Scarleteen

Hi guys. I just need a bit of help. I'm struggling a lot with mental health right now. It's gotten worse since I last spoke to you. I haven't been able to get to a psychologist yet - the fear of doing it again has kept me off, plus I've had other appointments for other things. A bad hospital that I went to for pneumonia gave me my discharge papers a month late. In addition to having to sort out X-rays and specialists in a really short amount of time, I'm having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I had sepsis. I can't handle that it's life threatening and people lose their loved ones over it. It terrifies me and I'm really really afraid of it happening again, me dying, or my loved ones having it and dying. I didn't even realise I had it because I felt fine which makes it that much worse.

I really realise as hesitant as I am to go to a psychologist that this isn't something I can mange with the techniques I have. I'm really scared and crying a lot and I'm really upset because I had a bad time mentally at this exact time last year, and last year a lot of bad things happened. I'm so afraid that I barely feel 'there' unless I get really distracted.

I know you guys have offered to list a few mental health services in my area (NSW, Australia) before and I'd really like to take you up on that. I had trouble getting a psychologist before because a doctor didn't believe my symptoms didn't qualify for a DASS. I had to go to a doctor I've never seen before to get one. I know you guys have mentioned headspace before but I was under the impression it was more geared at high school aged individuals (I'm 22) but I might be wrong.

I know we have to die at some point but I'm thinking about it everyday to the point where I'm not living properly while I still can.

I'm so sorry to hear this, aj2234, although I'm glad you're realising you need some support and are reaching out.

I had a look at the Australian mental health services we link to, and right at the top of headspace's About Us page is "headspace is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation providing early intervention mental health services to 12-25 year olds." So, sounds like they'd absolutely cover you.

I know it can feel very daunting to reach out and ask for help for things like this, especially when you're already in a tough place. I've heard headspace recommended (although I'm not at all familiar with Australian services myself) and they're particularly for young people, so what I'd personally suggest is starting with them and seeing how it goes, while knowing that there are also other options available if you needed them. http://headspace.org.au/about-us/ (you can also see info about online and/or telephone help when you scroll down a bit.)

It's a really, really understandable reaction to your recent experiences that you're having. Being so seriously ill and thinking "what if" is a legitimately scary and mind-bending thing. Sometimes it can be very difficult to figure out how to process something like that and where the hell to even begin to put it in your mind.

Would it help you to talk to somebody about your experiences or how you feel about it? I don't know how quickly a person can access support at headspace; in the event that it's not immediate, please know that you also have the option of calling a crisis line - a person doesn't have to be suicidal to use a crisis line, at all. They're there for anyone who's having a really hard time and is struggling to cope, or just needs a listening service very much. If you'd want to use something like that, are you able to find a number (they're usually very searchable), or do you need a number?

I really appreciate your sentiment. It is really hard and I feel so stubborn for just not wanting to go through psychology again, but it's obvious I need it. I might try Headspace-they mainly market towards high schoolers, or use kids in uniforms in their advert, hence I thought it was a younger group-but I think they would have quite a long waiting list. I'll try and contact them when I can - unfortunately, this all comes when I have a very busy week with long university classes with no breaks, an internship, and health appointments.

I really like to talk to people about it, but it's just not working. I've told my mum about it, but she seems to get frustrated quickly when I cycle through problems and keep repeating things (as one does/feels with anxiety). I've told her that 'getting over it' isn't quite how anxiety works. I've also told my boyfriend, who also has anxiety, but he has a funny was of handling things, and treats problems as just a 'shame', and moves too quickly to positives that, in my mind, aren't something I can also jump to so quickly. So, unfortunately, as much as I don't have a problem with sharing it seems like I don't have anyone safe to talk to right now. I felt like I wasted my psychologist's time when I went before (not going to the same person again, I don't think she was for me), so I'm a bit scared to reach out for any help despite the increasing severity of my mental state. I'll have a search for crises lines and if I can't go through headspace, or find an alternative I'll definitely call within a week. I know this is a bad problem right now because it's becoming an everyday thing. Very upsetting. I feel very downtrodden because being sick stopped me from working and starting my internship, and now that I'm (I really really hope) not sick anymore, I feel worse because my mood is further still affecting me. It's my last semester at university and I don't struggle with it normally, but right now it's hard to concentrate on work.

