact with my family). I really want to resolve this conflict, because I love my dad very much and want to have a functional relationship with him, but the way things are now is not good for me and I am deeply unhappy because of it. How am I supposed to learn how to make it on my own when every time I make my own decision, I am afraid of being judged if my dad doesn't like what I chose?
Anyways, my overarching questions are these:
1. What can I do to initiate conversation on dealing with this issue?
2. Why is my dad shaming me for what he presumes about my sexual life?
3. Should I be worried about Nate's parents?
I'm sorry this was so long. I hope someone can help me with this, as it was not easy to type and discuss

[PrincessLuLu]

I should also note that the dynamic is different with my 19 year old sister Lindsey (name changed again for privacy). She is also what you would call 'sexually active' (she has engaged in sexual activity, including sexual intercourse, with two people I know of, the first being when she was either 14 or 15; beyond this I do not know, as she is kind of a private person). My dad knows about this, and does not hold it against her (when she was younger even he told her he wasn't mad that he wanted her to be responsible). Sometimes I feel like he respects Lindsey more than me in some ways (he trusts her opinion frequently and actually listens to her when there is an argument among any family members). I hope whoever responds to this can find it in themselves to not judge me any further, because I honestly am very lost in this situation. I am primarily looking for insight on my questions at the end of the original post and overall things I should consider

[Sam W]

Hi Princess,

I am so sorry that your dad reacted this way and that it sounds like it's part of a bigger pattern of how he treats you. Before anything else, are you seeing a counselor or therapist? You mention already dealing with anxiety and panic and that, coupled with a parent who behaves this way, is the kind of situation where having someone who is trained to deal with those issues to talk to can be very valuable.

On to your questions, there may not be anything you can do to have this conversation on your terms (or even on equal terms). He is making a choice to continue harping on this, just as he has made the choice to treat you this way in the past. In fact, it may be best for you right now to not talk with him for a bit, if for no other reason that to give yourself a buffer from his behavior and a chance to recover from this most recent incident. Is that something you'd feel comfortable doing?

As for why he does this, I'm afraid only he can answer that. It's not uncommon to see a pattern with parents where they know they're supposed to say they're okay with their child being sexual, but as soon as they confront any evidence of it, they lose their cool. Which can be painful and confusing if you're the child in question. However, given what you've said about your dad, it sounds like this incident is part of how he treats you in general, which speaks to some deeper things going on that it's not possible for me to know. And the name calling and refusing to let it go are beyond a normal reaction and are completely inappropriate.

With Nate's parents, have you met them? Or had Nate told you much about them?

I have on other suggestion, which you will know the feasibility of better than I will. It sounds like something that might be helpful is to start building up a way of being as financially independent from your dad as you can. That way, some of those threats will have a little less oomph. Do you have a sense of what that process would look like?

[PrincessLuLu]

I am not at this time seeing a counselor. I have considered trying to see people at the counseling center on my college campus. I can look into it.
With the 'buffer' thing I am doing my best. I attend a university about 3 hours away from my parents and haven't talked with dad much since the incident. It's been primarily limited to my mom talking to me and him saying stuff in the background. Currently as of yesterday my dad is acting like nothing happened. For now I am okay with not talking, but next week my sister and I go home for spring break. We are all going on vacation as a family and one of those days I'm going to a lawyer mediation with my dad (he's in an impending lawsuit against an insurance company and needs someone to go with him as he has physical disabilities and he promised I could go because I want to be a lawyer; he thinks the experience could be useful for me). I am unsure how to act or what to say because conversation is kind of necessary.
As for Nates parents, I have met them many times and they love me. I get along with them very well and they are very supportive of me. That's part of the reason they are upset about this. From what Nate has told me they're totally siding with us.
As for financial independence, I know that would be an ideal thing. I am not totally sure what the process would look like but I am willing to look into it. Is there anything else I should consider?

[Ashleah]

Hey Princess LuLu,

Checking out the counseling center sounds like a great idea. In addition to your anxiety, your concerns about the relationship with your father is also something that you could bring up. I agree with Sam that based off what you have said this sounds like an ongoing issue that you might need support with outside of just this situation.

I'm glad to hear that Nate's family sounds like a support to you. If you are concerned that their involvement would make things worse would you feel comfortable asking them not to intervene for now? Can you also tell me why this action or possibly talking to your dad more about this would lead to no contact with the rest of your family?

If you do feel that a conversation is necessary it might be best to have it prior to the trip. This way you can gauge your feelings as well as your dads before leaving. An easy way to start the convo is to just say, "Dad, I want to talk about what happened." I do think it can be helpful to think about what you hope to get out of the conversation. Do you want to clear the air? Want to set boundaries with his involvement in your relationship?

Can I also ask how much of this your mom knows about this incident. In past conflict has she been able to mediate in any way? Do you think involving another family member would be helpful?

[PrincessLuLu]

I would like to clear the air as well as set boundaries, but I am not sure if my dad is willing to respect that because he's kind of stubborn. My mom tries not to get involved. I'd rather not talk about this with her because she either sides with him or misunderstands and tells him in the wrong way which causes a fight. My sister Lindsey is willing to help me out, as my dad listens to her opinion better than mine. I worry about things getting worse because my dad has a habit of overreacting to things. Once when I was in trouble with something a while back (I was like 16) my dad almost sent me to boarding school out of state, when what happened wasn't even totally my fault (it's a long story that's in the past). I just don't want another ridiculous overreaction and I worry if Nates parents try to talk to him my dad will tell me he will cut off funding for school (I'll be forced to withdraw if he did that) or break up with him. Neither are good scenarios & while it may sound ridiculous I would not be surprised at this outcome

[Carmen]

Hi PrincessLuLu,

It sounds like your sister might be a great resource to mediate a conversation with your dad. Do you think sitting down the three of you (maybe before your trip) and talking about what happened would be something you would be comfortable doing?
It also sounds like you are still worried about Nate's parents trying to intervene and to follow up with Ashleah's question, would you feel comfortable asking them not to intervene? That way you don't have to worry about it and if you ever want them to you can let them know - that way it can be completely in your control.
You also mentioned becoming more financially independent might be something you would like to consider? Do you want to talk through different ways or options of doing that?