Scarleteen

so, I'm graduating in less-than 2 months!! but my abusive parents want to come and they're wondering if I want them to come, because they also want to gather some extended family to celebrate with me afterwards.

I like my extended family and would wanna see them on my graduation day, but I really don't wanna deal with my parents. my mom of course said "but no pressure if this all seems like too much for you!" which in her (manipulative) language means "I'm gonna pretend to care about your feelings, but I want you to want us to come!"

so, i'm pretty torn on what to do, since I don't wanna be alone on my graduation day, and they have put me through college (excluding one semester when I paid for the tuition, and excluding the massive financial aid and scholarships that cover for the vast majority of the tuition since we can't afford to pay anywhere near the full amount) so I feel an obligation in that sense, too.

I just don't know what to do anymore, since I know that if I went with my parents then I'd have to pretend how much I like being around them in front of my relatives. but if I don't agree for them to come then I'd feel super guilty considering how they've financed my education, my extended relatives wouldn't show up and they'd wonder why I was so heartless, and I'd also be alone to celebrate on my graduation day

Hi MusicNerd,
That is a really hard position to be in and it seems like you have thought out a lot of the pros and cons of both options. It ultimately does come down to what you want and what you think would be best for you. In my own experience, in trying to determine what I truly want or what is best for me, I have found the emotion of guilt to be very counterproductive, or at least a feeling that can feel very powerful but is not a feeling a decision should ultimately be based upon. If you were to identify another feeling regarding your parents not coming besides guilty what do you think it would be?
Also are there maybe other family members (family by blood or by choice) that you would want to come to celebrate with you that are not your parents? Or that would make things better for you if your parents did come?

Hi Carmen! Yeah, I've definitely thought this through quite a bit.

Carmen wrote:If you were to identify another feeling regarding your parents not coming besides guilty what do you think it would be?

sadness. I know that's super-simplistic, but really though, I'm bummed out either way because it just reminds me that I don't have the kind of relationship with my parents that I wish were a thing. like, if they weren't emotionally abusive that'd be awesome. lol

Carmen wrote:Also are there maybe other family members (family by blood or by choice) that you would want to come to celebrate with you that are not your parents? Or that would make things better for you if your parents did come?

there are family members I'd want to come celebrate, but it makes things complicated because they probably either: 1. wouldn't wanna come without my parents or 2. would think I was being a horrible daughter for not inviting them, and would call my parents asking why I didn't invite them. this may sound exaggerated or whatever, but: in my family, on both sides of the family, the idea of ~family~ is so important that it'd be a big bad deal for me not to invite my parents if I were to invite my extended family.

also, my parents have constructed this infallible image of themselves in the family as the unconditionally-loving parents who raised "such a smart and wonderful" (read: seemingly-obedient) daughter, and that they'd do anything for me (except, you know, treat me with respect and unconditional love).

Any way we could look for something in the middle here?

In other words, what if you said okay to your parents -- and thus, to the rest of your family you want to see. BUT if we figured out some ways for you to behave (since you can't control them, but can control you) so that some of what you're worried about with them, and that you do not want, will either be reduced, or find it hard to find a way in with you, as it were, to even get started?

For example, I don't think you have to go along with their narrative about your family being flawless by acting very differently towards them than you feel. I think you can probably figure out ways to just be basically polite and kind, and then a) limit how much time you even spend directly with them, and b) figure out some strategies for exempting yourself if and when they are asking you to support that narrative in any way, or not feeing into it in a way that also probably won't cause conflict (something you undoubtedly don't want to deal with on such a happy day that's about you and your amazing achievement).

How's that sound?

hey Heather! yes I'd really like going over both of those things: how to interact with parents around extended family without pretending everything's perfect + finding ways to excuse myself when necessary. my parents want to plan a dinner event somewhere for family members to gather (idk where) so that's the kind of environment it'd be in.

I'll throw in a few suggestions and you can see in what ways they do and don't meet your needs and situation, and we can all work from there, okay?

I think it'd be a very good idea not to spend the whole day with them without breaks, so you'll probably want to build in a few planned release-valve opportunities. I'm not sure exactly what your graduation looks like, but perhaps there are other people to spend time with at some point? Anyone you're graduating with, or a professor, or a friend who's in town? You could make an arrangement to meet with them. If you do have a friend in town at the time who's not also graduating that day, it might be an especially good idea to have them around, because that person can be there - and also celebrating-there! - solely for you, without their own feelings or relations in the picture.

You might also step away and spend a bit of time by yourself. Perhaps the graduation culture is different elsewhere to what it was at my institution - I actually hope it is! - but at least at mine, graduation was also a pretty weird and intense experience, and I'd recommend having a bit of quiet time-out available.

If you were spending time with your family, you probably want to have a situation where you're not having to go along with anything that's really unacceptable or hurtful to you, but where you're also not having any major rows or unpleasantness. Do I have that right? One helpful technique for that can be to figure out a few things first that feel true (or true enough) to you and/or okay enough with you, and focus on those, and use them for redirection if necessary. So, if your parents were wanting you to agree with a family-perfect picture that's just not okay with you, you might be able to pick up some element of what they said that is okay with you, and agree with that. Something like "yes you're pleased I got into such a great school, I'm very pleased too" or "yes you've financially supported my education, that's made a real difference, thank you" and then steer/change the subject to something less thorny. You can use the fact that it's your graduation day to defuse and deflect any looming unpleasantness: if someone's said something that's really not alright with you but you don't want to get into it, you might say something like "well, we disagree about some things, but let's not get into that today, it's graduation day" and change the topic. If your other family members are invested in -family- and in things working well, they might be pretty keen to follow your lead and avoid things that might cause conflict or upset on a significant family day.

You can also always excuse yourself to the "bathroom" at any point, or say that it's a big day with such a lot going on that you need a few moments of fresh air by yourself.

sorry to take so long to respond! things have been super hectic for me lately.

yeah, I like the idea of only partially-agreeing with them on things. like, I won't buy into the whole "oh, we're such a perfect family" thing, but i'll definitely be trying to excuse myself as often as possible. it'd also be nice to hang out with people who aren't family members, but all my friends are basically gonna be hanging out with their families on graduation-day (since they luckily seem to have great relationships with them). so, i'll have to figure that out.

hopefully it won't be too stressful that day. I know I won't wanna spend too much time with my family though, but i'll figure something out I guess. thanks, Carmen, Heather and Redskies!