I have no idea about possible waiting lists at headspace, so you'll just have to try them and find out, won't you

I'm sorry the people around you aren't able to be the kind of support you need around this. A helpline or crisis line can also be really good in situations like that: the person on the end of the line shouldn't have their own preconceptions about how you should respond, they should just be there to listen and support you.

I'm not surprised you're having a hard time concentrating! Do you already know what systems and supports your university has for challenging circumstances, and have you already accessed those? I super-strongly suggest getting connected with those the sooner the better, because it's a LOT easier to get whatever possible understandings or adaptions for your circumstances in place sooner rather than later. Leaving it and struggling through tends to make things snowball and result in a much harder time overall, and if it gets later, sometimes staff who want to help you just aren't able to do as much any more. I do know it's yet another thing to think about, but it's really worth it.

You don't need to worry about wasting a therapist's time - it's their job to be there and do what they can for you, and that's just that. It sounds like last time it mightn't have been a good fit for you; you can have a lot of hope that much better-fitting therapists are out there for you. I know it's scary, but you deserve help, you deserve to feel a whole hell of a lot better than you do, and you deserve to do that for yourself.

That sounds good. I'll try and have a look for some in the meantime while I try and figure out seeing someone at Headspace.

I sort of have an understanding about the university's support systems, mainly in terms of submitting assignments in times. They've recently changed the policy, though, and to get an extension or changed due date for an assignment I now need supporting documentation. Without a document from a psychologist or doctor for each assessment I have trouble handing in I'm not sure I'll be able to get an extension. I could possible go through my university's disability services - I think once you've been approved it's easier to get consistent extensions. However, I don't know if they accept more generalised anxiety disorders, so I'll have to investigate that. I might email some of my lecturers (they're all very nice this semester) and just let them know the situation, as although I have a lot of work right now, it is only the 2nd week of semester (which is 13 weeks long), so it might be a good idea to preface my situation.

I don't think she was a good fit at all. I felt like therapy wasn't a good fit either, because I react very emotionally and strongly to things when they happen, not so much afterwards. I think the issue I had was that when I drift off in class or when I'm by myself, I'm very worried about these things, but when I was talking to the psychologist, I was focused on the conversation at hand and not feeling so anxious. It made me feel like I was wasting time and didn't need to be there, but the way I am by myself definitely proves I should still go. I'd love to find someone else who understands me a bit better. Headspace might be particularly good for me then if they're dealing with younger age brackets.

I really appreciate you saying that. It's particularly hard to realise that actively trying to help my own mental health is something that I deserve to do. I think I'll repeat that line to myself over the next few weeks as I try and sort out getting some help.

That all sounds like a very good plan of action for your university stuff - good for you.

Sometimes not being very anxious during a therapy appointment is a very good thing. Anxiety really interferes with thought processes and your comprehension and memory while you've having it, so it's actually very beneficial to be able to have therapy sessions without your anxiety running wild. If you found it hard to relate the sessions to the work you needed to do, then you might find that taking good notes in with you about what you want to work on and whatever changes or observations you've made from session to session really helps. A bit of determination and self-discipline in noticing the anxiety when it's happening outside of sessions, and trying to do whatever it is you and your therapist planned out for it, is necessary, of course - but I'm guessing you'll be able to find that in yourself in order to make big changes to this crappy way you're feeling.

I'm very glad to have given you a helpful tool for getting you to what you need! And it's true - you do deserve to take the time and effort to help yourself

Btw, if you feel like it'd help you to talk more about dealing with big wakeups with mortality, including having had sepsis, I'm happy to talk to you about those experiences. I, too, barely survived sepsis back in the 90s (as well as the causes of it for me, which brought their own big bads, and, like you, I didn't know I had it, I just thought I had a badass flu or something), and I also had to deal with facing mortality in a few others ways when I was growing up, per both deaths in my family, and the loss of someone I was dating. I get how impactful it can be, and how much it can really shake you.

Well that's good to know that the way I feel can be helpful in a session. I've been advised in a previous thread to write down how I'm feeling when it happens and while I'll be a bit more careful to do so consistently, I have notes in my 2016 diary of when I've felt anxious and what happened to make me feel that way, so that should be helpful when I go in. Thank you very much for your help.

