Scarleteen

Being aware of the choices that we have in terms of sexual activity, I have decided to have abstinence with the person I'm with. We did have a history of sexual encounters and therefore the reason why I want to have this boundary is because of respect (even though I had a pregnancy scare before but it doesn't matter now). After reading your articles and being taught about sex education my choice of abstinence does not come from fear but from the respect I want to give to my partner and to myself. Because what I can see in my perspective is that, sex isn't just the only thing that defines a relationship. And with my belief, I (and my partner) want to wait until marriage. Being in a relationship, it's hard to control the urges and I just want to know from you, Scarleteen volunteers, on how to make it work.

I know that this is not usually what's being talked about here often but I guess it's good to know what are your takes or views about it and - if there are any - your advice in keeping up with this kind of commitment. Hopefully a lot of you can answer to this

Thank you!

Hi Dianne,

There are a few things that can make it easier to hold whatever boundaries you have set around sex with a partner. The first is to sit down with them and talk about what activities are okay to do and which are not (e.g. penetrative sex may be off the table, but what about dry humping? Things like that). Abstinence can mean different hings to different people, so it helps to be on the same page about what "counts." The other is to focus on different ways of fostering intimacy in a relationship that are not sexual. We have a big article on how to do that here: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

One other thing to do is to masturbate, especially if you're finding you have a lot of sexual energy to burn off. It can take the pressure off of those "gotta have sex RIGHT NOW" feelings that might crop up.

You might also find this piece helpful: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast.

Too, if sexual activity has felt like something that has just "happened" or that has felt like something somehow out of your hands, parts of this piece may also come in handy: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead).