Is it normal?

[Audryll]

I'm 14. And my brother touched me a lot down there and threatened me in a horrifying way...when I was younger. Right now I'm just trying to ignore tht. He still smacks my butt sometimes for no reason but idk what to do. Never told anyone about it tho.it sometimes make me feel useless and dumb for not walking away. Anyways... Here's my question. Is it normal to musterbate a lot after something like tht happened?

Here's another one...my BF we've been dating for a moth now and he wants to do it. Like.. Sex. He says everyone does it and he'll take care of EVERYTHING. He's 17. He says standing up will not let the sperm flow up.i guess that make sense. Anyways.should I? I don't know if I'm ready tho. I mean I'm just 14...but I LOVE him... I'm stuck here

[Carmen]

Hi Audryll,

I am so sorry that your brother did those things to you. I can't imagine how scary and painful that would be and if I can help you start to heal and address the kind of assault you have been through I would love to help you start to go through that process. I am really glad you felt comfortable reaching out to us and telling us this happened - do you think you would ever feel comfortable telling someone close to you about this? Or maybe seeking out a therapist to talk to?
Regarding your question about masterbation, I am not sure if you mean in general or right after something with your brother occurs? Overall, It is perfectly normal to masterbate no matter what has happened to you in your past.

Regarding your current boyfriend. First of all, he is WRONG that standing up will not let the sperm flow up. Having any form of unprotected sex puts you at risk of sexually transmitted illness and pregnancy - no matter what position you are in. You also do not owe your boyfriend any kind of sexual acts just because he wants them or just because you love him. It is also untrue that everyone is doing it - people start having sex at all sorts of different ages and times in their lives. It sounds like he may be saying things like this to pressure you into having sex which is not an okay way for him to be approaching this with you. Sex is a mutual experience shared between partners which is also why it is important to talk about first and why it is unhealthy for him to say he will take care of everything when you are just as active of a participant as he is. It is important for you to take care of yourself and your boundaries, to know if you are ready or not and to know if this is something you want to do or not.
If you do feel like it is something you want to do in the near future I would love to talk to you more about different forms of birth control and risk prevention. If it is something you do not feel ready for or do not want to do I can also help you brainstorm ways you could communicate this to your boyfriend.

[Audryll]

I'm scare of telling people....
I don know if I should tho. What do you think ?

[Carmen]

The decision is completely yours if you want to tell someone or not and who they would be. Ideally the decision you make will be based on what is best for you and what you need to help yourself get support and heal. Do you have any people close to you you would feel comfortable talking to you? For example a parent, friend, teacher, family member or family friend? If not we can also help you locate a counselor or a support group that specifically focuses on help with surviving sexual abuse, or just support in general.

I also think this would be a great thing for you to read through that is about dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault, Dealing With Rape

[Audryll]

I'm scaredddd I don't want to get anybody in trouble. And....he would get mad

[Carmen]

Your health and wellbeing are the most important things in this situation. So doing what is best for you is more important than trying not get anybody in trouble or making him mad. If you are scared he will find out there are ways to seek support anonymously or in safe situations - would you be interested in us helping you find that kind of support?

[Audryll]

Okay

[Audryll]

Will i loose my bf if I don't do it?

[Carmen]

I am glad we can help. I do not have access to give you referrals to support resources right now but someone else here will reply and help you with that as soon as they can.

That's a question I can't answer but what are your feelings behind asking that?

[Audryll]

Okay.
I
don't wanna loose him. I should just do it shouldn't i?

[Sam W]

Hi Audryll,

The first resource to look into for yourself is a rape crisis center or other organization that helps survivors of sexual assault. They'll be able to help you figure out what other resources you have available to you as well as offer you support. You can usually search online by state or county to find one that is near you.

As for your boyfriend, someone who would react negatively to you disclosing your a survivor, with all the vulnerability and strength saying that takes, is not someone who deserves to be your partner. And, as Carmen mentioned, when it comes to having sex, no one but you gets to decide when that happens, and it sounds like he is trying to pressure you into it, which is also not okay on his part. However, it is up to you who you tell and who you seek support from. Are there friends you feel comfortable telling?

[Audryll]

I'm really scared if he'll get mad... He'll get in trouble and get mad and bad things will happen.