Heather, I'd actually really appreciate that. I've told my boyfriend that I felt very sad because if I had been another person, or waited more days I could have died and he just said we shouldn't think like that. While I can appreciate what he's saying, as I've told you guys, I'm terribly anxious about it right now so it's much easier said than done. No-one in my family, apart from a great uncle who I rarely saw, has died, so I don't have much experience of it. In addition to worrying about my own mortality and the mortality of loved ones, I'm really worried about the grief associated with it as well. It would be nice to speak to someone who understands how I'm feeling and that, although it doesn't seem like much to someone on the outside, it's not a good feeling to know you had a serious infection/illness, even though I felt okay and only had a short hospital stay.

Before I talk more about my experiences and struggles with this, I want to address what you've said about your boyfriend's response when you voice your feelings and fears.

It sounds to me like he's shutting you down, intentionally or not. In other words, you ARE thinking about all of this -- because of course you are, how couldn't you? -- so he can think, if he does, you or he shouldn't think about this, but you ARE thinking about this. In bringing up these feelings with him, you're also clearly wanting to talk about it with him.

I think it might be helpful to express that to him: that you ARE thinking about this, because this has happened to you and is something hugely impactful, so you can't not think about it, and you'd also like to talk about it with him. Then you can ask him if this is something he feels able to talk about with you, which includes listening to some thoughts you've had that may make him feel uncomfortable. (Like, it may well be something HE doesn't want to talk or think about because it all feels too scary for him, or like talk he just can't handle because he has his own scary feelings.) You can let him know that if he doesn't want to or feel able to, you can accept that limit, but that if he IS open to you sharing your feelings about this with him, it's probably going to mean that sometimes you say things that may feel scary or uncomfortable for him.

In the event that he says he just isn't open to talking about this, or can't handle it -- and if he can't, he can't -- that doesn't have to mean you have to go without support from someone, and others you CAN talk with about this. So, if you want help figuring out -- should he say he doesn't want to or can't talk with you about this -- who you can talk with, and how to find those people, I;d be glad to brainstorm that with you.

* * *
My own experience with sepsis: I was in my 20s, and in the thick of a super-demanding internship, and also working extra jobs to try and pay my bills because the stipend for that internship couldn't come close to covering. So, I was easily working 60 hours a week, barely paying attention to myself, really, and just focusing on trying to stay afloat, meet the demands of my internship and keep a roof over my head. Because I was teaching, I was always sick with something: I swear, classrooms are total germ warfare. I had been sick for a while, but there was a bunch of flu going around, so I attributed how I felt to it and just working so much and resting so little.

I came in one day for a bunch of exams, and my professor came over and told me I needed to leave right then, because my face was yellow and my lips were blue. I had no idea what she was on about, it seemed like a very weird joke she was making, and in the middle of an exam no less, but she said she was serious. I hadn't looked in a mirror for days, so went to the bathroom, and indeed: she was right. Long story short: I got a ride a few blocks to a hospital, and it turned out that one of my organs had literally imploded inside by body, resulting in very serious sepsis. I was told -- and I know you can appreciate what a thing this is to hear someone say -- that if I had not come in when I did, I probably would have died very shortly.

I wasn't really able to even take that in at the time, because I was so sick, had to be in that hospital for a few days first, then flown to another for my abdominal surgery.

I grew up with probably more sudden, unexpected death, often due to violence, in my childhood and teens than others, so it's not like sudden, unexpected death as a thing was new to me. I also went through my teens suicidal, and had been hospitalized for almost succeeding at that once before, too. But I feel like there's something different about being relatively young, going about your life, and a) having it be YOU for whom almost-death was sudden and unexpected, and b) it all not only being so completely out of your hands, but being about your body kind of just...I don't know, attacking you, I guess. Trying to kill you, maybe even (even though, of course, that's not the physical reality of sepsis).

I know for me, too, there was something really harrowing about the fact that I could have this whole plan for my life, and be actively pursuing it, could be just living my life and could have had it all derailed utterly and ended with death. Having it derailed by a lack of money, or by someone abusive or violent: those kinds of things were known to me and made sense. But by death, in my 20s? That didn't make sense at all, despite my having known people who died then, or earlier, themselves.

