What is "good" touch and "bad" touch?

[Audryll]

[Redskies]

"Good" touch and "bad" touch are words most commonly used to explain to children what touch is and isn't okay, and help them understand what situations they should tell a safe person about and ask for help, and how they should treat other people. For children, "good" touch is touch that cares for them, that is necessary for their health or safety, or makes them feel safe, or is fun. "Bad" touch is any touch that they don't want or makes them feel scared, or any secret touch, or any touch on their genitals or bottom, unless it's necessary for their health. For children playing together, a good rule is: if the other person isn't having fun, you have to stop.

Some examples of "good" touch: a relative offering a child a hug, and the child happily accepts; a parent or guardian changing a baby's dirty nappy/diaper and cleaning the baby; a child sitting on a parent's lap while they read a story together; a doctor gently caring for a child's injury, and talking to the child, even though the child is upset and it hurts; children playing together being a bit rough but not dangerous and they're both having fun.

Some examples of "bad" touch: anyone touches a child's genitals if they're not doing something necessary for the child's health; anyone touches a child and asks them to keep it secret; a child has to hug a relative even though the child feels scared; two children playing together, one of them gets hurt or isn't having fun any more and the other one doesn't stop.

It's pretty similar for teenagers and adults, too. "Good" touch is touch that we agree to, that makes us feel happy or takes care of our health. "Bad" touch makes us feel scared or uncomfortable, and it means that the other person shouldn't be touching us in that way. It's also "bad" touch if we didn't have a chance to say no, or if it's not safe for us to say no, or if we don't know how to say no. As teenagers or adults, genital touch isn't automatically bad: if we want it, if we feel safe, if it's fun, and if we could say no (and if that's all true for the other person too!), then it becomes "good" touch.

Does that help you understand? Is there anything more you'd like to know about this?

[Audryll]

What about somebody 'tickling/poking'?
Between the thigh, waist/breast...?its for fun right?

[Stephanie]

Can you explain who we would be referring to here? IE for a child and adult, two adults, etc?

[Audryll]

Adult and child

[Stephanie]

With an adult and child, one wants to be careful about where they're touching (tickling, poking). Places like between the legs, sometimes right above the knee parents will tickle, but one should be conscious about how far up their hands are. With anyone, if they ask to stop or say they don't want tickled then their words should be respected.

[Mo]

I think it's a good idea too to remember that no matter what the intention of the person initiating the touch or tickle might be, if the person being touched doesn't like it, or feels uncomfortable, then it IS a bad touch. This is true even if someone has a hard time saying no, or that they don't like something - it's the responsibility of someone initiating any kind of touch or contact to make sure it's wanted and appropriate, and that is even more true when it's an adult touching a child or adolescent.

[Audryll]

But how do we say no..

[Snorkmaiden]

I'd try to keep it very simple and clear, and make a statement about yourself, not about the other person (because that might be seen as an accusation, and they might get defensive).
How about 'I don't like it when you do that'? Would that work?

Everyone has the right to like or not like things that other people may want to do to them, and to make that preference clear. It's your body after all. It's a very basic human right: the right to bodily autonomy.

[Audryll]

hi snorkmaiden,
but what if they dont care?

[Snorkmaiden]

Then that's a sign that they are not a safe person for you to be around, and it's best to stay away from them as much as you can.

[Heather]

To be clear, Snorkmaiden is exactly right: people who just don't care about how anyone they're touching feels about it aren't safe for anyone. We all need to do our level best in taking care of ourselves and being safe to do what we can to get and stay away from people like that.

[Audryll]

Sometimes its just hard to say no..

[Heather]

It sure can be, especially if and when someone else doesn't make it easy -- like by being very accepting of our no's, and asking our permission before touching us at all -- or if we don't feel we have the right to our own space and our own bodies.

It's also much harder if and when someone hasn't been raised in an environment where what's been normal has been asking permission for touch, everyone caring about each other's feelings -- not just what one person wants -- and treating one another with respect and real care, including with boundaries. When things that like have been our normal, saying no is actually not that hard. But when they haven't been, it's usually a lot more challenging, because our normal has been a *lack* of care, respect and healthy boundaries. It's very hard to get good at something, anything, without any practice, this included.