Penis Envy?

[AnnaPalooza]

I'll start this off by saying I'm very sexually dominant. To the point where the idea of being submissive (Or even "Vanilla") sexually, repulses me. In the past, I felt really bad about this, and forced myself to think about being more "traditional" in bed. I've gagged, and even threw up on a couple occasions. Do you feel this is an extreme reaction? I've never heard of anyone doing that. I DO get nauseous when nervous, however, this was a very different feeling for me. I also get very repulsed by videos and images of men dominating women, unless I'm imagining myself dominating her.

Ever since my sexual awakening, I've had a very strong desire to have a penis. I would pray to God that one day I'd wake up with one or something, and I'm not even religious. Otherwise, I like being a girl, but I do really hate my genitalia. I hate being naked and using the toilet because I have to be reminded that I have a vagina. Not having a penis makes me feel vulnerable, although I'm not sure why, and it also makes me very sexually frustrated. I look at and watch porn very often, but I almost never masturbate to it due to my frustration over my lack of a penis.

I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual, but the majority of my fantasies are about men. Most of them involve me penetrating him in some way. I look at a lot of femdom porn, as it's the closest to what I desire, but having a fake penis would still leave me unsatisfied. I have a strong desire to ejaculate inside of, or on my partner. I know there are men who would date, and are even attracted to women with penises. I know there are a sizable amount of men that are sexually submissive as well, but they are still few and far between. And many of them only want to be dominated as a "Sometimes thing". I know that relationships require compromise, but I just can't compromise on that. I don't need to be dominant outside of the bedroom, but when it comes to sex, being dominant is the only way I can get off.

I feel very alone, frustrated, and incomplete; to an extent. I understand that this is a very unique feeling, so I don't expect much advice, but some kind words would make me feel better. Thanks for reading.

[Stephanie]

Hi AnnaPalooza: Sometimes our bodies respond in very strong ways to thoughts and feelings (even things like vomiting). Sometimes we can learn in time to control our responses, but that doesn't necessarily mean that will be the case for you. Other times we just learn to not associate with things that make us that uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your feeling about your body. Please know, there's nothing wrong in how you're feeling. We know better than anyone how we feel, and what feels right for us. Have you thought about talking to a counselor that specializes in SUPPORTING young people and choices about their bodies? I make sure to emphasize supporting because you would want to ensure the counselor is someone that would feel the need to "heal" you and change you, because there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling - and you need to know that as well. Not everyone was born into the body they know they belong in. As you realize that, you also start to realize it's not a hopeless path of living unhappily. We are here for anything we can help you with - including finding supports if you would like that.

[AnnaPalooza]

Hi AnnaPalooza: Sometimes our bodies respond in very strong ways to thoughts and feelings (even things like vomiting). Sometimes we can learn in time to control our responses, but that doesn't necessarily mean that will be the case for you. Other times we just learn to not associate with things that make us that uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your feeling about your body. Please know, there's nothing wrong in how you're feeling. We know better than anyone how we feel, and what feels right for us. Have you thought about talking to a counselor that specializes in SUPPORTING young people and choices about their bodies? I make sure to emphasize supporting because you would want to ensure the counselor is someone that would feel the need to "heal" you and change you, because there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling - and you need to know that as well. Not everyone was born into the body they know they belong in. As you realize that, you also start to realize it's not a hopeless path of living unhappily. We are here for anything we can help you with - including finding supports if you would like that.

I've tried looking for things similar to counseling online, but I'm not quite sure what to look for. It would have to be free, because I'm sure my parents would disapprove of my feelings, and would not pay for any sort of help for me that wouldn't damage me. Do you know of a place that wouldn't cost money I could go to for help?

I want to keep this very private. My family would hate me, and my friends would make a spectacle out of me. I just don't want to disappoint anyone, y'know? I've tried so hard to make these feelings go away to make others happy. All of my quirks are just a part of my "Awkward teenage phase", but what will happen when it carries on into my 20s and 30s? I love my family very much, but I also want to run away and start over.

Thank you for answering my question, btw. Sorry if my response isn't very helpful for you, It's a lot to take in.

[Heather]

You know, I do want to mention that a young person with a vagina -- or perhaps, more to the point, with body parts the world identifies as female, and attaches to all the sexism and misogyny that goes with that -- feeling very bad about those parts, feeling ashamed, feeling like a penis would be better, what have you, is NOT all that uncommon. In fact, around the age you are, where puberty is just really getting going, these kinds of feelings are incredibly common. It sounds like you have the idea you're very alone or strange in this, so I want to make sure you know that you are neither.

