Random questions

[Butterfly9]

So these are some random questions I have inthe context of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Or significant other to include both genders.

1. What do you think love is and how do you know your in it? Like when you tell someone I love you how do you know?

2. How long do you have to know someone before you knew you loved them?

3. Is not fighting normal? Like its been a few months and we've never had a real fight. Not that I want to fight just in my past relationships there were frequent fights

4. How do you keep the relationship going? Kind of like its tennis or something you want to keep the ball going back and forth and not let the game die I guess...like texting everyday and going on dates

5. Will you ever run out of things to talk about?

6. How much do you miss the other person when you are apart? Like I miss him when I'm at work but I have to stay focused on work so I guess I've learned to think about him on my free time more and focus on work at work. Does that mean I don't miss him?

I think that's all for now. Feel free to answer any or all of them.

[Karyn]

Hi Butterfly9. Are you looking for advice with this, or just wanting to hear other people's experiences?

To answer your third question, fighting - if you're talking about yelling or screaming at each other kind of fighting - isn't something that tends to happen in healthy relationships, so not fighting is a very good thing. (Disagreements, where you can both communicate your positions clearly, are different: everyone is different, after all, so disagreeing about something is bound to happen eventually, but disagreeing isn't the same as fighting.)

[Butterfly9]

Maybe a little of both. I'm not super experienced at relationships but so far this one has been really great and I've never really sat down and thought about any of this.
I'm sure I'm in love with him but a lot of ppl feel in love then get married and it doesn't go great. I was wondering how to make the most of the relationship I'm in you know?
As for fighting it was more of break up constantly and putting me down or saying stuff that made me upset.

[Carmen]

Hi Butterfly9,

Those are a lot of great questions and while there are no go-to answers or easy formulas for any of them, that is what makes love and relationships so exciting and unique and beautiful
To add to what Karyn said and to address what you said

As for fighting it was more of break up constantly and putting me down or saying stuff that made me upset.

that definitely sounds like an unhealthy relationship and bad kind of fighting - I am happy for you that you do not have that in your relationship right now

Love can mean very different things to different people and even to the same person at different times in their life. For me, the people in my life I have been in love with have been very different kinds of love because of where I was and am in my life and my changing wants and needs in a relationship. I also know it can take me a while to decide I am in love with someone whereas my mom once told me that on the second date she had with her current husband she knew she loved him. These are just some of my own experiences regarding how much love can vary and it is really up to you to decide what kind of love you want, makes you happy, when you feel it and when you want to tell someone you feel it.

In regards to keeping the relationship going and having things to talk about - I think there is often a happy in-between of those things just flowing but also putting in work to maintain them. There is no easy formula for either and it is really something you may have to figure out with yourself and with your partner.
In response to question 6, I do not think that means you don't miss him. It makes sense to me that you would think about work more while working in order to stay focused.

If you want to read more about relationships and all the things they can be here are some readings:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
and an article about love:
Love Letter

[Sunshine]

So these are some random questions I have inthe context of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Or significant other to include both genders.

1. What do you think love is and how do you know your in it? Like when you tell someone I love you how do you know?

2. How long do you have to know someone before you knew you loved them?

3. Is not fighting normal? Like its been a few months and we've never had a real fight. Not that I want to fight just in my past relationships there were frequent fights

4. How do you keep the relationship going? Kind of like its tennis or something you want to keep the ball going back and forth and not let the game die I guess...like texting everyday and going on dates

5. Will you ever run out of things to talk about?

6. How much do you miss the other person when you are apart? Like I miss him when I'm at work but I have to stay focused on work so I guess I've learned to think about him on my free time more and focus on work at work. Does that mean I don't miss him?

I think that's all for now. Feel free to answer any or all of them.

Cool questions!

1.) I just know. Sorry I can't be more precise, but so it is. I've never had much of a problem figuring out my own feelings anyway, no matter what they are, and I'm an intuitive rather than an analytical person, so I am afraid I won't be able to help you much here. I just know. As for what love is... I suppose that can be many different things for many different people. To begin with, I think love grows. I've always imagined my figurative heart as a garden and my affection for people as plants that grow there. They need attention and care, they can bear fruit, they can get out of hand and need to be cut back to a healthy size, and if I am forced to rip one out, it really, really hurts. I guess beginning to love a person or "falling in love" is like planting a seed. It's vital, but it's only the beginning and it takes time and a bit of work and sunshine and rain to grow the plant.
I don't really differentiate between romantic and platonic love here. I don't think the difference is so terribly important. And besides, it's not so easy to say which is which in some cases.

2.) I don't think it takes long to fall in love or become emotionally attached to a person, but before I'd speak of love, I have to know someone for a while. Like I said, it's like the difference between planting a seed and actually having a plant in the garden. Can't give you an exact time frame, though. And maybe the whole process is love, just different stages of it. I also think love has an active side to it: I can want to love someone and I can put effort into making that happen.

3.) Not fighting in the first few months of a relationship is totally okay, if you ask me. When everything is new and shiny and exciting, some people just don't get into fights. I don't think it's something to worry about. It's just not such a great goal to want to keep things like that for ever, because eventually, I think every relationship must run into some conflict or other and it's not good to try and ignore that simply because "we said we'd never fight". Fighting isn't always bad. It depends on how it's done.

4.) There are so many ways! Basically, it's a good idea to never take each other for granted and to never forget how wonderful it was when the other person first came into your life. Also to never loose your curiosity for one another. I think some really long-term couples like to establish rituals. My parents for example have fixed dates when they go to events together and they observe anniversaries and Valentine's day. Other people think this is silly or counter-productive and like to be more spontaneous.

5.) Nope... To run out of things to say, I would have to run out of thoughts to think, and I fervently hope that will never happen. But not talking is good too, sometimes. Companionable silence can be wonderful.

6.) My relationship is long-distance most of the time, so if I missed him 24/7, that would be really tough. And I have work to do as well. No, I don't miss him much when he's not around. I try to take the "I miss you" feeling and turn it into something positive: "I am so glad to know that you're out there in the world and that we are always connected." (If all else fails, I listen to "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica ) This applies to long-distance friendships as well. And family. (In fact, all the people I love live more than an hour away from me. This is not ideal, but it's surprisingly manageable most of the time).


Congratulations to you for being in a new relationship and for getting out of the one where you were being put down. That is not a sign of love for sure.

[Redskies]

So many great thoughts here already!

Per fighting/not fighting, I don't think there is one normal, nor one version of being healthy that's the same for everyone. People can also mean very different things by "fighting" - from very nasty and aggressive rowing to respectful disagreement - so it's a muddy topic from the start. The things to aim for, I think, is a situation where both people feel able to have and express a different opinion than the other, and can try to communicate about their different needs and preferences and asking the other person for some of those, even if that's challenging. When people say that never fighting is bad, what they mean - if they're being healthy! - is that it's normal and good to sometimes have a diferent opinion or different needs, no matter how in tune and happy the people are overall. At the other end if the scale, it's important not to be vicious or dismissive or overbearing during any kind of argument or conflict. If that's going on with any kind of regularity, that's not healthy; it's perfectly possible to have a spirited or highly emotional disagreement without either person treating the other badly. Equally, spirited disagreement isn't a required part of a passionate relationship. The ways that people communicate about their relationship-wrinkles are much more about personal preferences for self-expression and communication.