Scarleteen

Is anyone else a still a virgin in their mid to late twenties? I'm turning 25 in May and have never dated or been in a relationship, either romantic or sexual, and I'm starting to feel self-conscious about it. Does anyone have any advice?

Hi there,

To answer the first part of your question, there are absolutely people your age and older who haven't had romantic or sexual relationships, for a wide variety of reasons - sometimes by design, sometimes by circumstance. In terms of advice, are you interested in dating or being in a relationship right now? I can't quite tell from your question if your self-consciousness is because you do want that, or if you feel like you should want or have already experienced it.

I guess I meant whether anyone had any advice about how to deal with having zilch relationship or sexual experience in my mid-twenties. I'm sick and tired of people telling me "it (dating/meeting someone) will happen." I want to try dating and having relationships, its just I have no idea how to go about doing so. I constantly feel like a third wheel when my friends talk about their boyfriends and relationships. I feel like I can't contribute anything or compare experiences, and then I feel like crap. I feel like I should have tried dating or at least something when I was doing my Masters from 2013-2015, I feel like I've missed the boat. It doesn't help that its not the best time to date currently. Right now I'm living in Europe until mid-May, then I'm back living at home from May until mid-August, and then I will be living in London for about a year for school, so it feels like dating or attempting to meet someone isn't going to be in the cards until September and it sucks. Now that I'm interested in the dating part of life, it feels like there are no opportunities to do so currently.

hi monkey014! first off, I just wanna say I'm SO jealous of the fact that you're gonna be living in London for a year!! I'm really itching to go back sometime in the near future since I studied there for a semester and fell madly in love with the city. so, congrats on such an awesome opportunity!

I'm not your exact age, but I'm still in my twenties (I'll be turning 22 in a few months) and I can relate to being totally inexperienced in terms of sex and relationships, and also being in a time of my life where pursuing relationships with people would not be ideal (I'm expecting to potentially be moving in a few months depending on what job/internship offers I get). my inexperience is something that's gotten me really discouraged about the idea of dating before (and I'd be lying if I said it didn't get me down sometimes now), but in opening up to some people I know about my inexperience I've learned one thing: most people don't seem to really mind or care-- in fact, some folks think it's kinda cute and the ones who do mind aren't really the folks you'd wanna be with anyway.

short side-story: one of my friends (who's had their fair share of hookups and partners) was feeling insecure about telling this guy they really liked about the fact that they're experienced because the guy was a virgin-- they didn't care at all that the guy they liked was inexperienced, but they were essentially afraid of being judged by him for having "too much" experience in comparison. so, sometimes it happens in the other direction where people are insecure and afraid of being judged by people like us for the exact opposite reason you and I are talking about here.

but no, you definitely haven't missed the boat. at all. though, as someone who's also got zero-experience with relationships and sex in her twenties, I totally understand how it can feel that way when it seems like everyone around you has some sort of experience with this stuff. but you're definitely not the only one in this boat. have you considered trying online dating/dating apps? or even sites/apps like Meetups, which have opportunities to meet groups of people in your area who share your interests and do activities with them from hiking to book clubs to whatever (and sometimes people have met their partners through those groups). I know the amounts of time you listed make it so that if you wanted something more long-term it wouldn't be super-feasible, but perhaps using apps could help you gain some practice with going out and meeting new folks in dating-type situations?

Thanks MusicNerd! - I've downloaded some social apps to use for when I return home in May. I'm a little cautious about dating websites/apps, because there are so many horror stories out there, but I'm on Tindr - I know its mostly a hook up app but at least its a start. Are there any dating apps, heavy emphasis on dating/looking to meet someone rather than solely for hooking up, you would recommend?

monkey 014 wrote:Thanks MusicNerd! - I've downloaded some social apps to use for when I return home in May. I'm a little cautious about dating websites/apps, because there are so many horror stories out there, but I'm on Tindr - I know its mostly a hook up app but at least its a start. Are there any dating apps, heavy emphasis on dating/looking to meet someone rather than solely for hooking up, you would recommend?

hey monkey014! honestly, I haven't had super scary experiences with online dating, and I've gone on more internet dates than I can count for a few years now. really, as long as you employ some common sense ideas, you'll be fine. for instance: always, always, ALWAYS (did I mention "always"?) meet for the first time in a public place, such as a café or restaurant or something. also if you feel especially nervous, it's always a good idea to text a trusted friend details of when/where you're gonna meet with your date, and to check in with your friend at some other point throughout the day via text or phone call (especially if your date goes on for a long time into the night or something).

i'm not sure your gender identity/preferred-gender(s)-to-date, but my dating app recommendations are coming from the perspective of a woman who primarily dates women and people who aren't men. so, if you wanna know the apps/sites I've used, here goes: I've used tinder before and gone on a couple dates through that. one of my friends actually met their boyfriend through tinder, so it's possible to find a partnership through that! just be clear in your bio that you're not looking for a one-night stand or something (people list "not looking for just a hookup" all the time on those apps, including tinder! it's super common, and a good idea, to be upfront about what you're looking for from dating on your profile).

other sites/apps I've used are Hinge (it was "meh" for me-- only lets you select from 10 people per day, so I found it to be kinda inefficient) and Her (a phone app for queer women/people who aren't men). Her was really great for me, since I found there were loads of queer women who were on there!

another favorite of mine has been OkCupid, which offers a wide range of dating options (and gender and sexual orientation options!) for queer and straight people (and is very trans-inclusive as well!). they have various options for listing what you're seeking outside of casual sex-- like you can select that you're looking for "new friends," "short-term dating" and "long-term dating" in your profile (or all of the above). also, the questions are really great if you have certain dealbreakers in mind for dating (ex. if you want someone who's got similar political views, is okay with mental illness, etc). I also wanna note that for OkCupid specifically (under the section that asks "what's the most private thing you're willing to admit?"), I've listed "not very sexperienced" under there in recent months just to see what would happen, and I still got quite a good amount of people messaging me/liking my profile/interested in going out on dates with me. so it shows that even in online spaces people don't seem to be too deterred by sexual inexperience

hope that helps somewhat-- let me know if you have any other questions about online dating!