[Audryll]

Is it sexual abuse or sexual assault..? If he touched me and tried to put something in....sorry this feels awkward

[Sam W]

Hi Audryll,

Just to clarify, when you say "he" will get mad, do you mean your brother? And when you say bad things would happen, what does that mean to you?

What you described to us definitely fits the definition of sexual abuse. Of course, you don't have to call it that right now if doing so makes you feel uncomfortable, but from where we're sitting that's what it looks like (and it fits the legal definition of sexual abuse or assault, at least in most places)

[Audryll]

Yes. He threatened me.... but it's in the past so it's not illegal anymore right?

[Sam W]

Okay, from how you're describing his past behavior and his current behavior, it sounds like he's not a safe person to be around. That puts a point in the telling people column, because once people know, they can help keep you safe from him. You also deserve to seek out some counseling or other support around what happened, from the resources I mentioned above. Is that something you'd be open to?

Even if it happened in the past, it's still illegal. But, more than that, it sounds like it's still having an effect on you, which means it's something to think about addressing.

[Audryll]

Will I get in trouble if I tell?

[Heather]

Just like mugging people, breaking into people's homes or tax evasion are crimes, so is sexual abuse. So, just like reporting those crimes can result in legal consequences for the people who have committed them, reporting sexual abuse or assault can result in legal consequences for someone who committed those crimes.

What generally happens when there is and has been sexual abuse within a family is that the first step taken is to separate the person doing the abusing from other members of the family so that those people are no longer in danger. Then, the report is further reviewed and the justice system takes it from there to figure out what charges they may apply. However, I am not very familiar with how this all works legally and practically in Malaysia, where it looks like you are, so the best thing to do here, I think, would be to get you connected with a local advocacy resource where people there DO know all of this so they can tell you your options. You should be able to just talk to them and find out what they are before you file any reports.

In other words, a local resource could tell you about all of this with authority and knowledge of how this goes where you are and then you could decide from there.

Personally, just like I think people SHOULD get in trouble for -- or, more factually, should have to be responsible for -- robbing and violating someone's house, I think people should get in trouble for robbing and violating someone's body: for sexual abuse or assault. Because if no one did, then no one gets to be safe from people who do that, and that's just no way for any of us to live. By all means, these choices are very personal, and whatever you decide is valid and okay. But I do think it's worth at least thinking about the idea that not having to be responsible for doing someone harm on purpose doesn't do anyone any favors: it keeps the people being done harm in danger, and it gives a message to anyone doing harm that it's okay to violate and harm other people. You -- like anyone -- deserve to be safe, and deserve to only have anyone touching you body in any way when it's what *you* want.

I would suggest, though, that you also think about telling your boyfriend that he needs to step back with what sounds -- to me -- like sexual pressuring. No one should feel like they have to have sex with someone to keep them around, and in healthy sexual relationships, sex is only something people do when everyone feels ready and really WANTS to be doing whatever sexual things they are. In healthy sexual relationships, too, one person isn't the leader, "taking care of everything," while the other person is the follower. Instead, people share responsibilities and do things together. I don't hear you saying you really want to be sexual with this person right now, and it also sounds like you have trauma from the abuse in your family to deal with, and that might also have left you feeling like you have to be sexual when someone else wants it: you don't. No one does.

[Audryll]

Thanks for tht. I'll think about it.
I'll try talking to him.

[Karyn]

Would you like any help in figuring out how to initiate that conversation?

[Audryll]

Yeah

[Sam W]

Okay! I'll start by giving you these articles that we have about how to have boundary discussions with a partner:
Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
For more specifics, I would have this conversation somewhere that you have the ability to leave when you want. So, in his room and he drove you to his house? Not so good. Public place you walked to and can leave? Better. The reason for that is, if you have this conversation and he doesn't respect what you're saying, you're going to want to be able to leave. That make sense?
It may also help to plan out ahead of time what you want to say to him. That way, you can stress less in the moment about how exactly you're going to talk to him about this.

[Audryll]

Okay thanks

[Sam W]

You're welcome Is there anything else you'd like to ask us about right now?

[Audryll]

Is it possible that I masterbate a lot is because of what happened in the past?