Need Advice

[Celsius Fate]

I really need some advice on what to do, so I hope some staff would give me some advice.

I've been upset and depressed lately because my parents are constantly on my back and issues that are personal. I posted something on facebook one day and my aunt saw it, and told my mom that I have problems (because I used a curse word in my post, which was for a rant over something that was happening) and my mom confronted me about it. I felt upset afterwards because it's my facebook, and I should be able to vent my anger without having to worry about what people think. It's not like I actually curse in real life (I rarely do), so I don't understand why she thinks it's such a big deal.

Another issue is I was told by my mom that during an interview i had a while ago, the principal decided not to hire me not because they didn't have foreign visa permits, but because of the fact that she thinks my English has major problems. Again, I don't understand what would make her think that. I spoke politely and respectfully, and answered all her questions like I would normally do. So I don't understand why she would say my English has problems, and that I shouldn't be a teacher. I don't know what she wants from me, I spoke English like I normally do. Can it be because she is a nun and was expecting me to respect and revere her?

I'm seriously at my breaking point. I want to cry but the tears just won't come out anymore. I don't know what to do. I just want to move back to America and never return here again.

[Mo]

I'm sorry the situation with your family's so stressful right now. I certainly agree that social media is your space and is a space where you should feel free to say what's on your mind but when you're expressing yourself in a place other people can see it, you can't control how they'll react to it. If you feel up to it, it may be worth having a conversation with your aunt about this and why she felt the need to talk to your mom about your personal facebook content, but that may not feel like something you're up for. It may be that experimenting with privacy filters for some more personal posts could help in the future, too.

Is there something specific you think your mom does want you to be doing, other than teaching? That could be part of the reasoning behind what she said, but that does sound very hurtful and since there's no way she could know what happened during your interview or what they thought of you, it's pretty inappropriate to say. Like with your aunt, it may be worth it to have an honest conversation with her about how you're feeling and how her comments are impacting you, and see what happens from there, but I understand that those conversations don't always go well; you probably have a sense of whether or not that's worth trying right now.

If you feel like there isn't much you can do to change your family dynamics right now, it may help to try and give yourself as much space and outside support as possible. Am I right that you moved fairly recently? Do you have friends locally you can lean on for support? I'm not sure if you live with your family right now or not, but if you do you may be able to find some activities or projects to keep you out of the house and busy. Since it sounds like you're currently job-hunting, that could be an excuse to take you out and about for a while.

[Celsius Fate]

I moved in August so its been half a year already. I do have friends from college but everyone is busy doing their own thing. My boyfriend has been supportive of me since I tell him how I feel, and he does his best to support and comfort me.

Also I took my family off my Facebook after that because I don't want them seeing my stuff anymore. My mom has been telling me to add her back but I don't want to. She's always telling me to raise my EQ and stop isolating myself from the rest of my family, but she doesn't realize it's problems like this that I shut myself off from others.

[Celsius Fate]

Also my dad spoke to me earlier and he said that my relatives all believe my parents forced me into moving back with them, even though I told them many times that I came back on my own accord. No one forced me to do anything.

Another thing that bothers me is I have an aunt on my mom's side, and she's rather....um...a busybody and has to get her nose into everyone's business including mine. So I found out from my dad that he caught her smirking during the family dinner last night because she believes that her son, my cousin, is actually in a better off position than I am because he managed to get hired by a school while I'm still looking. She also told my parents that they shouldn't always say that I can marry someone from Macau, because she thinks they're forcing me into a marriage. Needless to say I was highly upset when I heard that because it's not up to her whether I get married or not. My boyfriend is amazing and supportive of me, and my parents approve of me being in a relationship with him. She needs to lay off and stop minding my business because last time I checked, I'm not her daughter.

[Stephanie]

Do you think that you could have a conversation with your parents about needing some space? Explaining that right now it's not that you are avoiding them or any other family that you just need to focus on getting a job and other things in your life. As well, do you think you can talk about the fact that at least for right now you need your social media to be your own personal space. It needs to be your place to vent in whatever way you feel you need to, and that it doesn't mean that you won't be adding people back on in time but for right now you need that safe space.

And I'm sorry to hear about your aunt and what she's said. It's really unfair for anyone to be saying anything like that. I know across many countries teaching positions are hard to come by. I'm in the same struggle with my teaching position where I am. Please know, we're here to support you in any way we can.

[Celsius Fate]

My mom has been asking me to add her back on facebook but I don't want to at the moment. She also said that if I don't, my aunt will take it that I'm upset at her. I'll admit that I am a little mad that she told my mom I have "problems" after seeing my post on facebook, and I'm just not ready to add them back yet. Even if I did, I'll most likely hide my posts from them to prevent further snooping around in the future. I want to add them back, but right now I don't want to.

As for the teaching position, my mom told me the other day that the very first school I interviewed for refused to hire me because the head nun didn't like the way I spoke English, and that I shouldn't even be a teacher in the first place. I honestly cannot fathom why the nun would think like that, since my English is perfectly fine. Unless she was expecting a full blown "white" American to appear before her, because I can honestly say that my English and the English of a white person aren't any different. I was just so upset and miffed that the nun had the audacity to say that my English had problems when clearly I speak it way more fluently and better than she ever will.

[Heather]

Just tossing out an option to solve this problem for yourself without having to stay in conflict with your parents: have you considered just adding your family members back, then putting everyone on your FB feed BUT them into a posting group? That way, you could post whatever you wanted more freely without your family members seeing it, and could also get them off your back with the push to have you add them back.

Mind, if standing your ground with your right to have only who you want -- and not who you don't -- in your social media (a right I certainly think you should have) feels really important to you, then that solution might not be a fix for you. If it's not, and you just really want to stand that ground, my advice would be to simply tell your family members very clearly that a) you do not want to add them back, and b) you'd like them to stop pushing you to do that. You can tell them that if they're giving you no choice, then you suppose there's nothing you can do about that but comply (and of course, in that case you can always do what I suggested above), but if they ARE giving you a choice, that you've made it and you're asking them to respect it.

I'm really sorry, by the way, to hear about the discrimination you experienced.