Same goes with -- though this is complex, since some of this may be about internalized sexism or misogyny, but some may just be about the fact that your sexuality doesn't square with being submissive -- feeling very disgusted by women being in a vulnerable or submissive role, or, perhaps more to the point quite often, being what is often presented as feminine in bed, period.

I have a reading suggestion for you, if you'd like, that I think might help with some of this. That's Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl." It's just sounding to me like one piece in this puzzle may well be about internalized shame and disgust with femininity, and that book is, IMO, a pretty amazing help with that, especially if and when someone is having a hard time seeing any ways they may have unwittingly gotten on board with or internalized the femininity-is-bad garbage that's so pervasive in our world.

I find it interesting -- if you don't mind me going to an intellectually curious place with this -- that you say you feel incomplete per not having a penis, which sounds to me, like you have the idea that not having a penis is having an empty space, as it were, rather than having a very analogous set of genitalia that are just as much "having something" as having a penis is. Does that make sense? Mind, I may be off-base with this, but if I'm not, it might help to do some homework about genitalia as a whole: after all, these parts are actually far more similar than they are different.

On a different note, I also hope you know that if, in your sexual life, you only want to choose and be with sexual partners who want D/S to be something that's part of the sexual life or experiences you share with them full-stop, you get to have that. By all means, that can be something where you just have to search a little harder for those partners, or be more clear from the front about what you want -- and that also probably isn't all that likely at 14, when for most of your peers, even being very sexual at all or wanting sexual relationships yet isn't very common -- but getting that in your life in time is not some pie in the sky situation. You are certainly nothing close to the only person on earth who wants that, I assure you.

[Heather]

Also, I'm not sure if this advice column will be helpful for you, but it might be: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... vagina_why

[AnnaPalooza]

I guess I do have some internalized misogyny. My mom has always been a tomboy and in my childhood resented my girly interests. I also always wished I wasn't the creative type and was more logical and intelligent. I know those personality types have nothing to do with gender, but I always associated the logical, "good" personality to be the masculine one. I'm not sure if this feeling has anything to do with my sexuality and gender. My mom always wanted me to get married and have kids and be a traditional woman in that way. By incomplete, I mean that I'm not in the right body, and that I can't feel "whole" unless I change it to my liking. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, I should've made myself more clear. Thank you for the help though. It's much appreciated.

[Sam W]

Hi Anna,

It's certainly common for people to end up with internalized misogyny, because it can come at us from so many angles (family, culture, the media we consume or are exposed to). It's really sound that you're already unpacking where some of those feelings might be coming from, and I'd encourage you to keep doing that (out of curiosity, when you read books or watch movies, have you found any that portray typically "feminine" characters as the heroes?)

I;m going to second the suggestion to find a counselor to talk to about these feelings. As you've probably noticed just from talking to us, there's a lot to talk about and think about when it comes to feeling as though your body is missing something. Do you have a sense of where you could possibly find a counselor?

[AnnaPalooza]

Thank you for the help. I might have an idea of where to get counseling, but I'll have to be pretty secretive about it.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you have a sense of where to start , that's sometimes half the battle. Is there any reason in particular you feel like you'll need to be secretive about it?

[AnnaPalooza]

My parents are very conservative and christian and they'll probably send me off to one of those conversion therapy places for teens. I just don't want to be thought of as a weird creep by my family and have them try to change me. I know it'll ruin my reputation with my entire family, and I love them too much for that to happen.

[Onionpie]

Hey annapalooza. I can definitely see where you're coming from with keeping your parents from knowing about this. It's hard when we don't have anyone around us who would be supportive, and that kind of makes counselling all the more important! But you know, you don't have to be specific with your parents about WHY you'd like to start seeing a counsellor -- there are an infinite number of reasons someone might seek out counselling, and it's not really important WHY you want to get in touch with one, more that you DO. You can tell them something just pretty vague like "I've been struggling with my identity/sense of self in this big transition that is puberty, so I want someone to talk through it with" or something similar. Do you think that your parents might be more open to something like that?

[Reddy]

I look at and watch porn very often, but I almost never masturbate to it due to my frustration over my lack of a penis.

I think you're watching the wrong kind of porn. After all, most porn these days is rather "wrong" and makes anyone wishes not to be a woman considering how they're usually "handled" in porn.

[Mo]

Hi there Reddy, welcome to Scarleteen.

I think it's important to a) not assume anything about the content of porn someone's watching, when she hasn't given us a lot of details about it and b) not tell someone that the sexual material they choose to consume is "wrong" overall. There's a lot of room to critique messages and images found in a lot of pornography - and we do have several threads on our forums about that - but I think it's best not to do that on someone's post when that's not the focus of what they've chosen to talk about.