Having trouble setting and communicating boundaries

[kanizkey]

I'm 20F, in my first relationship (we've only actually gone on 2 dates, planning a 3rd soon) that's getting physical with him, I'll call him Jack, 20M. I'm really struggling opening up and communicating, and also in determining what my boundaries are.

Our first date, we went out to dinner and afterward went to his apartment to watch some Netflix. We were making out, and it was sort of weird for me, because he would do something and sometimes it took me a few minutes to be totally comfortable with it, although I got there eventually. He unzipped my jeans, for example, and at first I was not comfortable with that, but I said that and he backed off, and a little while later I was okay with it and told him that so he did it again.

Our second date got a bit (well, a lot) steamier. Long story short, we were naked and I gave him a handjob and he sort of tried to finger me. Some of it I was okay with, some of it I was really hesitant with. To be fair, most of it I was totally okay with; he gave me tips when I was giving him a handjob and then asked if he could return the favor (he was just sort of rough - next time I'll just show him how to). Towards the end of it though, I was just sort of uncomfortable, because I wasn't sure where it was going to go but I knew I didn't want to have sex. I couldn't think of a good way of communicating that - I was turned on, having a great time and all. I just knew I wasn't ready. He could sort of tell, he asked if I wanted to and I said no, and he said that was fine and said that next time I should just let him know a little earlier. I apologized and he emphatically said that I had nothing to apologize for.

I'm struggling because I don't know what my boundaries are, or how I would even know that. I mean, I was comfortable with what we did. I might be comfortable with oral. I know I'm not ready to have PIV sex. I also know that I want to slow down a bit - not just with how we're progressing, but with what we're actually doing. He'll do something - quickly, clumsily - and it's hard for me to get very aroused.

For example, he'll sort of squeeze my boobs for a few seconds, not really doing much, so it's not really impactful for me (and I know I'm flat-chested, but still...). Or when he tried to finger me, he pretty much rubbed his dry hand as fast and as hard as he could in the general area of my clit. It hurt more than anything, and I told him and sort of adjusted his hand and said to do it more gently, but it still wasn't great so I just said to forget it and move on.

What I want to do is slow down with those things - I want him to focus on my boobs for a while, and play with them. I want him to work with me and actually figure out how to finger me. I like how we've been, the seemingly desperate intensity, but I want to just slow down and enjoy each other too.

Compounded with this is the fact that he is more experienced than I am and he knows it. I don't know how to be like, "hey, you're doing this wrong" when he is more experienced than I am.

So I've got two issues. The first is that I don't know exactly how far I want to go. I know I'm not ready to have PIV sex with Jack yet. But other things like hand action I know I'm okay with, and other things like oral I might be okay with. I want to be clear, but I don't know myself what my boundaries are.

The other issue is communication - I don't know how to get into that conversation, or what to say in a way that doesn't sound like I'm not into him (sorry for the double negative!) Along with that, I don't know how to ask him for what I want - I want him to slow down and play with my boobs, or to finger me, or to tell me exactly what he wants me to do with his dick or the rest of him. I just don't know what to say, or how to have that conversation.

tl;dr: I'm struggling to find a way to determine where my boundaries are exactly, and also struggling to communicate this to my partner, as well as struggling to communicate what I want when we are making out.

[Sam W]

Hi Kanizkey,

You're already taking some great steps to figure these issues out (it sounds like you've done quite a bit of self examination, and you actually did communicate pretty well to him in the stories you told us). These two articles might be really helpful for you right now. With the second one, you and he may actually want to each go through the list separately, the compare your answers and talk about them: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Something else to remember is that, even with careful consideration, you may find yourself changing those boundaries in the moment. So, something that you thought you were fine with (or have enjoyed in the past) feels weird or makes you go "nope!" That's totally okay, and isn't a sign of failing to know your boundaries, it just means that bodies and brains can be changeable.

One other thing to note is that, even if this guy has more experience than you, he's as new to having sex with you as you are to having sex with him. Different people like and respond to different things, so what worked for one partner won't always work for another (plus, being more experienced does no always mean you've gotten super good at sex, just that you've had a lot of it). You communicating with him is helping him learn how to have sex with you. Does that make sense?

[Kaizen]

To add on to that last one, using your wording:

"hey, you're doing this wrong"

I'd like to point out that you're not really telling him he's doing something wrong (since, as Sam alluded to, there's pretty much no "wrong" with sex); rather, you're saying that you don't like something he's doing. It goes the other way too: if early on one of you does something the other likes, it's not that you're "naturally good" at sex or his experience has made him good at it, it's just that you luckily decided to do something the other happens to like, and did it the way they like on the first try. (And then of course there's room for mentioning and discovering stuff like, he'd really like if while doing X you did Y, or you like X as long as Y doesn't happen, or you're always up for X but he's into it only sometimes, and so on.)

Analogy time: I could make what I think, or my family thinks, is the best zucchini casserole ever, but since my boyfriend doesn't like zucchini he's probably never going to like it. And that's fine. On the other hand, because he told me he doesn't like American cheese, I made a recipe I love for him with cheddar instead, and we both loved it that way. Doesn't mean using American cheese is wrong, but if I'm sharing it with him I want him to enjoy it, so I found a way we'd both like.

[Heather]

Analogy time: I could make what I think, or my family thinks, is the best zucchini casserole ever, but since my boyfriend doesn't like zucchini he's probably never going to like it. And that's fine. On the other hand, because he told me he doesn't like American cheese, I made a recipe I love for him with cheddar instead, and we both loved it that way. Doesn't mean using American cheese is wrong, but if I'm sharing it with him I want him to enjoy it, so I found a way we'd both like.

I heart this analogy so much. I especially appreciate how it talks about just-no's, that all anyone can do is accept and leave be, and things that are just-no-this-way, things that are nuh-uhs as they stand, but where it's probably just about making adjustments or adaptations rather than needing to just not do a thing you like and want to.