Scarleteen

Hello Scarleteeners -

This is quite unusual for me to post this as it does not involve me - but rather a family member that is going through a difficult time, and I would like to help them get through some very rough terrain that they're currently on.

My cousin is 14 years old (my aunt's daughter) and has lived a pretty rough life so far. Depression, anxiety and mental illness run on my mother's side of the family - which I and my cousin have inherited. She began experiencing social withdraw and anxiety around the age of 10, and during this time (and still is), she is dealing with bullies and a somewhat unstable home life. My aunt went through a rough divorce in which my cousin and her 13 year old brother experienced verbal abuse from their father, as well as getting pulled back and forth between parents. For the last couple of years she has developed an extreme fascination with boys (sexting, hanging out with boys alone without her parents knowledge, using the internet to talk to random boys about sexual things). When my aunt found out about it she revoked any technology privileges, which is when my cousin started acting out full force.

She began severely isolating herself, had thoughts of suicide, started wearing all black. She was eventually placed in the hospital on a 72 hour hold for evaluation, and began an outpatient treatment program for teens. I believe that she is still in counseling, and has been placed on an anti-depressant, however recently she was caught cutting herself and was placed in the hospital again. My mother has been involved in my cousins life by calling her on a weekly basis in the hopes that she will open up about how she's feeling (it has been working lately). My mother has since asked for my help in building a stronger bond with her since I experienced most (if not all) the things she is experiencing when I was her age. I have talked to her on the phone once and she opened up to me a lot. I know that she has a journal that she writes in when she's having a bad day, and I've heard from my mother that she has developed a talent for art and has been sending my mother drawings. I would love to help her with her well-being and show her that there is life at the end of the dark tunnel - and I know that she is at an age where she may be influenced by things that aren't good for her.

My problem is that I don't know how. I know that I have to gain her trust so she's able to tell me things, however my aunt is the type of person that wants to know how our conversations go and would ask for details. For the sake of my cousin, I wouldn't do that because if I mentioned anything we talked about, my cousin wouldn't trust me. I also don't believe that my aunt is in a stable state of mind either as she has been in a new relationship for a while and it seems that she is all about her boyfriend. Although her boyfriend has been very welcoming to my cousin and her brother, she does not like him. I've offered to take her out for lunch or coffee or even a walk in the park, but she hasn't called me. I don't want to push her, but I don't know how I can make her believe that I am truly there for her and that anything she says is confidential. She's been through a lot in a short period of time and I don't want her to continue to spiral, instead I want to help her. I just don't know how, any advice?

Hello there, Ashley.

First of all I want to let you know that is wonderful that you want to be so pro-active in your cousins life. Is always nice to know that someone is willing to do an effort rather than just look to the other side when you are feeling so troubled and down.

There's no magic potions to help loved ones when they are going through a rough time (if only!), and it is not a "one-size-fits-all" kind of thing either. If she already has a therapist I think is good that you focus on being her friend/cousin, which probably she needs most. If it's okay with you, I would like to share a couple of personal experiences with you.

I know for experience that when I am going through a cycle of depression I try to avoid people because sometimes they talk to me as they were talking to just an illness rather than a person and I just don't like to feel like I am anyone's project, you know? When everything seems to be so out of control, is nice to have the most normal-mundane things like going to the grocery store, or a talk about a recipe I saw somewhere on the web.

Sometimes when you stick to those activities, is when people feel safer to open up about other stuff. It wouldn't be the first time that a couple of friends started talking about the weather and ended up talking about the mystery of life.

Maybe you can try to approach your cousin by making her feel important and useful. If there's some interests that you know you both share -- like you mentioned she developed a skill for drawing -- maybe asking her for help with an art project would make her feel good. When everything seems wrong in your own world is nice to feel that is not only about you, but about others too, and I believe feeling useful is always a nice feeling to have.

The truth is, only her is going to set the pace of how much and when she shares things, be that with you, your mom or her family. At the end, the only thing you can do is to be there if and when she needs to talk. But is always good to keep in mind that boundaries are really, really important when we are trying to help someone, just as much as our own support system too. As I said before, you only can be her cousin/friend, but never her therapist, and at the same time if she confides in you, you don't owe it to anyone to share whatever she said to you. I know this can be a little bit tricky (okay, a lot!) but if anyone asks you to tell them what and how the conversations with her go/went, you can always say (very politely) that that's just between the two of you and that you need to respect your cousins needs and boundaries.

Please keep in mind that being the helper carries a lot of stress too, so make sure you take care of yourself while you do it. We can only help when we take care of ourselves first.

Again, it is so nice to see someone who wants to help, kudos to you for being the awesome person you are.