After that, there were a bunch of different things I struggled with, some for shorter times, some for longer times, and some that I think I probably still carry around and grapple with. I had always been very motivated, that's just who I am, but for a while after that, it was harder, because it was harder for me to have any faith in the idea that I could keep doing and working towards things, as that experience made so clear they could all be brought to a grinding halt out of nowhere. As someone who had been suicidal -- and when you are, it's kind of always part of who you are, just like an alcoholic who stops drinking still is always going to be an alcoholic -- that experience kind of validated some unhealthy and destructive attitudes I had about life for a bit there. I think I also took a bunch of risks right around that time that weren't so smart and I wouldn't have taken if life hadn't felt so precarious and iffy. I think that what happened to me with the almost-death kind of broke my radar of what was or wasn't safe for a while there, and what was and wasn't important.

I didn't really struggle with the idea that had I died, people would have grief, because at that time in my life, my sense of myself was that I wasn't particularly valuable, and that I probably wouldn't be missed. However, as the only person who had ever taken responsibility for the care of one of my parents, who often was in dire straits, I did lose a lot of sleep worried that if I had died -- or if I did -- they would have been left totally astray and without care, and maybe even died themselves as a result. As someone who had a very hard time getting through some terrible grief after the person I had dated in high school died, though, when I did go to the idea of who would be hurt had I died, it was a pretty hard, dark place, so I understand that to some degree.

I'll leave all of that here for now: I figure that might give you a picture and maybe some places you might want to talk more, or see inroads either because your experiences or feelings have been similar to mine, or because what I have said has shown up a contrast with your experiences and feelings you want to talk about.

I know he means well in this instance even though, I do agree, he is shutting me down. I think he just wants me to be positive, but for me there's no point in trying if I'm this scared. I think I just won't mention it to him, but I can still talk to him about other things. I told him I was going to try and drop into Headspace this week and he said he was proud and he said he thought it was a brave thing to try and confront it so that was really positive to hear.

Heather, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I'm sorry you had to go through that - it must have been a big shock and very overwhelming. For you to come out where you are now is very inspiring to me, particularly because there are parts of your career I'm currently working towards. I love the way you can channel your sometimes painful experiences to help others.

Being so young has really shaken me. I often have trouble with the concept of 'why not me?' Young people die all the time. If I don't know anyone who has died, I just get this feeling of pure dread that it'll be me, and I'll be that statistical young person that dies. I do this with other things (rare disease hits 5 in 10000, I've simply got to be one of the 5), but because this has happened it's certainly gotten worse. I am too anxious to be reckless - the idea of doing something unsafe is a bit paralysing right now. But things do seem very pointless. Im so sad we can't even truly work towards happiness because death has to come. It's almost like why bother being happy when it ends so abruptly? Like you, I also worry about my parents. They would be fine without support from me, but I almost feel guilt knowing if I died my mum wouldn't be able to cope emotionally. I don't like that I could do that to her so suddenly if sepsis ever happened again or something like that.

In my case, my anxiety is running wild. They mentioned sepsis briefly at the hospital (I showed signs at admission) and it's in my discharge papers, but no one mentioned it to me while I stayed. I'm still coughing and I have a vibration in my lung. I can't even begin to process it and get over it because I'm so fearful I'm still sick. I don't know what these symptoms mean. I'm really hoping that the specialist appointment can clear it up, but the specialist rushes and there have been so many communication issues at the hospital. I really hate not knowing whether the experts on this can actually help me. I've read that sepsis, or at least the immobility that it can lead to can increase the risk of blood clots (I'm on the pill). No one mentioned this to me or asked despite it me mentioning that I was on the pill. No one told me if the sepsis has cleared when I was released. No one told me what to expect afterwards. The lack of trust I have because of this makes me worry that I'll just cycle with anxiety, and worry that doctors are wrong even if they say I'm okay. I look at my boyfriend and family right now and am just so sad I can't be selfish and have them forever. It's almost incomprehensible.

Oh, aj: virtual hugs from over here. I'm so glad you were able to say some of this, and I'm so sorry this has all hit you so hard. This is big stuff -- really, dealing with mortality being real is probably one of the biggest, scariest things there is to deal with in life -- and can be so overwhelming and so easily take up all the air in the room.

I've got some practical suggestions with a few things, but I first want to address some of what you've said here in terms of your feelings.

I so get the "why not me," though for me, that was something I experienced more when the person I was dating died than I did with my own near-death with the sepsis. That person had lived through similar hells growing up as I had, was suicidal like I was, and in a lot of ways, intentionally or not (I have no idea), moved me away from that, and at a time when I was literally preparing to get the job done, as it were, so I didn't make a mistake with it again like I had before. That person, like me at the time, also had a bunch of recreational drugs around, and that person, like me, was also not exactly surrounded by great people. And yet, he's who had the bad luck of living with a roommate with a gun, took too many ludes, and shot himself. Could have been me, no doubt. Wasn't. And why it wasn't me -- a feeling especially complicated by the fact that someone I loved was gone, and I was left without them -- really, really messed me up for a while. I just couldn't make sense of it, and I remember even, as an atheist, no less, begging anyone else's gods who'd hear me to make an exchange and make it me, instead.

In time, though, where I came to was that a) that person wouldn't have wanted it to be me, and clearly, I was stronger than that person was and more resilient, which is probably why it wasn't me, likely paired with plain dumb luck. But THAT it wasn't me -- just like it wasn't me who died with my grandparents, but was my young uncle, or like it was't me with the sepsis -- was something that, over time, I think turned into a way to motivate myself to really live my life and make the most of it.

I get feeling like there may be no value in living or relationships because, whenever we or others die, everything always inevitably ends with death, and I get how scary and large that is once it's made very real. And I don't want to suggest that you should try and get rid of those feelings: when it comes to feelings, the only way out tends to be through, and it's OKAY that you're feeling how you are, even though it sure doesn't feel okay and goodness knows it doesn't feel in any way good. But what I'm hoping is that in time, you can perhaps get to the place where you can recognize that yep, we all are living on borrowed time, and we can really never know with any certainty when that time will run out: as you and I both know, weird things can happen out of nowhere. I think, now, that that impermanence, and that relatively short time -- even if we live until we're very old, that time is still short in the grand scheme of things -- makes having a life, and what we do with our lives, all the more important and meaningful rather than less. I know that so many experiences with death, near-death and loss is probably something that contributes a lot to me being more focused on living in the moment than focusing on the future, and I think that's a good thing: I think it's helped me, personally, to appreciate my life and everything in it, and to not take things, or people, for granted.

Happiness -- or any life experience -- has value in and of itself, IMO, and everything being impermanent doesn't change that. If anything, I think that impermanence actually makes all of our lives more valuable, rather than less. Does that make sense? Again, that isn't to say you should feel that way or that you must try and feel differently than you do now and feel that way. Just putting that out there for you as food for thought. I don't know what your spiritual belief system is, but all sects of Buddhism have a lot of focus on impermanence and learning to accept and embrace it, so there are some good Buddhist teachers who have written some great and very helpful, IMO (we keep things secular here, but I am Zen Buddhist myself, just to have that on the table), things I think can have value to everyone. Pema Chodron is one Buddhist author who I think has some very helpful things to say. I'd be happy to recommend some books in this vein if you're interested.

So, here's some of the practical stuff from me:
• With the specialist appointment: I'd suggest you write out all of your questions and concerns, and when you go, before anything else, I'd suggest you hand that page over and say something like, "I have been very scared, and I have felt very rushed with healthcare providers with all of this. A lot of what is scaring me is not having the answers to some of these questions. Can I ask you to please take the time today to go through each of them with me?" That *should* net you good results in getting the kind of time and attention you deserve and you need.

• While you are there, I am also thinking it might be a good idea to ask them if they can refer you to a grief counselor, because a lot of what I'm hearing from you is that grief is what you're dealing with. A grief counselor is someone who is going to talk with you a bit more like I am here, rather than a more classical therapy approach, and while no, you haven't had a literal loss, they know -- like I do, like you do -- that almost-loss of life often has very similar impacts. I feel like if you can find someone like that, that might be the right therapeutic environment for you right now, as well as one you might feel more comfortable with.

• I also think, per what you said about therapy not being good for you before in part because you have a hard time dealing with big hard feelings that where you're at now with how you have been feeling is, in some ways, potentially a good thing. This experience, and your feelings with it, might well turn out to be something that's kind of forcing you to have no choice but to deal with big, hard, scary feelings, and while that certainly doesn't feel good now, it could be something that gets you through to the other side where you're more able to do that, which is always going to benefit our lives, you know?

• With your boyfriend, just so that all of this doesn't turn into something where you kind of shut down with this and build a distance between you you probably don't want, I'd personally not suggest just dropping all talk of it with him without that kind of conversation I suggested in my last response. If you want to adapt that to say that, for now, you think it's probably best you find others to talk more with with these hard feelings instead, that's okay, but I'm sure that the last thing you probably want right now is to feel a giant distance in one of your closest relationships. I think just having some talk about this, rather than just dropping it and leaving it, is probably the better way to go.

• With your mother, have you talked about this with her? If not, I'm betting that if you do, you'll get to hear her tell you things like that of course she'd be devastated, but she would figure out how to cope, a comfort it sounds like you really could use right now. Even if your brain doesn't totally buy that, just hearing it from her could probably do a lot.

Please feel free to tell me what of all of this I've been saying is or isn't helpful if you want to keep talking: my aim is to support you, so if there's anything that isn't feeling like what you need, but other things that are, I am happy to fine-tune and adjust as needed.

Thank you, Heather! It is a bit of a suffocating and all-consuming thing. Not fun to think about, but very hard to switch off right now. I think what you've said about the fact that it could have been you, but wasn't resonated with me. My infection could have turned more serious and done irrevocable damage - it didn't and here I am. That's not a bad or naive way of thinking about it, so I quite like that line of thinking. It makes it a bit easier to deal with the fact that it didn't happen now. It is a bit difficult, though, to know that something like sepsis (more serious cases than mine I assume, but still) have killed a lot of people's loved ones. I feel very sad for them.

I think I'll see life and death that way too over time. I know my boyfriend has worried about this and my mum did at my age as well, so I think it's something that characterises my age, but I still want to see someone about it. Because I have other issues going on which are both separate to this and making this worse because I was anxious to start with, I think I'd prefer to see someone who could work with other problems in the longer term. Not that a grief counsellor wouldn't do that, though. I've got questions written down for my specialist, I just need to get the attention. I'll try something like that because I've really been unhappy with the level of healthcare I received during that time and I think I deserve to find out exactly what happened to me. Having 'sepsis' written on a discharge paper is scary, but doesn't explain very much to me at all.

I feel best usually when I eat well, can concentrate on work, breathe deeply, and when I can 'feel' my body working (like in yoga). I'm trying to get back into yoga and fit it into my schedule because it makes me feel a bit more right in the world.

My mum sort of does what my boyfriend does in telling me that I shouldn't dwell on those (negative) sorts of things. I try to tell her and I don't often get responses to help, but when I tell her I'm afraid and that I love her, she does say things like she'll love me no matter what and that's very comforting.

By the way, this has all been very comforting.

I'm so glad to hear that. Really, I know this stuff can just really do a number on your head: it's very scary and very hard, IMO.

I thought about something else with this after we last spoke, btw, about the bit where it can feel like plans and even going all-in to some parts of life just feel pointless, because now you know death can potentially bring them to a total halt anytime.

I've almost always had a pet, even when I was so broke I could barely afford to feed myself. I'm an animal person, pretty full-stop. And I will always outlive my cats or dogs: I always have, I probably always will. I know this going in, too. When my last dog died, I felt like someone was scraping my heart out with a spoon, slowly: it was unexpected, too, and sudden, without even any goodbye, so it was way worse of a heartbreak than it would have been otherwise. And when I got the dog I had now -- as always happens when one pet has died and I find another -- I had a minute where I asked myself why I'd put myself through that again, because it was pretty inevitable.

And I never think that for very long, because I have some pretty good, easy answers, like because any time spent with an animal I love is better than no time, and because for all my heart will probably eventually break all the good things a furry buddy gives me are so worth it.

(Really, this is the kind of thing we also often ask ourselves about love relationships when they end, as they always will in some way or another, and usually people have a similar answer: because however much it will probably eventually hurt, that hurt seems worth all the good things we can get out of relationships).

Re: your Mom and your boyfriend and anyone else who isn't doing the best job of just letting you have the feelings you are just going to -- this happened to you, so you don't have the luxury of just not thinking about it, and not talking about it at all is a sure route to misery. I'd suggest you do what you can to just ask people close to you if they can just listen to you and support you actively with these thoughts and feelings. Something like, "I can't not think about this, and there's no avoiding or ignoring the impact it had on me. I feel a lot better when I can just talk about it, and have someone listen and let me feel my scary feelings, rather than asking me to put them away or not talk about them. I get that might feel scary for you, too. So, if you don't feel you can, that's okay, I'll just keep working to connect with people I can do that with who feel able to handle it and I won't talk much about this with you. But I feel like it's important to know what you're up to handling, and for us to just be clear, and accepting, about that."

In other words, sometimes this stuff will feel too scary for the people who love us to talk about: they likely don't want to think about almost having lost us either! But it also will be easier for them to just get breaks from those feelings or thoughts, and to choose whether to talk about it or not, because this didn't directly happen to them. They CAN just not think about it: when this has happened to us, we usually can't until we've been able to feel and think about it through our process with it, and talk about it.

So, sometimes people close to us just won't be able to, not because they don't love us, or because they're jerks, but because they just can't deal. That's disappointing when it happens, obviously, but it's also okay: we're all only people, we all have our limits. But I feel like honesty and clarity is good there, including because someone who just shortcuts and says "You shouldn't think about this" is dismissing your feelings, while someone who says, "I'm sorry, I want to be there for you, but I just can't handle talking about it, because I've felt very scared, too." It also gives you the benefit of looking for people who can talk to you, rather than continuing to try to talk to people who can't deal and feeling shut down again and again.

Just a quick update with the illness: I've still got residual fluid in my lungs, meaning it's not all over yet in terms of committing time (and unfortunately thoughts) to this, but the doctor was really helpful and answered all my questions even though she was really pressed for time. Plus, she's involving me in the decision making while I really appreciate. That's helped a bit, but I still definitely not over the mortality issue.

The two analogies/experiences you've given me are actually pretty helpful to understand that. I also love dogs and have had them die which I hate, but it's never stopped me from getting another dog. In addition to me absolutely loving dogs, they deserve to be loved to. I guess the same would be true in most aspects of life. I just find myself being really scared and sad and anxious when I'm hanging out with people I love right now because I know how quickly they could leave my life, but in the same vain I'm also just insanely grateful to love these people right now.

I think that strategy would work well with my boyfriend more than my mum. My boyfriend understands that anxiety can be a really terrible cycle that no amount of reassurance helps and that it's just good to have someone there. So if I wanted to go down that route, and I explain it properly as you've suggested, I'm sure he would. It doesn't bother me so much that my mum wouldn't necessarily be able to sit down and talk this way with me. Every time I try and calmly explain how anxiety works in my case, she'll forget by the next time I have it. I guess it's harder for some people to understand it more than others, which is okay for me. I don't think it's a matter of it being too scary for her, it's just not something she dwells on, and I don't think she can understand how I can still dwell on something despite being otherwise reassured.

I am SO glad the doctor did you right this time!

Sounds like with your Mom it may be that the big barrier with this is less about all your feelings -- and hers -- per the sepsis and that experience, and more just about not getting or accepting how anxiety works and that you struggle with it. Does that sound right?

Yeah, she is! Lots of shared decision making being taken into account now that we have the luxury of time to decide how to treat me, so I'm a lot happy with my care.

Yeah I think you've got it right, Heather. Yesterday I came home very upset because I was feeling overwhelmed and I told my mum that I'd have to miss part of a class to make a meeting and her response was along the lines of 'well it's not the end of the world, is it?'. I told her that while it's true it's not what I'm feeling right now because of anxiety and she kept moving along those lines, which upset me further and really made me feel like she wasn't someone I could turn to about it.

Later, I spoke to her because I've also been dealing with feelings of guilt (I still feel guilty about talking to a guy at work when I have a boyfriend, which I've mentioned on a different thread before), and she was very helpful, saying that those sorts of situations are hard because they can be misconstrued and that I should be more careful if I don't completely trust the people I'm talking to. So that was sound advice and the feelings are still there, but I do feel better about it, plus it is nice to have my mum say that I haven't done anything wrong in the situation. So, I suppose it's the bad, non-calm anxiety that she doesn't really understand or know how to help with.

Do you think if you gave your mother a book relating to parenting when a child (regardless of their age) has anxiety she'd read it?

If so, one I'd suggest is " If your Adolescent Has an Anxiety Disorder," by Edna B. Foa, Ph.d., and Linda Wasmer Andrews. It gives really great overviews of all things anxiety, as well as good information about sound ways to parent when an adolescent (that's you!) has some form of anxiety disorder.

To be honest, I don't think so. I'll mention it to her and see if she's interested but I don't think she'd read it. She reads a lot for pleasure and obviously I know I'm more important but I don't know if I could convince her of the value of it.