newbe to sex trying to orgasm

[Butterfly9]

I lost my virginity about a month ago to my boyfriend. I have never had any sexual experience before this and I've never tried masterbating before so I don't know how to tell him to get me to orgasm.
He's been trying everything that seems he's supposed to like oral and fingering me but I don't think I've had one yet.
I was wondering if there is something wrong with me or does it just take time? Like I figure since I was a virgin I might not have one right away?
I also think maybe I just am not relaxed enough. Im a little self concious honestly and I feel kind of silly just laying there while he tries. What should I be doing or thinking?

[Sam W]

Hi butterfly,

Something that may help is to start experimenting with masturbation, as that will start giving you a sense of what feels good to you.

When the two of you are being sexual together, how much communication is happening? For instance, when something feels good, or when you think something might feel good, do you tell him and he responds? And when something feels uncomfortable, are you able to say so and does he stop? And, do the two of you ever discuss things you'd like to try prior to having sex?

[Heather]

I also want to add that figuring something out as big as what you like sexually and what your body responds to, and learning to orgasm, in just a month or so, and without any of your own experimentation would be about as realistic as figuring out how to do brain surgery in that same time period.

Your boyfriend, for instance, if he knows all of this stuff about himself, and he experiences orgasm, has at least probably learned on his own from masturbation over a great deal of time -- years or more -- on top of if he has learned anything about his own sexual response and likes with partners.

You may also need to remind him about all of this yourself, that this DOES take time, and that it also isn't something he can make happen, so much as things you need to learn on your own, and then you two need to learn over time together, and not by trying to "make" you orgasm. Instead, if you both just lead with what you want and what feels good to you, in time, you'll learn those things -- and he will learn them about you, but probably can't learn anything about you you don't first learn for and about yourself. And only when those things are going on -- when you're doing only what you want and like, and when what you're doing are things you really enjoy -- is orgasm at all likely to happen. Even then, there can be other pieces to that (like having time with a partner to feel relaxed and uninhibited enough, things it sounds like you already know for yourself aren't there yet), but those things are ground zero. Make sense?

Too, if you don't feel comfortable with any of this yet with him, and feel too self-conscious -- so much so that perhaps you are "just lying there" rather than being a more active participant -- you won't help yourself in any department by being sexual with him in any way you don't feel pretty comfortable with and confident about yet. It may be you need to ask him to step things back here, letting him know what you DO feel comfortable with so far, and DO know you really like, to boot, and sticking only with those things. And really, that's the kind of stuff he should be focused on way more than whether or not you orgasm: even if you experience orgasm, if you don't feel comfortable and feel self-conscious, an orgasm isn't likely to be a good experience for you. On the other hand, when you like what's happening, physically and emotionally, and you feel pretty comfortable, you'll likely enjoy yourself whether or not orgasm happens.

[Butterfly9]

Thanks for the replies.
Guess I was worried there was something wrong that I didn't have one yet.
We do talk about what I like. Sometimes when he's touching me I'll tell him when I like it. At one point we had my muscles tensing and my leg twitching is that good?
Guess I've never tried to masterbate before either.

[Carmen]

Hi Butterfly9,

That's great you two are communicating about what you like and don't like. Do you find that communication has been helping you feel comfortable and to enjoy yourself? Also, no one can tell you if something is good for you or not but yourself - how would you answer that question? Was it good for you?

This might be a helpful reading as well Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

[Butterfly9]

Thanks I read that article. I guess I thought there would be one way for everyone to orgasm...
I think we are good at communicating or getting better at it. Since I'm new to it I'm afraid I'm not good at making him happy so I ask but he says I do.
I think he relaxes me especially when we talk during sex. I think part of my problem is it still hurts a little during sex. We can get me arouses and I'm pretty sure I'm aroused but when we start to have sex it starts to hurt so I tell him. Oddly if we just start talking the pain goes away and we can continue. I think I get nervous but talking helps? It relaxes me I guess.

[Mo]

It makes sense for talking to help with your nervousness! It's a good idea, too, to pay attention to pain and stop what you're doing when you are noticing it. I don't know if this is happening specifically during intercourse, or during other kinds of sex, but if it's mostly during intercourse you might find this article helpful: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse