I have just a few questions

[wishcoulddelete]

So, being raised in a strongly Christian household, my parents (hypocrytical as always,) passed on very strict morals (which not even they abide by, seeing as there's a porn stache in their closet) which have either served as a mental block or have just flat-out made me essentially a male nun.
So, firstly, I'm unable to masturbate.
Just the thought of doing it sickens me, despite me knowing that it's perfectly normal and natural, and when I do manage to make myself do it, I feel absolutely nothing but guilt and disgust. I'm not sure if it's a mental block or me just not being able to achieve arousal or what, so I was wondering if anyone could help if they've had a similar situation.

Next, I believe I may be developing a fetish (although I'd rather not specify), and I was wondering if that's normal/okay for someone of my age (14)?

Thank you very much for taking your time to read through all this or even clicking on the page in the first place.

[Sam W]

Hi Truejustice,

I will say it's not unusual for people who grow up in spaces that heavily shame sex to experience some weird feelings around their own bodies and sexuality. I guess a good starting place might be: have you been reading different perspectives from the one your parents have? So, things that talk about sex in a way that doesn't carry shame. Or have you mostly been trying to combat their messages on your own?

[wishcoulddelete]

Thank you for the reply Sam, and yes I have been reading and seeing different perspectives. In fact, my parents are basically the only place I've seen such a perspective. I have also been trying to utterly deny their perspective (internally, not to them) yet I am still unable to fully accept that it is okay despite me knowing it is.

[Heather]

I also want to pipe in about fetishes (sexual arousal based on objects): sexology tends to support the notion that, just like so many other aspects of sexuality, those with fetishes probably develop them in early childhood. So, discovering you may have one in puberty isn't unusual.

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, thank you very much Heather! My friends have tried to assure me previously that I have no problem, but I've always been a bit of a morally minded person, so just being told it wasn't enough, but now knowing there's evidence to back it up is a great assurance. Again, thank you so much for your help.

[Carmen]

Hi TrueJustice123,

I also want to pipe in with this article Jerking Off as another resource for you on a positive perspective of masturbation.

[wishcoulddelete]

Thank you, Carmen, I'll check it out and see if it can finally eradicate that lingering ideology.

[wishcoulddelete]

I'm afraid that it wasn't much help. It's wonderfully written and just amazing overall, but it's nothing I haven't found before in my long search to finally come to terms with masturbation. I must thank you very much for your attempt to help though. I'm sorry for being so dense.

[Heather]

Just because a given thing doesn't serve your needs doesn't make you dense! Just means that isn't what you needed.

I'm around all afternoon, and would be happy to have some more in-depth discussion with you about your needs with this, and try to get them served.

If you're up for that, I think what would be helping for me is having a better picture of what, more specifically, you felt like your parents, their religion, or both, influence was on how you feel about masturbation. Knowing better what exactly you're trying to counter besides "parents" or "Christian" would give me a better idea of what exactly you're dealing with here when it comes to the impacts you're experiencing.

[Heather]

Too, arousal often is something occurring before someone begins masturbating -- desire and feeling aroused to begin with are usually what motivate it. So, we can also pretty easily figure out if your stuff with masturbation and how it feels is or isn't about not feeling sexual desire or being able to feel aroused by desire.

If you have ever felt sexually turned on by anything -- which asking about a fetish suggests you have -- then we can know that you can feel aroused.

[wishcoulddelete]

Heather, you're too kind. And well, hoenstly, I'm not sure how I would be able to have an in-depth discussion with this. Aside from previous morality, I honestly have no idea why I'm so uncomfortable with the concept of self-pleasure. Aside from the fact that it seems immoral to me, I can't describe it further. My main "counter" at the moment honestly my overly-strong sense of morality. And the thing is, with my fetish, anything I can find around it is completely different from what I would want to see/experience.

[Heather]

(Probably none of us can ever be too kind, but thanks.)

If it's okay for me to ask some direct questions that I think could guide you to more clarity, can you start by just telling me what messages you were given that it WAS immoral, as much as you can remember, WHY it is, and who those messages came from?

You also say "your" sense of morality. When you say that, do you mean your OWN ethics and values (AKA, morals) and that masturbation is, in your OWN morality, immoral, or are you talking about a morality that's been imposed on you based on someone else's ethics and values?

[wishcoulddelete]

Well, essentially my parents just kinda told me once that masturbation is bad, and, well, I take what my parents to heart. So I basically locked that ideology in my mind and threw away the key, thus it becoming my morality, along with my strong sense of morality making it nearly impossible to overcome at this point.

[Heather]

Often, just someone saying something is bad won't have the kind of impact you're having, and how much impact even someone influential saying it will have is usually about a bigger context that also supports that statement.

For example, if I'm in a cookie factory, and one person tells me that cookies are bad, but everyone in the factory and the cookies themselves give a "COOKIES ARE SO AWESOME!" message, That bad statement probably won't have a big impact, and I'll come out thinking cookies are good. But if, instead, I'm in some group dieting program where there are no cookies (tragedy!), cookies are presented as my great undoing by a larger community, and everyone in that dieting program is also very loud about the great evils of cookies, it's going to be pretty easy for me to internalize that, and pretty hard for me to develop the opinion that all of that is wrong, and cookies are not evil. Make sense?

Did your parents talk a lot about how it was bad? Did they support that message with other authority, like religious belief? Did you grow up where what your parents said to you about it was very different than other messages you got, or similar?

[wishcoulddelete]

They did back it up with religious belief, but I've never been a religious person, so I'm not sure why that simple message impacted me so much, especially when nearly every other source I've learned about masturbation from viewed it positively.

[Heather]

Can I ask if this was from a very young age? I ask because the messages about masturbation that stick like this are most often messages given before anyone is old enough to really be much of their own person (religious or otherwise), have their own separate values or belief systems or to know that what their parents say isn't automatically how it is.

[wishcoulddelete]

No, it was no more than a year ago, although, I don't have much freedom in my life, so I may not be truly considered "my own person", if that makes sense.

[wishcoulddelete]

Oopsies, my sincere apologies for that double-post.

[Heather]

No worries.

I assumed from how you were talking that you have never been able to masturbate without these negative feelings, and it sounds like I was wrong about that. So, up until about a year ago, what you're struggling with now wasn't a struggle, and you felt if not positively, more positively, about masturbation?

(FYI, I was talking about having a sense of yourself as a whole, different person than your parents or others. Very small children don't typically have that: that tends to develop gradually throughout childhood, and start happening most intensely in adolescence. It sounds to me like you have your own sense of self.)

[wishcoulddelete]

No, your assumption was correct, I've never masturbated (succesfully), I never attempted before they told me. I was never really aware of what it was prior to then. I have no doubt that if I were to personally experience the pleasure derived from it, no morality would be able to sway me from being able to do it.
(I guess I do have sense of self, yes, but I depend my self worth very much on how others view me.)

[Heather]

Most infants and children masturbate, so chances are you did well before last year, but it may have been so long ago you just don't remember. In my experience, too, most children stop -- and then only restart, if they do, in their teens and twenties -- because someone influential stopped them in some way, with their words, actions or both.

I wonder: would you say that you feel at least okay about -- if not good -- other ways of experiencing pleasure for yourself that are NOT sexual, or would you say that pleasure, as a whole, is somewhere where you feel this kind of conflict?

Too, is there anything else your parents have just told you was bad -- sounds like you're saying they just told you, and not over and over, or did much else than say, "That's bad" -- you feel you've been more able to still positively experience? Or has everything they have told you was bad been something where just that statement and their opinion alone made it so you couldn't explore or feel good about it based on your own wants?

[wishcoulddelete]

I must've been stopped early in my life, seeing I was just starting Pre-K when I started being able to be fully aware and capable of remembering what's happening and all.
Well, that depends on what you mean by pleasure. If you mean entertainment and joy in general, then yes, I'm capable of that.
And no, they pretty much just said it's bad once. They're probably uncomfortable approaching me about sexual topics, seeig as I've never had "the talk". They have approached me about othet topics, though, their words on those haven't affected me nearly as much, so I'm not sure.

[Heather]

Okay, so sounds like there is a bigger culture, if you will, of sex-negativity, sexual silence, or both, in your home, rather than "masturbation is bad" being a fluke. And it sounds like this is about sex and sexual pleasure, not about any kind of pleasure.

Can you think of any positive messages your family has given you about sex: ways they have ever talked or presented it as being a good thing, not a bad thing, or something to just say nothing about at all?

[Heather]

(I know these are a lot of personal questions, btw, so thanks for humouring me. I am starting to feel better able to suggest some things to you -- to read and otherwise -- that I suspect will be more useful than general articles about masturbation.)

[wishcoulddelete]

No, I'm afraid I can't.
(Psh, it's no problem. I have no reason to not share my issues with you, I know you'll help. If anything, I should be thanking you for putting up with me.)